Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Who's my friend?

Today is nearly completed and it's been another day where by I've done my work, I've said a few things and come home to nothing. It's just beyond any sort of comprehension right now. I'm just not getting this thing anymore.

Someone in work asked me today why I write here, and I told them what I've told you folks over the past few days, and then the response just killed me.... With all due respect, it's hard enough to get along in my life the way things are, but to try and add more pressure to it by going looking for a relationship, well that would probably end up pushing me over the edge. I've always said that if and when that happens I'll be happy, but I'm not going to go looking. In my opinion if you go looking it only adds more stress when you don't find and that isn't what I need or want right now. In fact I'm seriously considering going to the doctors and asking for some Anti-depressants and possibly a sick note for a week or two, till I get my head sorted out. I'm getting to the point where no matter I do, nothing is seemingly helping. I guess that things whilst they shouldn't be getting on top of me, they are.

Whilst it would be simple to talk to someone at work, or even someone online, very few people actually know me. That's the problem, and it's a vicious circle, in that I don't allow many people to get to know in fear of there reaction, but by not letting them in, I've no one to speak to, and by not speaking I feel alone. When I feel alone, I want to speak to someone, but can't because there is no one around with whom I can chat. I'm almost at the point of accepting that that is "normal", but then I see others and see what others have and I envy that. I'm not though going to freak the world out, by exploding anything about myself here or anywhere else. I AM ME, and ME is very fragile in many ways, and to open up could seriously unbalance me. I do hope that some one suggests otherwise, but it's doubtful. Confession whilst good for the soul, is often damaging to ones reputation.

Still it's always interesting to visit my mind and see where I am at, and in some respects this recent decline in my own mental state is very odd, in that nothing has seemingly happened. Well one thing has happened, and it hasn't been resolved yet, and it's playing a big part of why I'm so down. I'm not able to say what it is, nor do I want too, as this is quite personal, but it's obviously got too me, and I'm feeling very low. I feel lost, and scared by the out come of what will in the end happen, and I'm also worried that if the ultimate worse case scenario occurs then I'm liable to want to end everything, and I'd have little or nothing to live for. It's that serious, or it would seem like that at the time, the only other time I've been near the worse case senario with an issue like this, I was quite close to ending it all then, and this time me thinks it would be something which would last longer than a couple of hours.

This is the end,

beautiful friend,
this is the end,
my only friend the end.

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