A few days have passed since I last wrote, and whilst I've thought of writing I've either not got round to it, or I've been able to find other ways of ridding myself of the thoughts I've had or I've calmed myself down with a bottle of wine or something similar. That isn't the answser to all my problems or negative thoughts and certainly not at this time of the day. I don't think I've ever drank in the morning or certainly not at home anyway. At pubs or at parties for sure, but that's being social.
So today I sit and write, I'm working on a time deadline, which I'm glad about as that at least means that I can't sit back and study what I've wrote, I'm just going to fire from the hip and hope all goes well.
I guess what is getting to me today and probably has done over the past few weeks now, has been the total lack of movement from my family towards me. I don't want to rock the boat with them, as that will only lead to me losing touch with them and family means so much to me, however the way the situation is, I'll never progress from where I am unless I do somehting about it and once I do that, I know the shit is going to hit the fan. That leaves me in a really sticky situation doesn't it?
What do I do then? I really am not sure, on the one hand if I don't move forward, I'm only going to frustrate others (I say that, as I'm sure some people will say I don't frustrate them, but I guess it's the term that I want to use as it's how I perceive it to be.), which isn't fair as it's those others that want to help me more than my family. Yet, here I am trying to defend my family or at least defend my position in the said family. What does that offer me? Comfort I guess, but it's not for my best, it makes me angry, frustrated, let down and to use a term that I've been debating with myself today a second class citizen. I step back from the family situation and notice how a particular member of my family has assumed control, even though not a blood relative and this is the same person who was willing to take my niece, my sisters only child and parents only grandparent away from them, after he'd had an affair. He is the one that made my sister feel like she wasn't a good parent. However, he's been forgiven and that's never mentioned in the family circle, and yet for my actions I'm treated like shit.
Yes, I've got lots of anger in me with regards my family, yet deep down they mean so much to me, acceptance from them would mean the world to me. Without them I'd have no contact with the outside world, I'd be existing within the bubble that is my flat and probably would have done myself some harm over the past few months. I live for my niece and don't know how I'd cope without her, I love her to bits. So what can I do? I don't want to lose that, but perhaps I've got to put that on the line to move on? Do I attempt to rock the boat and see where it gets me? I really don't know if I have the strength to do that?
I know that some people who may read this might suggest I'm a strong person, but I'm not, other wise I'd have done something about this situation years ago, but I haven't I've sat back and have seen people try and coax me into doing something, I can see that now, but it's only know and even today I know that whilst some people have taken over from others I still fight to retain the equilibrium that has mascaraded as my life over the past 7 or 8 years. I fear that deep down this issue has been probably the sole reason as to why I have not moved on and still suffer in many ways. I don't know? It would take some examination not only from myself, but probably professionals rather than those with whom I trust. It's that deep of a situation.
There it's out, it's out how I feel and yes I do want to shake the boat and see what will happen. I guess another dressing down from my sister, but it would upset the apple cart in a major fashion and have lasting repricussions. Oh go on I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. If I carry on telling myself I can do this, perhaps I'll be able to do it. Let's keep fingers and toes crossed that it does work, and maybe I can move on.