Writing earlier on this afternoon I spoke of how I felt, that is no different now, but I need to write I nned to do something other than the norm. I don't think I expressed my concerns about the groups well enough. It is only 2 of the groups that I feel really upset with a third one I'm very much doubting my own abilities to be a part of.
The 2 groups with whom I'm upset are the latest ones I've joined and I want them to be a success, but so far neither have seemingly progressed or have they done anything to suggest that anything that I've said has been listened to. I didn't join either of them to be end up help running the group, but on one I'm a committe member and another well it looks like I've got to take a role on, when he go for an EGM next month. Even the person who is supposed to be supporting this group doesn't understand or listen to terminology they are informed of from me. I just feel that it's pointless being part of said groups. I don't see myself getting anything out of them positively, just stress and also being the lumbered with responsibilites for areas, because of who I am. I know it's going to happen and no matter how much I plead for a push it isn't going to be the case.
It really angers me, frustrates me that as much as I hang back and not volunteer for these things I have ended up in this position. I end up feeling like I can't say no, as the situation is clear that they can not constitute calling themselves what they do, as they don't cover the whole spectrum. In doing that I end up not walking away from it and look where that has gotten me.
Add to that this sudden bout of self image problems. I really hate some people, you make an effort, you do your best and they deliberately undermine you, they do it repeatedly knowing what they are doing and it hurts, and it hurts so muh, but you walk away, you leave it behind and put it behind you. Then however, you see others, who don't have that problem, who have friends at hand, who don't live cocooned in there own flat, which is smaller than a prison cell. It magnifies everything to me, and down in the middle of it all is the hatred of mefrom my mother and my sister that cuts me to the bone. I can't do a thing about that, and no matter what I do or say to either of them, it will do no good. I get the feeling that the only way around that would be to pay them money to like me, and even then it would have to be a hell of a lot of money to gain a crumb of respect. That hurts, that has always hurt and it hasn't helped me either, and it's left me in the horrible place I exist in today. I blame myself yes, I can't blame them, as it's me that see's, it's me that breathes and it's me that does everything for me, but if I could have been afforded something from them, then it would have been nice you know, but no they ignore me and wish I wasn't around.