Saturday, November 04, 2006

Referee Ga Ga....

It was late, I was tired, and I wanted to go to bed, and so I did. That's the way the last entry finished, which isn't a bad thing, just that I didn't note that had it been earlier in the night I'd have probably woke up in the middle of the night to listen to the Oilers v Stars game on the radio. As it happens I didn't do that I'm whilst I'm glad I didn't in some ways, it doesn't make up for the anger inside me at the way the game ended. That has to be the worse bit of officiating I've seen in any sport, at any level. Not only did one of the ref's decide to make a T-Rex of a shit call, he did so without even considering going upstairs to review the play, as the whole play had led to a goal being scored.

That said I'm back for the third post within a 24 hour period, and whilst that's not the first time it's happened, it's the first time in a long time that I've felt my creative juices flowing enough to write about things. It's not that any of what I write is created out of my mind as such, it's just that for me to write anything here or anywhere for that matter I've got to be in a particular mood to do so. I've recently been accused of writing War and Peace, when a simple sonnet would do. I'm not going to argue on that, I can waffle, I can pad things out, but that's because I want to make a point over something and to make it clear enough for one and all to read. I could use local slang all the time, and confuse the hell out of the lot of you, but I don't, and won't.

So what set's the juices flowing? Well for my best works, I have to be depressed in some respect, I'm much more open and fluid in terms of myself at those times. I think it's the fact that my defenses have been breached and that leads to the inner self to escape. At times like they are right now the walls or barriers are up, and it's struggle for anyone to get into me, as much as it is for me to let go. That's why this place stagnates I guess when I'm in a reasonable mood, I just can't let go of anything, which would be of interest. Yet, right now things are going ok, and the juices are flowing, but I'm not down. I don't know what is going on, but then again if you look at the topics of late, very little of it is about ME, it's about others around me and I haven't let much out of the bag.

The one thing that I can let go for the world to know, is that quite recently I've become much more centred around myself. In that I mean that I'm starting to care about myself again. Maybe with the money situation I'm in and not having lots of snacks or stuff to eat, I've started to look into getting myself into shape, losing some weight and in general being nice to myself. This is a huge effort on my part, as even in these times when things are good for me, I still can't say I love myself, I still can't say I like myself. I don't hate myself either, but for me it's been a marathon just to get to the point of not hating myself. I guess now, after some time to recover I'm starting to feel the urge to run another marathon and to push myself to liking myself. So this is perhaps the stretches before the training runs.

One of the things that trying to be more self centred has done and it's strange really, is to have made look at the things I can do for nothing to help ME out. One of those things is to re-discover music as such. OK, for most of life I've got music playing, if I'm in the flat, I've got media player going constantly with the play list on shuffle, the same in my car, the radio or cd player are on all the time. Yet, with the music being on all the time, it becomes secondary to everything and I just accept it, and every so often a song gets played that I've not heard for a while and I go WOW. With me thinking about me, I've sort of started to listen to the music properly again and started to dance within the confines of my flat. It's sort of really embarrassing to admit that, but it's helped me find some of my favourite songs again and why I like them so much. Being self centred has helped me find things I like, and what makes me happy. More of this over the next few weeks and I may be ready to go training far sooner than I first imagined.

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