Looking back on the past few weeks I can see that I've been more and more positive about life. I've even been more positive about work than I care to accept. Is it down to that assertiveness training I went on? No, I don't think it is, but I do think that has perhaps helped put a different slant on things. I'm viewing things as they are and am able to contemplate saying things that I would only have dreamt of saying weeks ago.
Still it doesn't make work any easier does it? I have to accept that I've got to do something to make all this thought and anger go away. I've got to make a fool of myself, I've got to make myself heard or else nothing will be done and I'll forever sit around thinking what if. What if I'd said that, would things have been different. I'm not scared of being shouted down any more, I'm not even bothered if I stand on people's toes at work any more, I'm confident to be able to defend my own sense of being. After all if I can't defend what I say then who can?
The sense of being I'm finding at work is also having an effect on me in life in general. Maybe for the first time in ages I'm starting to feel ok about being alone, not bothered about being on my own. Yes, being around someone is always nice, it opens up discussions and adds something to ones life, but it's not always what one needs. I can spend many an hour on my own and not feel lonely, but there does come times when one does need company. Right now it isn't one of those times and though when the time comes around again I'll probably moan like hell, but still I'll come at it from a more positive mode by then.
I do think that the anti depressants that I've been taking for the past 3 months have helped me a bit. I think they've given me the more rational thoguht process that I needed to sort myself out again. I do think that my mind does wander off into it's own mysterious concept world, which is so far removed from what is considered the norm that I'm barely able to accpept what is in the real world. So here I sit writing this and accepting that at times I completely lose things and also accepting that at the same time I still do my job.
What does that mean to the children? Well I've previously stated that I of course hold it together when I'm working the best, but is that always a good thing?? I don't know, I've never had to have anyone question me in terms of how I work at those times the closest came at Springwood a couple of years back. Yet, as I hardly worked with the children at that point I don't think it was too much of a problem. I have never done anything stupid if you know what I mean and wouldn't do when I'm working. At home, after work yes, but never during work.
Where does this fit in with the rest of the recent posts? I don't think it does, it's just that I wanted to make a second post and looked back at recent posts to see what sort of mood I've been in. Today isn't any sort of historical day for me. I've no real memories of this day which pertain to me as an individual, though we are coming up to a major one, but that isn't near enough to send me into this sort of reflective mood. I just think it's the fact that I'm relaxing today and not having to do anything. It's the chill out day for a while, nothing planned and nothing to plan for really. Just a day of listening to music and also playing computer games. I know it's not exactly everyone's way of relaxing, but for me it works.
So what computer games then? Well only one to be honest, and that's NHL Eastside Manager. I've got a real long game running on this game and though it takes time to play, it's a game that I enjoy and can relax whilst playing. I'm not one for car games or games where you have to shoot everyone to death. I certainly can't play first person games, as I end up being sick. So this game is sort of perfect for me. I can combine my love of hockey with strategy etc. I know that the game has a steady following in and around the world and the new version should be with us shortly, which I think I'll pick up. I missed the last one with the intention of getting the third version. Still that's a way off yet. My next entertainment purchases will be season 1 of 24, and season 4 of Six Feet Under and Smallville.