Tuesday, July 11, 2006


Something inside me has exploded and caused me to implode once more. I've got to face the facts that something is really bothering me and I'm not 100% sure what it is. Is it my appearance? Is it me as a person? Is it work? What is it that has caused this?

I walked out of a training session this morning, which may lead me to being in trouble at work, but I had to do something. For since enter that building yesterday my mood has tumbled down from being quite good to zero. I'm feeling insecure about myself and everything else. I don't know what it is, but something has snapped and I can't put my finger on it. I've booked an appointment with my doctor for the morning with the hope she'll give me either stronger AD's or a sick note. I'm sort of hankering to the later, but we'll wait and see on that one.

One thing for sure I never want to go back to that building again, nor do I ever want to see that trainer again. That has put me off that place for good and I won't go back. It's a negative building for me, it's horrible, it's nasty, it's depressing. I went into that place quite happy, in fact if we look at what I wrote on Sunday I was quite positive about things. So why then within hours of me writing that post was I in the deepest hole of despair? I really don't know? It's me I guess, but what I wrote last night I mean.

I hate myself at the moment, for being able to lose everything that I've worked hard to get over the past few months in the space of minutes and hours. I've lost all self confidence, self belief, and being of one's self. I'm nothing to no one, I do not mean a thing to anyone and should I drop dead here and now, I bet it would be sometime into next week when someone would find me. I'm telling you, no one really cares about me.

What have I done to deserve to feel this way? What have I done to be like this? What have I got to do to change this? I don't know, I've been to several councillors and yet apart from Cherie, none of them have ever helped, none of them have been able to get me to be honest and work to a point where I could be happy in life. I've got no one that I can turn too!! I would turn to Lisa, but I always turn to her, and who else is there? Kirsty is a good friend, but she's been through enough herself of late. I can't turn to my mum, she'd have no idea of how to deal with me right now. All I've got is myself and I have to sort that out. How though????

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