Destructive

Why am I so destructive? Why do I do things which hurt or upset others?? Why am I so difficult to get along with? I really don't know the answer to this question, it's bloody frustrating. Whilst I like to be the easiest person in the world to get along with, I go out of my way to destroy people or friendships for no reason.

Why is it that Lisa, is the only person who has ever lasted as a close friend for years? Everyone else moves out of the galaxy in terms of me. I know it has to be down to me! It's always my fault, I drive them away either by being hurtful towards them, or in there eyes for being selfish. I wouldn't say I'm selfish, but others seem to think so. Maybe I am, but nobody ever tells me till it's too late.

Flutuation in mood here, right now I'm feeling rather shitty. I know the reason why and it hurts. It hurts because I know the answers, some of the answers lie in the world of money, and others lie in the world of my mind. Why the hell am I like this, I'm a failure a failure for sure. I hate myself, I wish I hadn't been born to be honest, it's horrible. For all the good people say I do in the job I do and the volunteering, I don't see it, infact I do that as it's the only thing I know, and let's be honest, neither Barnardo's nor school really want me. I know that for sure and I sure as hell don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I can't kill myself, it would be unfair on Lisa, it would be unfair on my mum and neice. I just want everything to end, I lead a pointless life. I can't further the human race, I don't offer anything constructive to anyone else, so why should I bother with anything. Nothing ever goes right for me, no one likes me, even Lisa I suspect puts up with me.

You know, I feel worse than the dog shit that you stand in. I'm worth less than that, and yet I still force myself upon people, I torture people by talking to them. WHY do I do this? The only thing it does is foster the pretense that I am ok, but in fact I'm not. If I were an animal I'd be put down.

I appologise for polluting the atmosphere with my breath, I need to repay you all, but how the hell do I do that?? I don't know how, I haven't got the money to do so. Money isn't everything, but to hell it would make my life a bit easier.