Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Second Thoughts

I thought I'd have written more this month, and had intended to, but obviously my output has been slow and so my mood must have been good. I've had nothing to let go with. However, today I realised that I'd no anti-depressants left after the one I took this morning. I knew I had a meeting at 10am, and that the estate agents were due around for an annual flat inspection between 10.30 and 14.30. So I didn't want to miss them, so I haven't been to my doctors to put in a prescription for any more AD's.

It's with some reserve that I sit here writing this entry, I think after more than 3 months on the AD's and the situation that I was in has passed, I'm going to see if I can live without them. Of course I could go and get a new prescription and I did say that I'd give them around 6 months when I went back on them. However, I feel brave, I feel good and want to see where I'm at. Of course I'm having second thoughts about it, I don't want to fall back into the hell hole that I was in back in February and March of this year. I can just about claim to be coming out of the issues that period forged for me. Yet, I feel well enough to press ahead with this idea, and this place may not be visited as often as it has been.

To say that this place hasn't helped is an understatement, as without the help of my friends, whom have been mentioned on numerous occasions, whom have been thanked more times than I've had hot dinners, the support of other people and this place I woudln't be around for sure. Having a place to express my feelings, to have a place where I had to think about how to express them, which meant that I couldn't hurt anyone by aiming anything at them, helped me so much. Whilst the content is dwelling in me as it is right now, the need to write, the need to express myself is weak, but the occasions I do write I do so out of compulsion almost. A need to convey my feelings to one and all, when perhaps I should be telling an individual something.

I guess that this place is like a secret room for me, to tell the world how I feel, what I want and why. A place where I can be free to say things that I couldn't say face to face or where I won't offend anyone, hurt anyone or try not to favour one person more than others. I hate turning to the same people over and over, occasionally I like to write out loud to let the world to know. This place is that vehicle for me, and so it helps. We'll see over the next few weeks or so, if I need to revisit my notion that I don't need the AD's right now, and I may need to use this place frequently again to rid myself of anything that's troubling me, but the stats will show me what I need to know, the things I write will show me what I need to know. Perhaps I'll listen sooner the next time.

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