Monday, June 11, 2007

The fight for sanity

I start today in a curious mood to be honest, whilst still very much on the up, I'm feeling a bit down to be honest. As regular readers will be aware June is the month that my dad died, and whilst with each passing year the pain is less, it's still burning in me. Yesterday I mentioned in my other blog the pain that it brings and so with that in mind I went and re-read my diaries from that period and I broke down doing so.

Not the wisest move to be honest, and it's left me feeling a bit down today. However, this is in an odd way a good move by myself. I've been high for so long that by trying to bring myself back down in this way might help me. If I do succeed in taking myself down to a depression then it will be very interesting to see how I respond to that. I don't want to be down, I've enjoyed being in a good mood, and as yesterday's post here states I am in sight of being happy. Still going down to go up might be an advantage. Getting depressed now, might just help me beat the demons that have been stalking me for a good few years now. It could be the greatest move I make, and yet it could the be the opposite and the craziest thing I've done.

Who's to say that I'm right or wrong in the above statement? It's me of course and when will I know? After the end of this month or tomorrow? You see, this is such an odd thing that I don't know what to make of my own personal feelings in this. It's typical me, to find something which will make me down, rather than maintaining my good mood. It's the second time in a week that I've tried to do this to myself, without really noticing till a day or so later. It's a self destruct button within me that I want to press, and yet why should I? Am I trying to punish myself for something? I don't think so, and so why should I want myself to be unhappy? I mean for those of you who have been long time readers will probably say that the past few weeks have been as creative and easy to read as any of the posts that I've posted whilst I've been depressed, so why should I want to send myself back to the dark recesses of my sanity?

It's a strange life I guess, but hey right now I'm fighting for my life, and it's making me feel good to do so.

No comments: