Saturday, December 17, 2011

Recovery Vehicle Found

It's the morning after the night before and whilst I'm putting the crash down last night to possibly being part of the ripple effect of my fall a few weeks back now, I've just started to question that as I type.  So I'm going to look into this a bit more now.

So why after so long have I crashed?  Is it to do with the fall a few weeks ago?  Has the rush that caused not only of emotions, but also adrenalin just ran out?  Am I suffering the whole effects of that right now?  I question this as whilst I've still got the wound on my hand, the bruising around my knee is only just fading.  It could be that kicking in and me feeling sorry for myself.  I thought I'd done that enough on the day of the fall, but maybe not??  

What else could it be then?  Well, I accept I'm no fan of Xmas, it's well documented that I don't like it and have said so quite recently.  Having been out last night for Trec's Xmas party, and being rather social, coming home to the empty flat, which was cold, me being cold and hungry perhaps combined to induce the feeling I did.  I'm not sure now, but what ever it was, the crash was rather dramatic, as I'd been feeling so good for so long.  That's the thing that really hit me last night, and why I had to write and why I'm trying to examine this right now.  I've been so up of late and to crash like that is a bit of a shock.  

Maybe it wasn't the flat that was the issue, maybe it's the old being alone thing that hit me last night.  Another well documented part of my make up, the love of being social and yet the reality of total loneliness that encapsulates my life.  Perhaps it was that, with all the tales of impending festive activities, with family, with partners, with friends.  Maybe the realisation that I'm going to be alone with turkey lasagne, maybe a cheap bottle of wine and what ever I decide to watch.  It isn't going to be as they say a "Happy Christmas" for me.  That's why I dislike this festive period, it's never happy for me, and yet externally I force myself to be so for the world, and it takes it toll, that may have prompted the crash last night?  There is only so much one can do, before it becomes difficult to maintain the facade and that's crumbled.  

Now to be positive about it, at least I got to my flat and relaxed rather than being with everyone else last night, which is good, but then if it was a facade, then I would have been building scaffolding to keep it up till we finished last night and when would that have finished when I walked through my door.  Still at least I didn't spoil anyone ones night and that's good.  I've taken time to try and understand what happend, maybe the hunger, lack of anything in my system meant that I couldn't keep the pretence up.  Perhaps had I eaten before going out I'd have felt better on getting in? Who knows, but by sitting down and looking at it, I've a better understanding of what happened, and yes, this entry may be a few paragraphs long, and I may have just touched on things, but I think a combination of everything that I have written hit and that they all played a part, and it wasn't just one thing.  So now the plan of action is to get breakfast done, go get a little bit of shopping done, and then relax a little and try and enjoy the day.  I feel a bit better having explored what happend and knowledge is powerful in these cirucmstances.

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