Wooo hooo, another post in here! I guess it's been a while, but I guess it's about time that I wrote something down. I feel really odd today, I've been quite happy of late, been talking to people and though being really not able to enjoy myself properly, I have been cheerful.
However over the course of the past couple of weeks I've felt all alone, as if those that I was at least chatting to and keeping me company have moved on. I know that they will shout and tell me off, but for some reason, I feel as if I've been dropped like an egg of the Blackpool Tower. I feel alone, isolated and insecure, all the normal things I feel, however this is different, I felt things were different and now they are well..... As things stand as normal as usual, I don't know what to do about this right now. I have the capabilities to go and visit people, I have the capabilities to host people here without having to worry over what I've not got in the fridge or cupboards, and yet with that I've got no one to visit or host.
I sit in my chair, facing the window to the outside world, the weather is really nice considering what weather we've had of late, I can see the big wide world go about it's business. Whilst no hustle and bustle is visible from where I am, I know it's taking place. Like a parody of my own little world it's shouting at me that I'm sat alone whilst beyond the glass of the window a whole world is running around happily. I can look and yet not break through. Is it my own mental state that is limiting that or am I seriously such a person that I'm OK to chat too when no one else will do so to you, and that is all people use me for? It sometimes feels that way.
Contrast this with how I felt a week or two ago and plans were afoot for today, and I was due to go out. I still can go out, I've two options, however that's not likely to happen right now. Life always deals me with shit, and as normal at the time when I can enjoy myself, it jumps down on me like a ton of bricks. I really don't know just why this happens to me all the time, but it does, and this time I can't even blame my own insecurities over going out that's causing me this pain. Though if I keep writing this entry I'm sure that I would be able to find some way of linking it all together. Still that's me being too obsessive with my own state of mind.
If anyone can in the next few hours if you stumble by here give me a reason to kick myself out of feeling like this then feel free to do so. Other wise I might find myself in the middle of writing in here for fun again. That whilst something I'd like, isn't something that I'd really want as it might be because I've got reason to write or my mind is working over time to attempt to appease myself that things are perhaps better than they really are for me.