It's less than 30 minutes since I finished off the last post and I'm writing again. I have to say this isn't planned this is a spur of the moment post. The last one came to me late last night/early this morning and whilst not exactly planned, as I indicated I had an idea of where it was heading this though not.
The way I ended the previous post has had me thinking and whilst linking it with facebook, I kept trying to use trepidation and perception isn't a good mix. However, that was right at the end and didn't really match the rest of the entry. What though now? Well I really enjoyed writing that entry as whilst having an idea of where I was going it was doing what I had intended and forcing me to open my mind, but that last phrase has had me thinking more so since finishing the blog than I thought it would.
Trepidation is a fear of something, for me fear of ridicule, fear of rejection, fear of anger, fear of being attacked verbally and physically. One loads every one of these on top of each other and it becomes a walking time bomb waiting to explode. It was trepidation that has kept me from doing things in the past, things I've explained in the past. Why though do I allow those fears to take hold on occasions like that?? What is it really that makes me so fearful? Even when going out into a community that I know, that I can feel safe in? Out of those that I mentioned above for me the biggest fear is rejection, I hate that, it's the killer for me. Often I've mentioned how social I am, and I really am no matter what I'm sort of saying here right now. I hate being alone, and whilst being out with people is all well and good, but one can be "amongst friends, but all alone" and quite often that's the case with myself. Last night at times I felt a little out of it, but not as much as normal, I guess in such a small grooup and having such a lot to catch up on, taking turns to chat about events and then listening made it easier. Though me being me, percieved situations or am doing so right now. Situations that didn't happen, or didn't take place openly if that's the correct way to describe how I'm thinking, or was thinking. However, who cares I enjoyed last night and though this is perhaps over kill analysis, it isn't supposed to be that way. Nothing happened, I know that, everyone there knows that.
Reading that, whilst typing it, whilst trying to make sense to myself brings a smile to myself, it's a perfect example of what I guess I was trying to explain. As I begin to fear things, and start to put one on top of the other, I start to percieve things, and they tend to be negative perceptions or should I say more of a paranoid perception shall we say. That isn't negative in how I would put it, it's just me worried about myself and for obvious reasons, I've been hurt in the past, and once hurt no one really wants it to happen again. So perhaps now looking at what I've written here and thinking a little more the phrase about trepidation and perceptions isn't far wrong in that they don't mix well, but it's trepidation that provides the fuel for the perceptions, and so to describe it as a mix isn't quite right, it's more of a fuel.
So how do I stop it? As with a lot of things this week that I've talked about I don't think I can stop it. I think it's something that only really positive encounters can lead to a change, but that will never happen we know that. I'm not the only one here, no one goes through life with 100% positive encounters with people, and being part of a marginalised group doesn't encourage positivity and that isn't said negatively either. It's the way things go and most people within marginalised groups would agree with me. So each time we go out there is a chance of all the fears or many of them actually happening and we have to build our own defences to counter them. However, let's be honest I don't know of one person who has pefect defences either, and thus whilst I'm trying to make excuses perhaps for myself, I feel that to expect a solution to this issue is too much. We are human and we all have our faults, and we all make mistakes and we all have our moments.
Being able to control the environments one is in, and the people in that environment helps, but apart from inviting people to your own place (not an option in my situation, fitting the cat into the room is problematic enough, let alone trying to swing it), no one will get it right every time. I guess what I'm trying to tell myself and explain to myself here is that I've got to let go of the reins some what, I've got to chance my arm a little. I won't get the positive encounters by not going to the encounters themselves if you know what I mean. I'lll get burnt, I'll mess up, I'll get a little paranoid an example of that was on Friday at Trec. However, I tend to display a who gives F&*k attitude at times to everyone else, but inside I'm screaming at myself. I think it's there where I have try and grab some of the hard as nails external amd transfer it to the internal to toughen it up. Of course it's easier said than done, and it's something that I've been so used to now for so many years that it's part of my nature, though this nature has only manifested itself later in life. I learnt this and so can unlearn it, unlike some of the other things that I've spoken about this week.
Now I want to carry on writing, however I think I've finished this entry, but have enjoyed the exploration and just the general relaxation it has created. However, I'll ruin the post by going on for too long. So another entry might find it's way onto here today. It's been a while since I've been so creative and creative on a positive basis. Which is strange as it was around this time last year the negatives hit and I went flying into the huge depression. How wonderful is life, seriously did I just say that????