It's the middle of June, out of my window I see nothing but green trees and grey clouds, and that sort of sums up where I am in terms of my mood right now. I'm having one of my days, where I want to be where I'm not, doing what I can't (or what I'm not rather than can't), being me. Yet, I'm sort of happy, with everything, so whilst the grey clouds mingle around inside my head, the tree's are what they should be green and joyous.
So what is it today? I guess that I'm feeling frustrated, that things are as they are, that things have turned out the way they have and that in the midst of all the effort one puts in, I do put effort in, everyone else, everything else benefits and I find myself rooted to the spot. It's the same old situation that's got me asking myself why do I bother and if I just shouldn't pull away. However, pulling away wouldn't help, it would make things worse.
Why would it make it worse? Were I to pull away and retreat into another self imposed exile from all groups as such, my social life would be zero, I'd be stuck in my flat, doing nothing and thinking of nothing most of the time. The last time that happened, or should I say the last time I let myself get that bad, ended up in some of the most painful posts in this blog, I ended up so depressed that the light went out, it nearly went out for good as well. and that scares me a little. However, with the way things are going in one or two groups, and I don't wish to name them, I just feel like I'm a token, and that whilst I want to be there, I'm not contributing nor am I being listened to. That infuriates me, it angers me, and frustrates me. Though it pushes me to try harder to be heard, and to learn, it doesn't seem to help one bit and I drift into a position where I can't see the point as to why I attend the groups and what I add to them.
Add to this, a bout of self loathing, self pity and general dislike of all things physical about myself, and it's not a great position. I'm feeling fat, I see fat when I look in mirrors. I see ugly and no, no one can say it's not so. I just look and feel like crap. To hark back to the sporting theme of yesterday, and for the sport lovers who read this, you'll understand this statement, I know that I'd push Iain Dowie and Peter Beardsley into second and third place in any looks competition. It may sound funny, it may be something I say alot about myself, but it doesn't mean that I don't get upset by it.
No matter what I do or try to do, nothing will change, nothing is going to change. These small four walls which I hate, which are my prison will probably be my home from now till when ever, I'll be locked away growing old on my own, feeling ever more sorry for myself and living a desondent life. I feel, look and am shit, it's how I am, and no matter how much anyone will try to say otherwise it ain't going to help. There is no one around to give me a hug when I need one, there is no one around to say anything encouraging. All I've got are the four walls, a computer that's in need of replacing, no money to do so and no hope of finding a job to save up to do so. I'm not sure why it is then that I want to carry on, or why I do carry on. All my efforts seem to gain rewards for others or others take the rewards from me, but I continue to allow everyone trample over me as if I enjoy it. I guess that's the way I've become, but I hate it.