Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Desperately Seeking Inspiration

I guess that right now, I can see the failings of myself, but also the success that is me at work. I am aware that should I leave my job, my position would be difficult to fill, but whilst I stay I'm losing inspiration in what I do.

Working with children with special needs is great, no matter what they throw at me, I am happy to take it. If it means being hit, kicked or even spat at, I'm ready to take it. Many a time it isn't the child's fault, but even if it is, I don't care. It's a challenge to so the behaviour, it's a challenge to earn there trust and a challenge to understand them. These challenge's inspire me to continue working in the field I do. The school I'm at doesn't though. My job is far away removed from what I'm trained as, and this is due to many reasons. I could spend all night writing about them, and though they may in time find there way onto here, now isn't the time.

Why is the school I'm at a problem? I don't think it's the school, it's the role I've got, and a few members of staff. I don't get any time with the children, and this bothers me. I should be in a class room, but they won't put me in there and then site that I don't help myself, by not attending staff meetings. I've always been told that my role doesn't mean that I don't have to attend such meetings, and of course not being in a class means that they have little or no relevance to myself. It's a no win situation, and of course being able to cover many role's hinders me, as I'm tending to be else where when needed in a class, should that need ever happen.

How does this all effect me? Well once these pages are possibly read, then further blog's added, you'll notice that they effect my mood, and how I feel about myself and about life. It shouldn't be that way, but I'm sensitive in that respect and though I can understand the reason's as to why I'm not in a class, it doesn't make it any easier not being so. This is just so unfair. I shouldn't have to be feeling crap about myself, because my job isn't what I want. I don't really want to leave the school, this is a job I really really love. It's the one job I've had, and working with children with special needs is all I know. I've worked voluntarily for 18 years now with them. 10 years in January in school's with them, I'm only 33. I've had no other experience, I don't want to find any other experience to be honest.

The middle ground is difficult right now to hold, one side of me says go find something else, the other says stay. Here in the middle I'm caught feeling rather sickly and unsure. Which has the greater pull? Money and a new challenge or job satisfaction and regret. I don't know for this has been going over and over in my mind now for the past 3 or 4 months and at no point have I ever been clear on it, maybe at somepoint if I continue to write I'll find an answer, or something may just jump up and hit me in my face. It tends to do so when I get in this mood and am writing.

I'll leave this post here, after a quick 20 minutes of writing I want to have a drink and perhaps have a nice long bath.