Thursday, May 21, 2009


I start this entry, staring out of my window, the curtains partially opened as I've yet to have a wash or get dressed. I have enough light streaming through to provide the room with light to work in, whilst maintaining my privacy. The rain is visible, and the sky is granite grey. I've got Alanis Morissette playing on the pc (random play), and I'm contemplating what's next.

I'm desperate to be positive, I'm willing it upon me, but as much as I try it's not happening. I said yesterday that the fire was under control and it very much is, but as I explore what began that fire, and how I need to control it, I'm at a loss. I can live with the fire under control, whilst not being happy, I can't say that I'm depressed but for how long I can say that I don't know.

At the start of this entry I set the scene as to what I was doing and what I could see, and I guess it says slightly more than I actually realised. The skies are grey, and what is grey? A mix of black and white, and to bring that analogy to life, black could be the fire/the bad/the depression that I've spoke about in recent days, whilst white would of course be the water/the good/happy times. Mix good with bad, fire and water, depression and happy and the hybrid form is strange. I feel like that, a strange mix of being happy, whilst sad at the same time. I said either here or else where that I feel like a shell of a person, and that's probably what I'm trying to describe with this article.

Looking back at similar times for me, doesn't always help, I try to replicate how something cheered me up, and to be honest whilst trying to find that I end up perpetuating the situation. Replication isn't really the answer, something has to spring up and much as others might suggest other wise, but spontaneity is something I thrive on at times like this. Recently others have pointed out that this may not be the case and of course it's something for me to look at, as it may be true, but I do enjoy the freedom of reactionary situations rather than planning to the last detail.

Oh my, I guess I should stop here as I can sense this short period of self exploration is going to send me down an avenue that I don't wish to go down today. One that I've done many times before. I leave, with Ajani Thomas singing sweetly in the background, soothing the mood. I'll leave with that and come back again later or tomorrow to muse over the latest situation and thoughts.

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