Thursday, April 27, 2006

Show Goes On

In the words of the song, the show must go on, and on it goes. I'm feeling better by the day, but far from perfect, though perfection isn't something that I can assatain. Well not in this life anyway, some other life perhaps. Oh that sends this post to a different tangent now.

Do we have other lives? Well in a way I think we do, but it's how we treat them? I don't think we are aware of our past, nor do we have any control as to who or what we return as, but part of us do return after we die, I'm quite sure of that. I think that in some way I'm paying for my previous lives with the one I've got right now. Still that's that little theory out of the way I guess. Although one point which bites this on it's backside, is that on any given day the population of the planet increases by 200,000 which means that the amount of lives being created within the human populace outweighs that of which we lose. Hmmm, even my maths can tell me that some where new life is always being brought into being and that the theory I've just proported to stand by is proven wrong. Still I like being wrong.

So back to the show, and of course it's moving on. I'm altering and morphing into something I don't know. I really don't know who I am right now, and that scares me. I'm reclusing further and further into my own self, and I'm not allowing anyone in. I'm trying to fit in more and more with the world, but the more I try the more it fails and the further I push myself away. I'm feeling quite okay with that, but it's very painful and I wish that someone would come in and say something to me, someone to say something magic, to ease that pain. It's really odd, in that I know what I want to happen, but it isn't going to happen soon.

I miss my friends, I miss the contact from the world outside, but at the moment, I can't afford to be a part of it. The more I'm a part of it, the more hurt it causes me and that's not what I need. I am alone in this world, I've no one to turn too, I've never been so alone and it's something that I'm scared of. I've got to work through this, part of me being so alone right now is my own choice. I'm toughing it out, and that's the strange bit about this blog. I'm telling whoever reads this page what I feel, how I feel and what I want, and yet what do I get from it? Nothing, I don't get what I really want, as I wouldn't or won't allow anyone through the barriers to me at the moment even if you tried. I guess it's part of me, part of my past that I allow only the odd few into the inner circles that surround me. Saying that people often retreat from that zone, or as in some cases I've pushed them away.

The fact that I'm telling you folks this is beyond strange, hands up those who come back on a regular basis, who really thinks they know me? I bet none of you really do. I don't think I really know me to be honest. As the tag line to this blog reads it would bum me out if people could describe me easily. It's part of me being me I guess. Would I alter that though? Yes, I would to be honest, I'd like to find someone to whom I could talk on a regular basis, someone to whom I could share myself with. As it is, I've no one, and those that do get close get used to the extent that they leave at somepoint as they can't take it anymore. That's my problem, I'm too much for people, and too much for myself.

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