Exploring Footsie

About this time yesterday I was writing my first post of the month in here, with little to express apart from the tale of the foot.  So why I'm starting to write again, when I've got as little or think I've got little to say I don't know.  

So whilst being relatively OK, no moods no depression etc.  I'm writing in here.  Perhaps I should look at the incident with the foot again, a bit more closely.  Why did I end up in the situation that I did, which led to me doing what I did?  That I don't know, I've not felt stressed by much of late, I know I'd had a letter from the estate agents with regards another matter, which I personally feel was out of order, and angered me, however my mood in the shop was desperation.  That isn't anger it's a different thing, why did I suddenly collapse into a near breakdown??  

Yes, me and money don't really work, it's been mentioned in here many times that we don't seem to stay around each other alot.  The thing is though I know that I had been better than they were suggesting to me, I'd paid back much more money than they were proclaiming I had.  I was in the right, they were in the wrong and yet it was me who got upset, it was me who got stressed.  Why was that?  I think if I look at it, perhaps it was fear, fear that I'd never seemingly pay off what I owed them.  I'm paying off another debt as well as this and whilst I'm paying them exactly the same amount each month, the other debt is already asking for more.  I can't pay them more till I finish this one, and so I guess that fear of being so far away from the end of this nightmare swiped my feet from under me.  I guess that all foundations were dug up with the words from them.  My safety net wasn't ready and the fall was huge, even though I knew they were wrong.  So perhaps it was shock, fear and frustration all in one moment took me down so far, so fast that I couldn't stop.  

This isn't me trying to say what I did was correct, it clearly wasn't two weeks on and my foot is far from right.  However, I feel that by exploring this and putting it down here may help me understand what happened.  May help others whom are curious as to why I did this understand.  Some people on hearing the tale suggested I seek help, I haven't done so, mainly because I know myself, and I'm not in a "bad" position as I've been in before.  It's been clear that around this time last year I fell into a very dark oblivion and the hole I went into was very dark and very deep.  What took place two weeks ago wasn't a fast track back to that.  I think it was one event that ripped through me so fast that I couldn't contain my emotions.  

Now that's a word I've not used in this or thought of till now.  Perhaps I was emotional considering the letter that I'd had.  I maybe was feeling emotional that day, and that by being in such a state allowed my defences to be down and that contributed to the whole situation.  Yes, that's perfectly legitimate, so that's another issue that was against me that day.  

Here I accept that I was stupid, I shouldn't have done what I did, but at that split second in time, I couldn't control myself, I had to do something and that seemed to be the ideal thing.  Throughout my life I've been prone to "losing it", as a child if I lost it, things got bad, I would do anything against anyone in an attempt to correct what had been "wronged" against me.  Be it throwing things, hitting things, even using things to threaten people.  I learned how to temper that, working with children helped stop that on the whole, but I'd still do the crazy stuff once in a while.  Normally it would be something crazy which would eventually lead to me regretting what I did, and normally it was once every three or four years.  However, once a decade I find that I do something totally stupid, like I did a couple of weeks ago.  Will I ever get rid of that?  I seriously doubt it, it's part of me, though I'm not proud of it, it's one of my coping mechanisms.  I know it sounds crazy that I'm accepting that, but after all these years if I'm still doing it, after all the councilling that I've had, I doubt I'll ever learn otherwise.