So let's finish the saying in the title, Every Cloud has a silver lining. There it's done, but why has every cloud a silver lining? Well I'll tell you why, because all the clouds are gray and life is crap. I'm really am struggling at the moment, if it's not one thing, it's another and some how everything is intertwined for me, nothing is straight forward. It doesn't help when you've got no money either. I'm somehow managing to live off soup, pasta, bread and milk, and have done for around 5 weeks now. I think in that period of time my food bill hasn't topped £10, and yet I've got no more money till pay day now, which isn't till next Thursday!!!!
Yes, I know the money situation is my own fault, but and I say BUT, as it's not always my own fault. If we look at what's taken the big chunk of the money away recently it's my car. Now that's something I need, if I didn't have my car, I'd still be working at the school, being so fed up and miserable, but at least comforted with the knowledge that I'd be coming up to a holiday soon. I don't know if I'd be in a class or not, but with all the problems I'm hearing from those still up there and how I was when I was there I'm happy to be out as such. So my car is essential, but then the alternate view is if my car is going to keep costing me to make it safe for it's MOT, then perhaps a new car is needed. That though will of course cost me money which I haven't got and if I were to buy the said new car, I'd end up in money problem again till I get paid after buying the car.
So that's the car, but of course the fact that I can't predict what the problems with the car will be, as I'm no mechanic it doesn't help me. All I know is to add the fuel, oil and water. I know that this time around that I needed a load of welding which if I'm honest and very brutally honest will come from the accident that I had last year where I ended up in a ditch. I wrote that incident down back then, but I thought I was clear in terms of damage to the car, but I guess that it's just kicked me hard in the teeth last month. I can't say it's a direct consequence, but I can have a pretty good idea that it's related. Still it's only now that I can think that, but even so, I doubt I could have predicted how much the bill would be this time.
Having no money in terms of food is a slight problem, as I've been able to eat at my mums quite a lot, which has saved me some money, but I do need to buy some stuff for mum, as a repayment, but of course I can't do that right now. Which would normally be fine, but as it's in my mind I'm getting really frustrated and unhappy about the situation. Then as always I end up in a dark depressive mood. The money situation also leads to problems like not being able to afford to get my hair cut, which while being the least of my priorities right now, has a detrimental effect on me psychologically in terms of me being paranoid over my appearance, which for me is very important, or at least how others perceive me, and if my appearance is poor then I'm really agitated by it and again get very depressive.
Added to all the above is that this weekend I'm due to attend a conference in Manchester, which is all well and good. Yet, I've no money to socialize afterwards, which doesn't really concern me, but it would be nice. I'm concerned I've got no money to get me to the bloody conference, and now I find that Lisa is coming home this weekend. Just at the time I could do with a sit down and chat, I'm going to be busy all the time she's down. Is it any wonder that all the clouds are gray/silver in appearance to myself right now. That's just the psychological stuff, add to that the work isn't the greatest of environments right now and of course my leg is still causing me problems after the fall on Sunday. My life could be described as hell, but I'm sure that hell is a nice place compared to inside my head and inside my life right now.