Sunday, January 23, 2011


I was going to write a post as to why some days seem to drag whilst others fly past, but I'm sure that I've done that one before. Today is one of those days that's dragging along slower than a snail. I'm not sure why this is the case, if anything it should be flying by as I didn't get out of bed till around 7.45, which though only 30 minutes or so later than I would normally I felt as if I was behind on the day before it started. However when I look at the clock and find it's not even midday I'm puzzled as to why it is. Maybe it's because since I woke up, apart from becoming brighter outside, the sky outside has been a mottled grey coloured all day, seemingly no change.

So another day another post this is almost a regular thing at the moment, but I guess it isn't a bad thing, I've said before it's good to write. So the past few days, I may have not been too creative in terms of what I've written, but I don't care. I've been able to spend some time here typing away, forcing myself to think either about me or about an emotion or even just to try and think of something to write. It's giving myself some time to do something other than read or contemplate comments on a forum.

Mind you it also free's my mind to explore other things like the up coming presentation that I've got. I've altered it from the original version that I had from last year, not much but the change is there. I don't know if it's going to be taken as well, but I need to change it before I can promote it elsewhere, I need different version to keep it fresh. By looking at that and also doing some research into it, it's widening my train of thought which again is good. Though of course as the forth coming presentation gets closer the more inclined I am to want to change the presentation completely and try and do something completely different with it, however that would be crazy right now, I'd have to do so much work to do that and why would I want to change something that worked well last year completely? I think that's the insecurity within me, perhaps it's why I've not gone out and tried to get other places to take a chance on me. However I've had others say it's good, and not only the tutor from last year, but from those in the community. I just hope that I can get enough confidence from the upcoming performance to say yes, it's time to expand this.

I guess the above is showing my own levels of insecurity and nervousness about self promotion of myself. I've never been much good on that and whilst I've tried to boost my self belief, self confidence, I guess that all the crap that has taken place or gone against me or the perceived bad luck etc, turns me into a negative person when talking about myself. I shouldn't because I know I'm not as bad as I claim I am, but yet I like others probably knock themselves down rather than build themselves up. Though I doubt others would knock themselves down as much as myself, but with everything that has taken place (there I go again), I just seem to want to put myself down at the bottom all the time.

If I'm honest, I'm proud of the presentations that I did last year, I haven't had a bad word about it yet, and so why should I be so unsure of it's worth outside of where it's been seen? I don't? I think it's more about me selling me rather than what I can do. That's the issue, more than keeping the presentation fresh as such. It does the job it's supposed to do on the label and of that I'm sure. It's the selling of me, the lack of confidence in me that's the issue. So I'll be positive and set myself a little goal, once the presentation is done at Leigh this year, I'll ask for a testament from the tutor to it's effectiveness, to which I'll glean a quote from and add that to or the whole thing I'm not sure yet to a letter and I'll send to at least 5 colleges with a view to doing the presentation there either this academic year or next. I may even ask for a testament from one of the students as well.

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