Sunday, January 14, 2007

How Can It Be?

Well near enough 2 weeks into this year and I'm on the threshold of a drop into depression. Now that isn't unusual in many ways, I had a reasonable time over Christmas and New Year, when on most other years I fall around then into the abyss. However last year was different, I don't know why, but right now it feels bad.

Let's look at why this is? I look at myself and what do I see, well right now, I'm not sure. I'm contented, OK so I'm struggling to make my hair do what I want it to do. That's small, but it's important if you know what I mean. My appearance is important to me, and that's a vital part that's falling apart. It's not that I don't like my hair, as I've had it cut recently, it's just getting it back to where it was when it was cut. So take 10% from where I was around Christmas, with that. Then this weekend, I was hoping to catch up with Lisa, but that didn't happen. That's the big killer right now. I understand she's got other things to do when she comes up, but when not to even get a text message or a phone call to say, it's going to be difficult to meet up then I get upset. I've not had an email for over a week, which is strange. That's taken probably around 45% off the Christmas mark. Then, to make matters worse I guess twice this past week, whilst I've been on holiday work have called with regards me working. Not that it would make a difference to me, but that's still not nice when on my holidays. It's taken about 15% off me, so that leaves me with around 30%.

30% is an alright number, but any less and I start to crash. I can see the wall in front of me, and to be honest with you all, I would love to be able to walk away from here and what I'm doing and leave it all behind. I would love to make people panic and get people trying to find me. I could do it, I know where to go, but then I know myself, I know I couldn't do it. I'm too weak and that's the killer. You know what would do me, is that if I did walk the one person who would get me take my guard down would be Amelia. If they were to panic and that's a big IF as nobody would really notice I'd gone, I think I could ignore everyone, but Amelia would be different, and she'd be the person to catch me out.

Why though? Why do I let everything get to me?? Am I that desperate for friendship or comanionship? I'm not sure, but it takes one little thing to knock me off my stride and take me back to the start. It's not fair, it's not as if I've been bad at all, in fact I've tried to do my best over the past few months and haven't even considered being in this spot till now. WHY? WHY? WHY?

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