Thursday, August 04, 2011

Ain't Doing Nothing

7 days on since I blew the fuse last week and how am I feeling? Well not good today, I'm better than I was and I've put the events of last week to bed almost. I've stuck to my plan of not putting anything on twitter and effectively going dark on it. I've made a few comments and shared a few pages, but that's about it.

However, today what's set me off today? Well it's one of the bug bears of my life, my appearance. I just can't accept the way I look, I'm horrible and nothing I do seems to make it better, I try to do things, change things, but it never works. I'm not in a big down mode, not in the sort of mode to do anything stupid, though I am weary right now that this is two Thursday's in a row where I've got myself down, and that's me being honest, in that I do think I've got myself into this position, it's only me, no one has said or done anything today. I've had no one leave me any messages on facebook or attempt to chat to me via that medium, or any other instant messaging service. I've had no text messages on the phone, the only people I've spoken to have been shop assistants this at 8am this morning when I went shopping.

I guess my mental picture doesn't match the one I've got physically and with being so isolated, so financially exposed I'm in a horrible position in terms of self perception. I've got nothing in my wardrobe that I like, I've got no shoes/trainers that I really like they are all practical items, but horrible and do nothing for me. My face, my height, my weight and anything else anyone can care to think of doesn't work. Since I've stopped working I've become even more of a recluse than I was before hand, but I think it's for the best. I can only joke about my looks for so long. I can't ever recall, anyone giving me praise over anything like that ever, that hurts.

It hurts to be alone, but I'm alone because of who I am and how I am, and so the confidence to change that comes from going out and making an effort, but even doing that doesn't work and I've no money to do so anyway. It's here that I am writing it's flowing from me, obviously I'm hurting and I need to put this out. It's also here that I'm slowly turning the screw upon myself and that by the time I finish this blog, I'll be considerably more depressed than when I started. Yes, it will do me good to get things out in the open, but it's going to hurt like hell. No matter how many AD's I take, or anything else for that matter changes how I feel about myself. I guess it never will. I sit down on the occasions I do go out and I'm jealous of so many people, who get away with it all, or are just happy with who they are, and how they look. Yet me, I'm screaming that I want to be that way, but have never had the chance to.

So thank you my so called biological family, I really don't care if you read this, you screwed my life to shit, and made it so. I don't care about you any more, as you obviously don't care about me. Well tough shit you've helped to ruin me, and I blame you, but your actions will be paid back soon, very soon. If you want to fight so be it, I can do it and I'll do it my way, and then lets see what transpires. Yes, you'll make things worse for me, but again I don't care, I don't see my neice any where near as much as I used to, she's growing up fast, she can make her own choices now. Oh hell, I'm really am falling and this is not good, my safety nets are catching me, but boy what a fall this has been and it started out like a small trip on a paving stone in the street. Do I need to consider the AD's? Not yet, this will possibly pass, I hope it does, but till then apart from the times I need to go out, and swimming I ain't doing nothing as I ain't got nothing to wear, and don't have a big enough brown bag to cover my face.

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