Is it madness or is it me? Is it loneliness or is it me? Am I blind to something? Am I missing something? I really don't know....
Tonight has been a really personal night in so many ways. I've had to sit down and explore myself, forced upon myself, and though glad I find myself now, having tried to go to bed awake and writing down the many trains of thoughts that I've had in the past hour or so. I'm perfectly clear that I'm awake, I put my head on the pillow and woke up.
I live in a bedsit, 4 walls and that's it. Only 4 walls in my house, and so no matter what I do, I'm faced with the fame 4 walls all the time. I know I spend time out of here at work or my mum's, but that's not the the point. This place as I have said before is probably no bigger than your average prison cell. I shut the door to my room when I get in and that's it. I'm cut off from the rest of my life, I don't have phone calls, I don't get people coming around, the only contact with the outside world is online. It helps take away the boredom, but at times the lack of personal interaction kills me.
Tonight is a good example, I've expressed the desire to be able to open up to someone, and yet who is available? No one online as that is so different to what I require right now. At this time of night it's impossible to find anyone whom I could talk to, to be awake and willing to chat. The darkness is strangling me further right now. It's time like this that I hate myself, I'm so shy, so introverted, so alone that no matter when I feel like this, I despair at the lack of company. It's probably around this time last year when I last had company in the flat, apart from the odd occasion when someone has brought something into the flat for me, but that's not company, that's someone being helpful.
You know it really kills me not to have anyone. I could call Lisa, during the early evenings, but that isn't fair on her or Wayne, as they often spend the day apart with work, and thus the evening is there time to be together. Also it's unfair to use Lisa all the time, but apart from her there is no one. I often think I'm a bad person, but am I really that bad? Well I don't smoke, never have, drink, but nothing like what I could do and in general I'm a ok person or so I think. I was told the other week that some people think that I'm a bit childlike in my behaviour. Well to counter that, I like to feel younger than I am, but not child like, and if the person who made those remarks ever has the courage to say it too my face, then I'll tell her exactly how I feel to that accusation.
The problem doesn't just lie with others, if I go out, I feel so self conscious that it often ruins the night for me, and I go off into a little sulk, which effects others. Ok that can put people off inviting me out, but it's not all the time and often only when people say things that they shouldn't do within my ear shot. I am very fragile and yet people seem to think that I've got the skin of a Rhino for some reason. Well I haven't and Wednesday was a good example of that. I can only take so much before things hurt me, and hurt me badly. Yet is that an excuse for no one to at least occasionally contact me via the phone rather than email? NO, I don't think so! You see that's the way it is for me, no one really cares, the only person that phones me tends to be my mum, and that's not a regular thing. I can pick my phone up now, and tell you when the last time someone called me. It was Tuesday afternoon, and that was my mum phoning to see if I was on my way to pick her up from bingo, the last social call that I had was March 2nd, nearly a month ago.
Is it me? Do I expect too much from people? I really don't know, but one thing is for sure, no one really bothers me. This is me, but I put a lot into the friendships I have, and I would do anything for my friends (we all know that Lisa is my only real friend in my eyes, others are more mates, it's something I've said here before). I'd do anything for them, for example next weekend I'm going to be driving around 80 miles just so one of my mates can have a pizza. I know it's crazy, but it's something I'd do for any of them. If Lisa rang me tomorrow and asked me to go down for a chat over something I'd drop everything and go. The thing is, maybe I try too hard and expect others to be prepared to do the same for myself. I know that in years gone past I've asked a lot out of my friends, but I've put back what I've taken. I just wish that occasionally someone would call me for a chat, or even pop around to see me. I don't get that, and you know what I hate myself for it. Every now and again a little human interaction would be nice, instead all I get is the four walls. It isn't fair.