Sunday, April 16, 2006


It's a strange life that I live. At times I wish to to be the centre of the universe, and yet on a day like today all I want to do is be alone. I don't want anyone other than myself and yet, I yearn for an email or phone call from anyone, just anyone that doesn't want me for anything other than a social chat. In the middle of this stange tangle is me, the physical embodiment of myself, that feels like one of those Stretch Armstrong toys.

I'm sure that I'm not well, the past two days all I've done is sleep and whilst I rejoice at the fact that I'm sleeping for a change, it's not "normal" for me to do so. If I am unwell, then so be it, but I wish it would show in the form of a ailment i.e. a cold, rather than no energy, and feeling lethargic. I need my energy for work, but then of course if I'm not well, do you honestly see me being in work? Not these days I've been through the course of working whilst unwell.

This post doesn't make sense I'm sure of it, but I'm still going to post it, it's just an example of where my mind is and what I have to go through each day I guess. It's really odd to fight myself so much and then be able to assess what I've done and place it into words. I don't even think I'm being as honest and open as I said I would be all the way back when I started this blog. I'm hiding things here that I never thoought I'd hide and that's for me to figure out why. I guess there are somethings that even I won't put into a public place, not just about myself, but about others. I do have some respect for others.

For all intents and purposes this blog has been accurate of how I feel at the time of writing, so don't think that I've kept great chunks of my life out of here, I haven't it's just that the problem that I eluded to on Thursday is something that I am trying to work through by myself, and it would be unfair on someone else if I brought it up in here. It has nothing to do with anyone known to read here, in fact I in some ways hope that the person it is do with doesn't read this. It may be a contributary factor in what is going on right now if they did. You see this is so complicated and in the middle of this, I'm here. I argue not only both sides of the arguement to myself as to what I should or shouldn't do, and what sort of effect it will have on me, but I also swing it around. I try and envisage what sort of response I will get from others and what they want, and then argue both sides of my arguement with both sides of the other peson's arguement and then come up with 987. Yes, I may be correct in what I think of others every now and again, but often I'm not and I feel a fool for doing or saying what I have. This is one of those times I hope, but you can never be sure.

Happy Easter to you lot who have read this on a regular basis, Happy Easter to those who are reading this for the first time. This rant isn't indictive of my blog, but every now and again I do rant.

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