Saturday, July 27, 2013

Mad, Helpful, Ramblings.

Amongst friends, but all alone, someone once wrote and whilst this can be said for how I feel right now, it hasn't been the case till now.

So why now?  I think it's the sense of me, the sense of feeling a bit unsure of my presence.  Yes, I'm off home later and shouldn't worry about this, but I am.  Being in a certain workshop prior to this lunch break has led me to this point.

I don't know why I should, I'm amongst friends, but that workshop has made me feel very alone and it's hurting.  The problem is I just can't vanish, like I wish I could, it would cause issues that one doesn't want right now.  So I'm sat in the quiet space writing essentially a blog post to help me through this afternoon.  Maybe being so secluded has heightened this feeling.  We are in a camp, on the top of a hill, I've also lost track of the days, and don't care, though it will be a shock to be back in reality.

*What?  What would I do if invited back next year to this camp?  I'd have to ask myself some questions, as I don't know how I'd feel.  Why after such a wonderful time is now I feel like this?

This may sound daft, as will most of this entry, but it was one question, towards the end of the session that has left me feeling isolated and also very insecure, and like the intruder in the camp.  How do I feel with this?  I don't know.  Ah a chance, a chance to vanish, should I take it?  I should point out I'm writing this, during lunch and another activity is about to begin, I could use that as cover to leave, but as I said previously that would be wrong.  

Should I also say that this is page two, but the first "What?" was the original start point, but I couldn't find a way to go beyond that.  I now here waffling without saying much, so what comes next?  I don't know a little more time thinking, catching my thoughts and I'm guessing no one here would know I feel here right now, but I should be helping the young people rather than myself. 

I wish to point out this is with a few minor alterations, something I wrote down this afternoon after a workshop had messed me up.  As I wrote it helped calm me down and put a little perspective on things, however it doesn't mean I can't write another blog about it, which is more coherent.

* start of the second page of written text.

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