What should I read??

Here's an interesting thing. I have a habit of interpreting things in a completely wrong way. For example, my best friend's party this weekend. I know she want's me down there, I was invited to attend the wedding, but as it was in Vegas in term time I had no option in a way of saying no, plus the money I saved went on buying me a car, which will get me down to this party on Saturday. With due respects to my other friends, whom have invited me to their weddings this year, this is by far the biggest occasion for me. The sign's though weren't good when I was told no room at my friend's house as they didn't expect me to be able to get down to them, as she didn't know I'd bought a car. Then when talking over this past weekend, I, that is ME, picked up a vibe that I wasn't really wanted. I know it too be untrue, but none the less that is what I took, why I don't know. It's not stopping me, as I'll only go mad if I don't go.

Anyway, with that in mind, I woke up this morning put the kettle on, switched the pc on and the water boiler. Needing to go to the toilet, I switched off my small bedside light and then turned the main light on, whilst departing the room to the toilet. On coming back the light bulb in the room had blown. This is the strange thing, for someone who reads anything into everything, I'm not at all bothered over the light bulb. I could be thinking that it's symbolic of the type of day I'm going to have, in other words, dark and failing. I could think that I'm going to blow something I've worked for, for ages. Then again, all it is, is a mechanicall item, which has seen it's last day.

Why then, do I mis read others, and not symbolic things like the like bulb? Is is the mechanical isn't biological and that it doesn't have a mind of it's own. It can't have ulterior motivies as all it's done is broken due to wear and tear? Yet, my friends and other people can hide the meanings of words, can disguise how they feel about me?? Am I insecure to be this way? I really don't know. Having been through extensive counselling, and lived with a counseller for a year or so, you'd have thought that I would know something. Well I do, but it's not enough to know myself. I've had to deal with other things in a way, before dealing with myself, and it's only been 15 months that I've been able to learn about myself. It takes years to find out who you are, and most people don't find out till they are around 16 or 18 years of age. By that reasoning I've got a long way to go till I fully understand myself, and be able to say what really makes me tick.

Perhaps acceptance and actions when I decided on what needed doing would have helped, I'd have been much further down the line in terms of knowing myself. Again though, right now I still feel insecure about the way I look, and maybe it's that, and that it's that which holds me back. This is a thoguht that has just crossed my mind. If I were to be happy with how I look, then maybe that would give me sufficient confidence to hold my head up and not to hide. Right now though the confidence in how I look, though not at an all time low, is certainly lower than most people. I've a long, long way to go. Cosmetic surgery isn't an option in some ways, I know what needs doing, and though I'm happy to accept some surgical help in my quest, it won't be for work on my face. If I were confident about the way I look, would I be writing this blog? I don't know it's speculative, in as much that I may still be unhappy, I may be the type of person that will never be happy, will always read negatives out of anything. That line makes me laugh, as I was going to say that the only thing I find that takes me away from this is watching or playing sports. Then though I look at how my mind works there, I have and give plenty of time to the players who aren't acheiving what they could do. I see signs of positiveness in them, that others don't. Why can't I find something positive about myself, which would be a start??

Then it comes to identifying the problem, and that's another area of mischief. I've found that nothing has two sides, that between Black and White there are infinate shades of grey which need examining. For most problems I'll find at least an Octaganal shape with problems on every side, and though I can see them, and even look at each side and how it effects the problem, it doesn't make it easier to solve. If anything it effects the way it can be solved, as I look into the effects it will have on each individual side and what side effects of one move will have onto another and the domino effect around to create more problems.....ARRGGGGHHHHHH

You see, you may have thought that this read would be straight forward, you might have thought this might be interesting, I might have thoguht that this would be interesting, but what ever it is, it's certainly a help to me. It's like the pensive from Harry Potter, my minds thoughts and workings are being dumped into here. People may know me better, than I know myself after reading these at some point.