Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Can I change who I am???

As I begin this post, I'm wondering what type of person I am.  I say that because I see things in me, that I don't like, that I didn't think were in me and yet I see them as clear as water.  Why don't I change them?? Well I think the other day I talked about not changing who I am now, I'm beyond change, though of course that of course is a silly thing to say we all change day by day, with our life experiences, however what I mean, there are certain things within us all that make us the person we are, and whilst some of these things can change there are other aspects of ourselves that we can't change and those are the points I'm refering to.

My behaviour of late hasn't been good, I regret some of the things I've done, though I've not done them to deliberately be cruel, or to harm anyone they can easily be said to be cruel.  Some might say that I've been cruel to them, and that's something that I would argue about, as whilst I'm saying I have been, it wasn't supposed to be or deliberate.  That doesn't mean that I haven't been cruel.  I'm finding it hard to convey what I mean here, it's difficult.

One of the things that I've noticed is that although I beleive myself to be kind, and helpful and willing to do anything for anyone, at times though I am quite the opposite.  I'll not do anything for anyone other than myself and I am selfish and regret that.  On a reflective note that's where I've been of late and I'm curious as to why I do that.  I know that I could rattle on about my meanings and intentions, but I have to say that perhaps having a mean, cruel side of my personality perhaps makes me who I am.  Does that part of me or did that part of me help me in my career?  I would say it did for a long time, that's not to say I was a mean person, when I worked with the young people I did, but I think it helped me be better at what I did.  It made me to be a bit stronger and not to give in to everything demanded as such.  However, that was at work, and I'm talking more about outside of work.  That what makes me curious, as to how or why I allow that side of me to surface now and again. 

Do I need to be that mean person to let me live my life?  No course I don't, do I want to be that person? No of course not, so why do I let it arise?  Do I allow this side of me to manifest itself when I'm down or high?  I wouldn't say when it really appears, though of course the latest bout of this has come whilst I've been feeling slightly sorry for myself due to the injury to my foot.  So is it when I'm feeling sorry for myself?  Maybe, but why then?  Is it so that can block the world out and concentrate on me?  Is it because my own guard is down and I can't realise the situation till it's too late??  I really don't know, but I could sit here and think and write, and write and think for the rest of the afternoon (well almost), and probably not come up with an answer.  However, progress has started, I've identified an issue, I've seen something within me to work on and so I can sit down on occasions or think about it when I'm in bed or out wolking and work on ways to avoid this in the future. 

Yesterday I went swimming, which was fun as usual, though I did find on my way home, whilst walking back that my knee's were starting to feel strained.  I'm guessing due to the nature of my current walking style with the one crutch I'm adapting my actual walking. to avoid pain on my foot, which though is causing stresses on my knees.  So I'll perhaps rest up more than I had hoped to do, even though I'm wanting to get out and do some more exercise.  My knee's may be in better shape than my foot right now, but I know my knee's are an accident waiting to happen, as has been explained in previous posts. 

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