Thursday, June 14, 2012

Trusting myself to trust

I've pondered long and hard over the last 3 hours or so, what I should do, whilst trying to escape from the gloom that is casting a long dark shadow over me.  I've watched some tv shows and tried to do some other stuff, but I can't say that I'm making waves to clearing my mind and making myself better as such.  

The complete and stupid thing is that the one thing I feel I need to do, is withdraw from everything, not to post in twitter or facebook, not to post in forums, and try to stay dark.  I know I've posted comments in facebook, but nothing in terms of my state of being for sure.  I've not posted on twitter since last night, and no forum posts since near enough this time yesterday.  I know I'm writing here, but that's cathartic, it helps  as those who have been reading this blog for a while will know, it helps me to write about how I feel, hence the war and peace when I'm down and stupid silly posts when I'm not.  Though I have done good this past year or so, since I came back to writing in here, I've maintained a steady flow of posts in good and bad moods.

Even withdrawing from the seeing/speaking to anyone is currently helping.  I know yesterday was a dreadful day, but I also knew I had to go to the shops and pick something up for my tea.  I got to Morrisons and went looking, and couldn't find a thing, all the discounted stuff had gone, and I didn't fancy pies or pasties.  So I was struggling, even the cold meets were being taken off the display.  I walked from one end of the shop and back about 5 times trying to figure out what to buy, and every time I got nothing, and every time I got increasingly frustrated, and that on top of  of the already bubbling frustration within me was too much.  I broke down in Morrison's for I think would be the second or third time.  I should know to avoid trying to make decisions when I'm in that sort of mood, but it was clear I was struggling.  So I just purchased a french stick and left and thought I'll go to Aldi instead...  Yes, that's right leave one supermarket and go to another.  It was then I realised that it would be closing in 15 minutes, luckily it was only 2 or 3 minutes walk away, and I had a plan for a pizza from the freezer.  However that eventually changed, and I picked up enough stuff to last me the week, but that's beside the point, I had a time limit and so I had no time to choose or get upset.  

So today has been spent doing nothing not speaking, not going out and trying to keep me away from getting down, I guess writing is helping me, but I'm struggling as one of the things that I mentioned in the previous post was communication, and how important it is to me.  I don't want to break my own action plan, but I am finding it hard not to do so.  Also what's interesting, is the family situation.

Yesterday I texted my niece, it was unfair of me to send the text I did, but I sent it none the less, as I hate to bring her into the situation with my mum and sister.  However the increasing silence makes it all the worse. The last time I spoke to my mum or should I say discussed everything, I pointed out it would be nice of her to phone me occasionally, or as much as she does my sister, as that's something she never did, and still doesn't.  The only time she'd ring me is if she wanted something of me.  Which used to be picking up from Bingo, or going around and resetting her tv or video up.  She'd never ask my sister to do these, and she'd make excuses up for my sister.  However, for what ever reason she'd phone my sister.  I don't hear from her now, in fact were I to die in the next hour or 12, no one would probably notice for like days or weeks.  It's that sort of situation, and certainly neither my mother or sister would raise the alarm as they wouldn't ring me or anything.  

Now part of the reason for texting my niece was to sort of kick my mother into action, but hey ho, nothing has happened yet and if she's had the message she's not responding to it, to ask me what they hell I was playing at to involve my niece.  So it doesn't look like she cares at all.  It doesn't shock me, it doesn't suprise me, but it hurts like hell.  As I said in the previous post and in other posts, why does it seem most people have it better than I do?  Why is it, that they get all the luck in that respect.  I've done all I can for my family and yet it's always been thrown back in my face.  I mean I have never been in well paid jobs, as I keep saying and yet why when my mum has a blue badge, and was her main transport, was my sister getting the free car tax??  When I challenged my mum she didn't want to cause a problem and tell my sister she was swapping it over to me.  That's the sort of thing a parent should do... Not mine.  

Yes, I'm wound up, I'm angry, I'm frustrated and miserable.  I should try and go out and be socialable as I had every intention this weekend, but I see no point.  I'll end up hurting myself, first of all on a personal level, and potentially a wider scale, and while I doubt that would happen (I'm sort of beliving in trusting people), it has happened often before so I kind of don't know if I trust myself to trust. 

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