Depression sucks, simple as that really. Depression haunts you, simple as that really. Depression will always be a part of me, simple as that really.
Whilst I've gone around the houses before saying this and that about depression, I think one of the things that I've never really thought about is that no matter what I do, it's always with me. Even if it's hidden away in the darker area's of my mind, it's lurking and waiting for a chance to pounce. It's about me letting it in, it's about me thinking in a different way than normal. I can't explain the current episode of depression as clearly as I hoped or did the other week. I don't think that is the correct answer anyway, but what ever happened to trigger this bout was serious.
It may have been only a footfall as such in comparison to other times where I've gone from being OK to being on the verge of contemplating suicide. However I wasn't that far away and if I'm honest with myself, had I not cancelled my trip to Winchester a week before I wouldn't have ended up in that position. By that I mean I let out a cry for help, one which was heard and whilst it wasn't a hey let's sit down and talk, it created an avenue for me to explain things not only to my best friend, but also for her to be positive to me, at a time when no one else was being that way with me.
It's that little bit of effort that woke me up, and gave me a chance to grab a hold of something before it went too far. I've made the first steps to making a recovery, this is going to be a long period of recovery, but I will complete this, and I'll try and get back to the happy place I was holding only 3 or 4 weeks ago. I guess having a week or two off work, whilst I was down hasn't helped me, but at least I've been able to wallow in my own misery alone and not inflict it onto anyone else.
I return today and I know I'm going to face the questions as to where I was last weekend, why didn't I call or why didn't I say anything, but hey why should I answer to them? Well it helps team relations, so that's as good of an answer I can come up with. Once the word depression leaves my lips, I'm sure that the majority of people will understand why I didn't do anything, and why I didn't go to my colleagues wedding. Yes, I was looking forward to it, yes, I wanted to go, but at the end of the day I couldn't go for personal reasons. Those reasons being highlighted here, if I'm right in my previous post. So I guess I should direct people here to see what all the fuss is about.