Sunday, November 03, 2013

Old Habits

It seems like an age since I last posted something in here.  I have to say that this year hasn't been the worse, in fact it's been one of the better years in so many ways.  So I guess I've had little or no reason to moan about, which in turn leads me to posting or at least giving me some inspiration to write.  

Saying that I'm here and thus something is wrong.  Is wrong the right term?  I don't know, maybe I'm a little confused with myself.  I should have gone out yesterday, I had an event to which I had been invited, yet something happened, something which hasn't taken place for many a year.  I got scared of going out, I got nervous about what others would say about me, or what reaction my presence might create.  That hasn't happened for years and I honestly thought I'd gone past that, and it concerns me that I fell back into that position.  

Looking at the situation, I had many people who would know me at the event, and most of them if not all would have made me feel welcome, though had I gone I'd have spent some time doing some training, which would have taken myself and someone else away from the event, which perhaps set me off over thinking about my attendance.  Moving past that, I started to think of those that I didn't know going to the event, and having experienced stress at a workshop earlier in the year, this event and that converged in my head and for that reason I began to question if I should attend, no not should attend, it was more would me being there cause issues for myself and others, and the more I thought the more I felt it could and just that little could, no matter how small won the battle.  It shocked me that this went through my mind and saddens me as well, however it had been and gone, now is the time to rebuild my confidence I guess.  

To do the later I've got to start small and build up all over again.  I know the tricks that I've used previously and so it's back to the foundations and begin once more.  

What else is going on?  Well I've started college and that seems to be going fine, however my self confidence in my own work isn't there and perhaps what took place this weekend is a consequence of that, I'm just trying to stop myself repeating former tricks and yet I can't prevent somethings happening.