Friday, November 03, 2006

Not as Long

Well OK, it's been a while longer than I had imagined, but here's the next installment of my blog. It does seem that people do come and read this page, so it's a nod to them for doing so, even if I'm not writing as much as I used too. In some ways I'm a little surprised that I'm not contributing more considering how many things are conspiring against me to make my life unhappy.

Still the fact that they are not, means I may be coping a bit better now than at any time before. I hold my breath on that thought, and the fact I've written it, means that something will probably end up happening to send me tail spinning into the void.

Life hasn't been too good to be honest since the last post, though I've been living off next to nothing and will continue to do so for the next few weeks. I think that has had a positive effect on me this time. OK, I wish I had the money to live a better life, and to feel secure, but right now, I'm living off basics and if anything that's become something to achieve and thus making me feel good for doing so. I can do that, I don't need to spend on luxuries to be happy. They help, they can make one feel positive about oneself, but at the end of the day what I'm doing now is the same, all be it in a different way. If I can get through this month without much and then start to sort myself out again then, perhaps thing might start to happen again. I may be able to plan etc. Then again in terms of monies, just as I get straight Xmas will arrive and of course that will only lead me to spending more than intended. The circle of debt never seems to leave me.

At work things are plodding along. I wouldn't say they are great, nor are they really bad, but I do know that things could be better and that some of the questions I've asked haven't been answered and nor are they likely to be in the next few weeks I guess. I'm still sort of waiting to be told if I can have any extra hours or not, which would go some way to breaking the circle of debt. Though of course it would probably lead me to more debt, though I really doubt it. Whilst I'm in debt right now, it's not because I really spend that much money, it's just that I spend what I earn, and that's the problem. Whilst learning to live in the aforementioned manner, I did get myself into debt and have since been living with it. I don't pay off the debt, but nor does it tend to get any bigger due to the fact I live off what I earn. The circle of debt I guess.

Out of work things have been extremely quiet over the past weeks or so. I've not been out since the night out with Lisa a few weeks back. I've not been able to afford to go out to be honest, and won't be able to for a while now. I know getting out is important for my own sanity, but is it really important? I don't really know as at times going out often leaves me with a huge self image problem or some other scar. I end up getting down on myself, which in turn leads me to depression. So let's look at this properly at some other time. Why do I allow myself to be my worst enemy all the time? It's got to be some thing about me, that me don't like. I'm not 100% sure of this, as I'm probably happier now with myself than at any other point in my life. So why do I still bully myself???

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