Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Here's to years 10 to 20...

I seem to have bouts of creativity in here, so I must use them when I can.  I think I've reflected enough on last weekend, so I will try to avoid that, but if I stray I'm sorry.  I'm sitting here wondering what I've got to write about and I guess, it should be that 10 years I was stuck in a hospital bed, not able to get out and not about to get out for another 4 days, with temperatures hitting well into the 90's.  The room I was in was the bottom corner of a quadrant, which trapped the heat, not good when the windows were restricted from opening fully, and being on a drip and not allowed anything by mouth.  By the time I was allowed to have fluids, my mouth was like a the floor of Death Valley.  

If I look back and think how horrible the conditions were, and how I felt in terms of myself was a contradiction, but I can't say I was totally happy, my back was so sore, it was a nightmare I couldn't get comfortable, and when you can't get out of bed to move or even allowed to move in the bed that you are lying in, it made for a horrible time, but I was happy.  Many things I can remember about that week in hospital, the joy, the pain, Robbie Williams, my friends Eden's visit and the crap daytime television, but that's all they are now memories, and I've got them stored away.  

The 10 years following have been up and down and not exactly full of joy or happiness, but that's life isn't it.  I've got on with it, I've coped way better than I would have done under different circumstances, in fact I dare say that had it not been for that week, I'd not be here to write this mail.  Which, whilst not scaring me, does say that it was worth it, and that I made the correct decision.  I may have taken hits along the way from new experiences, even as recently as this weekend gone, but maybe now, fully able to cope with things (I say fully as I'm not distracted as I used to be) better than ever, perhaps a little bit of me is maturing, that's scary.  

So the next 10 years will come and go and I'm sure that I'll be equally reflective and equally as curious about where I'm at and how things have changed me over that time.  Yet, as with every other life changing event you learn from it, you grow stronger, you gain a know how, how to cope with things and deal better later.  It does take time to see that, it takes time to understand that whilst at times things seem pointless, and the despair is great, that some where within everyone is a person capable of blossoming into someone special.  It's taken me long enough to accept that, to accept that I am special, I am unique in my own peculiar way.  I have my niche, and I've found something which I know I'm good at, and something that I enjoy and with them merged together I'm happy.  That was nearly destroyed the confidence in myself shook to it's core a few years back, but slowly it's returning and slowly I'm accepting the above once more.  +

No comments: