I look at the posts of late and I have to question my own motivation, not only to carry on writing, but with lots of things as well. I've got to the point where I think that I need to move on from where I was, but some of where I was is undoubtingly ME, and that has to be sorted out before any progression can be made.
A lot of what I write here are emotions of the day or over time, and often are written for me to rid myself of any problems that I've got at that point. I should point out that prior to keeping this I used to keep a diary on my old pc, but that was huge. When it got to the height of it's progress there was something like 450 pages of a Word document, and it covered a 2 year history of my life. In that diary I wrote things that I couldn't possibly write online. I'd cause myself problems, personal problems and legal problems. That being said it was a great help to be able to sit down and write a entry for that which could describe the whole mood I was in, whilst naming names and calling people if needs must. It was hyper personal and it was very good in helping me rid myself of my demons. It was a help the week of my dad's death. I think I posted a 12 page entry going through every emotion, every detail of what had gone on and how I felt at that point. I cried writing it, and I know I have it on cd somewhere, and if I do read it, it reduces me to tears even now, it's that powerful.
I couldn't possibly bring myself to write something as powerful as that here, but why not? I think it could be that I don't wish to open myself up to the world, and yet I write here! If I were that shy, that I didn't want to open up to you all, then why would I write a blog that anyone can read and any one can link too? It's that sort of contradiction that I mentioned the other week, that I am. I like to keep myself to myself, and yet want the world to know what's wrong and who I am. I think deep down I just want someone to be my friend. That's something I miss, whilst Lisa is the greatest friend anyone can or could have, I've no one else. I've no one who calls out of the blue or pops round as such. It's that, I guess which I crave.
Again I look at what I write and whilst the above is true, what does it mean to here? I don't think I'll find a friend by writing this blog, it's just not going to happen. I suspect the majority of people reading this are living in countries other than England. It's not going to generate the friend that I want or perhaps need. Then why do I continue? I think, and I can only think about this by stepping aside and taking a long look at myself, that in a way this blog perhaps is the friend that I describe in a fashion. It's something that I can talk too, or at least talk to on a fairly good basis and tell it things that I can't tell others around me. The problem is that I get no feed back from it. It won't tell me that I'm being paranoid or that I should do A or B. It won't invite me around for a drink or a cosy night in.
It is then a subsitute for a friend and that brings me back to being lonely, and how lonely I am. Yet, for the past month or so I've felt quite good, not felt that lonely, which is progress. It's a good sign, but yet it lurks, it lurks in the darkest resess of my mind. It obviously is still there, as I've written about it and thus it's never too far away. I hate being alone, and yet I've stated that I want to be alone within the past 24 hours. I don't know what is up with me. I know that what I say is true, and yes I've contradicted what I have said, but you can want to be alone, but want friends at the same time. I think it's easy to explain. I've got no real friends close at hand, I want friends close at hand, but right now and I mean around this weekend I just want to be alone, to caputre my thoughts and move on. So yes, I can want to be alone, and yet want friendship in the same breathe.
Some people may say they can be a friend to me, but when it comes to it, it has to be someone who I can talk too. Not someone whom, listens and nothing else. I've plenty of people who listen, but don't talk and that really isn't what I want, I want someone who's going to talk to me as much me to them. Friendship is about sharing oneself with someone else. It's not an easy thing, maybe I'm being hyper critical of people by saying this, but there aren't many people whom I have ever classed as friends and that's perhaps indicative of me, rather than them. Who knows?
Well life goes on, and whilst I look forward to punishing myself, and the stark reality of being alone and silent for a while, I move forward with a great abound that things will utimately get better. It can't get worse, I know that as I've been below this point on so many occasions, and if I'm to be brutally honest, I've not been "low" for a good while now. I know that I'm at peace with myself these days. The days of me closing motorways down, as I sit on bridges thinking of jumping is over. I haven't felt that low for years now, and I don't think I will be that low again. The problem now is that the low I'm in right now, is probably as low as I'll get for a while. I need to build on this and improve how I feel.
Then again one thing does stand out, and that's how I feel about myself, and how that is. It's better than it ever has been, but there is plenty more to come, and once I can say I'm satisfied with myself then I can perhaps move forward in life. Till then and that is a long way off I can't move forward. I've got to build the foundations for a happier life right now, things have come a long way over the past few years, but I've still got a marathon to run, before I can be apeased.