I said I would return and I have, so the year 2011 is little over an hour away from departing, and my thoughts are good, I can say good bye to another year. It hasn't been the worse one I've been through, but it's been bad enough. Another year on the poverty line, another year estranged from the family, another year alone.
It started off so positively, and with so much hope, but by March and April it fell apart, suicide was an option, I contemplated it, I even went out of the flat with the intention of taking my life, but in the end, or should I say once I'd contemplated the situation I didn't go through with it, I felt I had some more to offer, and one or two events in the future to keep me going. I didn't wish to spoil a friends day, even that early in the year. So I ploughed on, with no internet, no phone and no money, desperate to try and sort things out.
Many jobs were applied for, some I wanted, some I didn't. Some were in the field of work I have experience in and others not, but all but one this year ended up in the same place, the waste bin, only one interview all year, and even then it was informal, lasted no more than say 10 minutes, and even by the time I'd sat down to start the chat, I knew I wasn't going to get the role, no matter how hard I sold myself. I have become disenchanted with my job search, to cap it off towards the end of the year, I was refered to a government agency in October, for the next level of help, as of now, as of tomorrow, I've heard nothing from them. I contacted them recently and they said they'd not got my info, the job centre told me they'd sent the info via snail mail rather than electronically for some reason, I have no idea why, but they did, and it hadn't been dealt with. They said I'd hear something, well I haven't and that just about sums it all up really. If the people out there who are employed to help me are ignoring me, then what hope in hell have I got of an employer of taking notice of me.
Once I hit the depression early in the year, and I seemed to be all alone, I drove people away from me, not intentionally, but I did. I felt alone, I knew I was alone and so a retreat behind my own walls took place. Even now many months later, I don't think I've poked my head back out yet. I'm still confining myself to the friends that mean the most to me. Not that I know if the plural is right? There I go again, that could be seen by others as me being rude, I don't know if it is, but it's how internally I feel right now. Who have I got close to me? Well the one person that knows me the best, the one person whom I call friend and well as good as my sister, as the real sister isn't worth mentioning. That's how I see things. Those with whom I used to confine in, had to distance themselves from me or chose to and whilst communications are open, from my perspective and from me, I've been reluctant to really open up. I think that may well be a defence mechanism, I really did take a huge hit back at the start of the year.
Yes, I've moved on, and have become more involved in things since, in an attempt I guess to help myself, but how much that has done I don't know? Perhaps now is the time I'll find out, being on the edge of another depression, and edge is the word. I've spotted the signs as my previous post earlier today showed, so I may be able to work something out and prevent that from taking place. Even if it means making an appointment with my GP and having to go back onto anti depressants, which will be a last resort in the next week or so if I have to. Going back to what I was talking about, I've got events coming up to take my mind off the situation here at my flat, and if they work then so be it, but I do have to give them a chance, I can't go into them, being negative, nor can I do so thinking they'll be the answer to everything, they won't be. That sort of attitude will only end in trouble.
Now this review wll probably sound really negative when I read it back in a year or so time, but let's try to be positive, there was some really positive things come out of this year. Yet, more sporting joy, and musical entertainment. I met some new people, who are nice, and I get along with. So that's a start. I've been able to rebuild bridges with sorts with those that I pushed away earlier in the year, although as previously stated they are not as secure as they were, the rebuilding process is taking time and that's a good thing, I don't want to see that crumble again. I've visited Wrexham in the first time in ages, which may not sound much. Indeed it really isn't, as Wrexham isn't really that much, but it has significance in my life as I'm sure I've written, so that was enjoyable. I've started to write in here again, and found that I could maintain doing so, and do so on a regular basis in good and bad times. I'm not sure if this is the second or third most productive year in this blog, however it's been fun to write. It's been fun to alter it's appearnace after so many years.
Appearances, oh if only they could change else where, progress has been made, but it's slow and though I knew it would be, every now and again it really does hurt me how slow. It's times like that I undertake periods of self pity and self loathing in equally high quantities. I'm jealous like hell of many people, alot of whom I've only met in the last 2 years or so, and I doubt they'll be reading this, but I'm not naming names. Thank you in many ways, your beauty is wonderful, and I'm jealous as hell, but it's that jealousy that some times drives me on, gives me a spur, whih normally lasts no more than a day or two, but it feeds me in positive ways, if I'm happy though of course if down negatively.
So there we go I don't think I've really reviewed the year, perhaps put a perspective on it from the position I find myself in now, but I write in the moment, and some of this has been thought of, most of it is spontious. So I hope to see you in 2012, perhaps a little more regular in here than else where, I don't know. Howerver, those who have stuck by this blog and read no matter what, I'm sorry it's been such a brutal read at times, sorry I've had to write some horrible things, but it's designed to help me and to let others know how I feel, and also on my fight against all that's nasty in my life. I can not write for others. I do however thank you all for reading, I'm not sure why you do so, but when I see 10 or 11 people reading each blog I know some one, some where is and it sort of encourages me to continue.