Has it really been 9 days since I wrote in here? I guess so! I hadn't posted over the past few days as I've stopped myself for a multitude of reasons, but today I felt I could post and so here it is the 379th post of the journal.
I'm in a funny mood right now, no I'll correct that I'm in a very split mood. I can explain that with a description of work, in that once I work with the young people I'm very happy, relaxed and have confidence in my self and the everything I do. However when it comes to being in the office the mood switches to one of anger, bitterness and depression, and a general not wanting to be there. However that is most unlike me since I joined Barnardo's as a paid employee. I guess things change and they certainly have in that office.
However that has been well documented in this journal before now and in my other blog, which can be found at Myspace. What I want to say though is that that sort of split now runs in my everyday life as well. I hate being alone and during those periods where I am alone like this past weekend, I've felt awful and not wanted to do anything, which has included interacting with others. Yet the thing I should be doing is interacting with others be it going out shopping etc, as that helps take away the blues and it's really horrible place to be in right now. I know that this is exactly where I started when I started to see my councillor ages ago, and I've been working to alter that state. I have improved and I guess I'm more willing to go out and do things now than I was 12 months ago, but that split inside of me is still around and I can't understand it.
My next session with my councillor is the last one I'll be having so I should at least show some improvement, but to tell her lies would be wrong wouldn't it. So I've got to be out of this phases by the time of that appointment, whenever that shall be. I guess being able to spot the situation is good as I can now look back on what made the difference and how I can simulate that again. I know I can be happy again and I know that I can enjoy myself it just needs something to put the rocket under whatever to enable it to explode.
What makes it so odd right now, is that during the summer I didn't mind being on my own that much, yes I could go to see mum after work etc, but that isn't the reason for the change in attitude. I can't place it to be honest, something snapped just before my birthday, and I can pinpoint it. It was the day at the hairdressers, and since that day where I went into a panic attack I've not been the same. I know I had problems after the James concerts in Hoxton, but I can't put it down to that. Then saying that I chose to isolate myself that second night, which is typical of me in so many ways, why I did that I don't know. Still it's done with and perhaps a night out where I don't give a shit about me and enjoy myself will help me. Where is that going to come from? Well I have idea's on that, but we'll have to wait and see if that happens, but keep your fingers crossed that it does.