Monday, November 09, 2009

Things flying around my mind.

I'm well aware that last night's post was both long and difficult at times to read, that though was for the best I guess as I got out a lot of emotions that had been swirling around in my head.

The morning after the night before and some of those emotions are still with me, but looking back on that post I think it deals with most of them and puts them to bed, this morning the sun is out the sky's are blue and once more a fresh week begins. It's now time for me to start afresh once more, looking after myself, making sure I don't injure myself, either purposely as has been the case in the distant past or accidently like last week, when I broke my toe. I am both clumsy and dangerous which isn't a good thing, though it does come in handy if I've fallen to the deepest darkest places and physically attacked myself. By using an accident as an excuse most people know that it's 95% likely to be true. I take the bruise on my leg right now, that's an accident as I didn't realise I'd hit myself so hard after Chelsea had scored in frustration. However this morning it's a nice little bruise and sore to touch. My thighs have been an area for me to attack myself as they are very rarely seen, but this time was a genuine accident.

Enough of the self harm stuff, I'm no where near that point and haven't been for coming up to a year I guess. The last time was probably just before Christmas last year and if anyone is reading this who can remember the black eye that I had, that was self inflicted, I admit that now. It is probably the first time I've ever given myself a black eye like that, and the first time I've physically attacked myself in a place where the world can see, it's normally for only me to see and suffer. So what ever depths I reached last year must have been bad. I can build excuses I guess, but none will properly justify the sort of damage that I inflicted upon myself and to others that night, but and I say but I have no regrets. I can't regret something like that when I'm depressed I do crazy stuff, that's how my depression manifests and if that involves contemplating ending it all, it has to be done.

That sounds scary I know, but looking back at all the times I've been at that point, sitting either on motorway bridges or sat on kerbsides watching cars flying past, I've always pulled back, there is something inside me which won't allow me to do that. The time I worry is the time I look to alternates to that, as the safety net that is inside me to prevent that happening can't prevent me else where. However, that was very much then, 12 months on and I can honestly say with the exception of one month this year, I've had probably one of my best years of my life, the stress levels have been to a minimum and I've allowed myself time to explore me and work me out. I'm no where near complete or through to the other side, but I don't think I'd want to be happy all the time you know. A little bit of dark helps challenge yourself and makes you a better person.

I started this off as a response to last night's post, I don't know where this post has come from, it certainly wasn't meant to be this way, I've just started to type and let my mind fire away and get rid of stuff. I know, I keep saying I should keep writing as I tend to sort myself out by doing so, and here I am answering my own questions in two or three different ways I guess, and giving myself an alternative version than the one I initially thought of, and carried through. However writing isn't always the case yesterday is the prime example. I got to the end initially of that post and when my pc crashed had to come back, and finish it once more. However by finishing the post as I had initially and losing a paragraph or two I had to try and think what I had written, and you know it was different to what appears on the page right now. I had done something to myself in terms of questioning and searching and the pain that I had was gone, but some of it exists now. Talking to someone with fresh eyes, no matter how well I can challenge myself always provides fresh views on problems and helps me challenge myself further and helps ease what ever is flying around my mind.

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