Ok, lets begin with the acknowledgement that I know where I'm going and on what the title of the post will be. This isn't always a good sign, but today it is I feel, as I've got to explore things again, which may or may not have a wider impact on me going forward.
Yesterday, I wrote I couldn't get out to the event that I wanted to go to, well I did find a way in the end and that's good, real good as knowing what I do know, I know I'd be sat here writing a completely different entry and bemoaning the world and myself. If anything, I played my usual self right up to the very end, convincing myself that I wasn't going, couldn't go and any other excuse that I could muster. However, what turned it was looking what I was going to have for tea, it was planned and just at the very first stages of cooking, when I thought why? Why should I go through with this meal, when I could go out and and have something else cheap, and possibly enjoy myself? See what I did there? Possibly, no guarentees on me enjoying myself even if I go out or not, and that's been noted before.
So, with little time I got ready, and then realised that I'd missed the bus that would get me to the pub, for the agreed meeting time, so I got changed again, spent a fraciton more time getting ready before heading out to catch the next bus. Here I want to rant, the bus company advertises online when the buses are due to go, yet at the bus stop it's a different time. Had I known this I could have indeed caught the earlier bus, had I left when I decided it was too late to do so. Anyway rant over I went and got some money out and waited for the next bus, which came and took me away.
At the venue, well it was nice to see some people that I hadn't seen for years, some as many as 20 years at the very least. That was fun, the strange thing is though and here's where I start to look at things, is that what I had percieved many years ago to be an indentification marker, of flying rumours and wagging tongues hadeither been untrue or forgotten. That was strange as I had to go through near enough everything again, even though I had thought they'd all known and that one of the reasons for trying to avoid the event was not wanting to have to be me. By that I didn't want to have put on more of a show than I already would. That isn't me, those that know me, will testify on that one. Not that I don't mind putting on a show very, very occasionally, but as time goes by it gets less showy and more me.
I guess then that my memory of events way back and here we aren't talking about 20 years, more like 10 years or so, which strikes me as well odd really. OK, I can't recall exactly what I was doing 10 years ago today, no matter what I do? I know that at this point in time at 11.10am, I'd be watching Salford JOB play football either down at Patricroft or some other Eccles Sunday League set of pitches. Then off to the Queens for a drink with everyone, home and well that's it really I've no idea of what else. So OK I can recall what I was doing 10 years ago, but not exactly and that's beside the point. I recall events and conversations around those events. When I say conversations, I mean the general specifics unless it was meaningful or hurtful, and I know which one I mean when I say that. With that knowledge I guess either my memory isn't correct and 99.5% of the time with those sort of things it is, or my perception of the conversations were wrong then and have stayed wrong.
Perhaps then, if they are wrong a whole host of other perceptions I've made over the yeas are wrong, and they have guided me down a road that I wouldn't have chosen or shouldn't on occasion. I know I shouldn't rake over some of the issues here as that can be as bad aas going through them all over again. However, now is a time to reflect and perhaps try and take a step back. No wait I alwasys do step back and judge what has gone on. I was doing so last night I was playing that game whilst out. I'm now not sure how to proceed. I know that I judge people and events, just like anyone else, but what if I get everything wrong and my fretting over things leads me to that event?? Like last night my mind was working in overdrive at one point fearful of what was taking place and where it was all going. I still am a bit fearful even though I shouldn't be as I really enjoyed the night, but I guess it's perceptions and constant worry over things exploding in my face, as if that hasn't happened before. Trepidation and perception, is that ever a good mix? Now that's a whole new ball game, and one I don't want to think of right now. However, it's something to look into another time or to consider today whilst plodding along.