It's a Sunday night, in early November and I'm sat alone in my flat which is nothing unusal, and similar circumstances to which I've always contributed to this blog. I've just put some music on, whilst I finish burning a dvd. The scene obviously set, the rest of the blog is about to start, no direct title for this entry has been thought of, it will spring out during the writing I'm sure.
So why am I writing? Well let's be clear I need to write to try and ground myself and do that quite early in my little hurricane that I call my mind. Over the past few weeks I've been fairly positive about myself, building my own self esteem and self confidence up, as past posts have shown that's something that I've never had a lot of and it takes a lot of work to even get me started working on it, as all previous attempts get shot down by something or someone. However, after a self evaluation after upseting and hurting someone to whom I hold in high regard, I realised I needed to work on me, strange as that sounds, it was my negativity that hurt that someone, and whilst I've apologised and I hope that we are building bridges again.
This work that I've undertakn hasn't been without it's own hiccups, my own mother nearly broke it the other week, with something she said to me, which to her a sorry was suffice, it wasn't for me. I know that others in my family wouldn't even have regarded the situation worthy of an apology to me by my mum, but still the apology was in many ways hollow and after a couple of days trying to work out the reasons why and how the situation arose, I moved on, back on the positive feelings towards myself.
During this time I've been reading a book, one I purchased at a conference, at which I had very mixed emotions in many ways, and it was at the said conference that the incident in which I hurt someone took place. However this book has been the source of many emotions as I've read it and now that I've completed it, I find myself in a strange place because of it.
So this strange place as I call it, where is it and what is it all about? Well for one the book is inspiring that someone can be so kind and accepting and that the young people in the book on the whole have come out of the situation they were in and have on the whole become wonderful young adults. I draw strength, pleasure and resolve from the story. It gives me inspiration in what I could do in the future and shows that it isn't an impossible situation that I am in right now. However on the other hand one of the young people in the book ended up in a horrible situation and still exists in that situation. It's a situation that mirrors slightly that I found myself in a number of years back now, and one which I thought I'd got over and sorted out my emotions from that. However it's obvious after reading this book that I've not got over that.
The crazy thing is that I know that part of how I feel about the above situation I shouldn't be feeling, but I do and that's a very hard thing to try and negate for me. Why can't I stop feeling guilty for something that I did not do and which someone else did, and when thinking rationally about it would have done no matter what had or had not transpired before hand. I don't wish to go over the details of the events that isn't totally fair on myself or the third party here, though I doubt she'll ever read this, nor understand should she ever find this.
As I said a few years back I was asked if I would help a young person out, by befriending them, when they really needed a friend. I said I would, it was a time of great change for myself and I was trying to take my place in society from where I had been. I may well have been older than the person that I was befriending and probably by a good 10 or so, however I was due to circumstances possibly feeling and thinking at around the same age level. I accept this now, I've had time to look back, I've learned lots since that point and though I thought I could handle the change in situation for myself, I probably didn't do at all and probably haven't really sat down and examined that period and that part of me till recently. Why is this important right now? Well for one I know I handled the whole befriending situation badly, I feel guilty in that I wrecked what was an interesting opportunity for myself and the other person involved. I know she needed someone to stick around and support her and not over step the boundries. This I did and I regret that so much that it's impossible to equate how much regret I have with over that.
This situation was then magnified once the situation that I then followed the above, and when this person did something, which hurt badly I took it upon myself that had I not over stepped the boundries I may have been in a position to avoid the next situation. I blamed myself, I felt guilt for something that I had no control over. It took me a long time to stop blaming myself, to stop thinking I could have made a difference. Well I thought it had, having read the book I have I find myself trying to aportion blame upon myself once more. However, this time though it's over how I failed the person and not for thinking I could have prevented a situation from happening. I recognised how I failed this person I guess it opened up the wounds that I thought I'd healed, so what happens now?
Where does this leave me right now? Well on the one hand I need to move on from the past, I can't do anything to alter that, but what happened does effect how I'm thinking and reacting now. Have I moved on? By that I ask myself am I a better person than I was then? Would I go about befriending someone in a similar way as I did then? Yes, I certainly would however, I know the boundries and they are very clear, would I cross them like I did then? I doubt it, I'd probably discuss the situation with someone else, to take advice rather than rushing in with both feet. Of course as I write this I realise that at the time the boundries were crossed the last time, I had suffered from the death of my father just days before and I think whilst I was not in the greatest of places in the first place, I jumped from one spot to another darker place where no one could have gotten to me, to stop me crossing the boundries. I also think that it was that jump that prompted the crossing of the boundries, so I doubt that the boundries would be so blurry again.
I'm a better person, more mature and less prone to dark rational, I feel a lot better than I did about myself and perhaps was reaching out for attention more then than I would ever do now. It doesn't change the fact that I did what I did and destroyed a friendship with a person that really needed that. Can I ever stop feeling guilty about that? I don't think I can, which is possibly the crux to this whole post. How can I turn the guilt into a positive situation or do I try and bury it and if I do bury it where? As every now and again it crops up and stings me badly. This is the thing that is derailing me right now. I am probably more positive about myself than I have been in any number of years that I can remember, I'm taking care of myself better, doing things that I really should have done years ago. I'm making an effort about who I am and how I am, which is due in some way to the person that I hurt recently and also someone else that I met recently. Power is all important, power over oneself is crucial and not having that power over myself has probably cost me more than I could ever imagine. Yet, I sat down to write this post miserable and guilty.
Now however, the guilt isn't as strong as it was, but it's still with me. Oh my, I've just had a flash of an idea which relates to this. Towards the end of the book the author mentions that in some way the way she loved and cared for one of the young people in the book, which really did move me, was in a way her own re-enactment of how she would have liked to have been loved by her parents. I guess that whilst I was trying to replicate love to the the person many years ago, I don't think that it was a wise move. Yes my parents loved me, but it wasn't the love the type of love that I required it was different, different for a good reason, however the love required has never been shown and that I guess hurts.
I sit here hours after starting this post, which had a different ending to this, but my pc crashed and it's been a nightmare trying to get this back to where I am. As it is though I know that this post is a long journey through the often tangled web that is my mind, I know that it may not make much sense as I have purposely left out details of the situations that have arisen, it woudln't be fair of me to write them down for public consumption, this is where talking to someone would have made a difference I guess. Whilst I'm very good at spliting myself into two and discussing situations myself, this time I've not been able to, and I guess that's what's caused part of my confusion, is that I've not been able to sit down and chat to someone or myself.
As a final thought, and for anyone reading this having read perhaps previous blogs will know that when I get down, I use the analogy of falling into a hole, and having to climb out again. Well this time I fell, but the safety nets that I have built, with the aid of a councilor and also through becoming more positive with oneself, spotted the fall early, I caught myself, I recognised what I needed most and that was a chat. OK, I've not managed to do that, but this is the second best thing, and it's helped I'm back out of the hole, on the edge and a little shove might just throw me back in, but I'll rest tonight and stride out early tomorrow to move as far away from the edge as possible.