Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Gray Clouds

After the bright start and subsequent good day, the weather has altered again here, the clouds are gray and hey things look a lot bleaker. Why should that be, I've been really happy of late, what's changed? Nothing has changed, I'm still OK, though as each day passes with this wonderful mood, I can but fear that the drop at the end of it all will be huge. I'm feeding this journal with lots of positives and yet we all know that it's going to change at some point.

I've made many a entry saying how I hate myself, I hate my life and my job (previous of course), but they will be added to I'm sure. It's really crazy to be looking at that after all the work I've done with my counselor over the last 6 months or so, but I am. However, I do think that I'll be able to halt the decline quicker than I have of late and the bump at the bottom of the cliff will not be as bad as normal. That's to come though, more on what's going on NOW!!

I guess it's life as "normal" right now, just plodding through trying to get everything at work going well, or should I say going well for myself. I must admit that I feel a bit selfish at work, as I'm one of the few that is truly happy right now and one of the few who can claim to be enjoying things again. Others are down, unhappy and on the whole not enjoying work. I've been there and they have tried to help me out of that state. I've so far shied away from that mainly because they've all made it known that I need to calm down a bit. It's because I'm so happy that I've found a spring in my step, I'm alive again and I've said it loads of times, it's really difficult for others around me when I'm like this, I'm so full of everything, wanting to make a joke out of everything, time doesn't matter for me, I could work all day and still be as happy as I am right now.

Whilst trying to be more aware of the effects of ME on others it brings home that I'm so unique that it's difficult to place me in any category to be honest. I think it's a strange combination of what I am, where I am and most of all who I am. When all 3 kick in at once in terms of being OK, and I stress OK (I'm not 100% on myself, never have been, never will be), but just a general over 50% on all of them has helped bring me to here, and it can scare people, but the 1 thing I do know is that when I'm like this the clients at work benefit. I can expand more energy on work and do more things than I would do when in a general downer on everything. I'd be quite happy to work every hour of the day, but I know I can't.

Next week I'll be off to Dudley for a couple of days for a meeting. I know that the meeting will be a long one on the Tuesday, but once it's finished I'm hoping to be able to pay homage to Dudley's finest son, Duncan Edwards. I've mentioned him here so many times and yes I've seen the statue, but I just want to go there again see the other memorials to the legend that was Big Dunc. I'll have the energy, maybe not the time, but will I care?? I don't think so.

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