Hurdles

You know I couldn't remember writing in here this month, and yet I'd last posted on the 4th. Does that mean that I've been so busy I've forgot about it or that I've had so little to do that trying to recall what I've done is hard? I don't know however, it does mean that I've posted something even if I've not read it before starting to write this entry.

Well things haven't changed that much of late, but while I look at where I am, I think I've progressed some how. I think and this is just me, I have caught my own fall down the hole that is depression, without having to use any medication to pull me back. I'm climbing back up, though it was only a small fall, I spotted it early and threw out a safety net. I think I've pushed people away from me again, which isn't nice, it isn't pleasing to hear, but what can I do?

That's something that bothers me, why do people feel that I'm pushing them away? I don't do that? I resort back to type I know, I become more proactive rather than thinking in what I say, and whilst I shoot from the hip, half the time I do so I do in jest. Now that's the way I am, when I'm stable, I think about what I'm going to say, yes it's shot from the hip, but there is some thought to it, and so why do people think that I'm pushing them away when I'm not thinking about it? Is it offensive? I don't think I am, am I defensive towards myself? I wouldn't say so in one respect. I do build walls up when I'm down, which I guess does isolate myself, but it's not external to myself, in that there is a wall around everyone, we all have them, just that when I'm down, I tend to build a second, inner wall to protect me from what ever is causing my issues. Which more often than not is loneliness. So building a second inner wall perpetuates the mood I'm in, so why do I do that? You know I don't know. Perhpas it's some sort of security blanket I don't know, but perhaps by putting extra barriers up, it looks like I'm pushing people away, when all I want is for them to clamber over and them to help me.

That's something to explore at a later date, I'm in a good mood right now, and whilst the pain of the last week of the problems in terms of public disorder in London, Manchester and Salford, is healing, The reasons as to why are in need to be explored by others. I'm sure the populus of the land and the world have there own thoughts and idea's as to why everything exploded, and I'm sure that when the official reports are published they'll probably claim that it wasn't political, as I'm sure the government will influence them, to avoid having to take any blame and further ailentate themselves from the voting public than they already have.

On a brighter note, the football season is upon us, United play there first game of the league season today, and so starts another 9 month season, which will be full of ups, down's and everything inbetween. It is remarkable how a game involving the kicking of a bag wind is so enthralling. I wish I knew why it was so popular, and take that and create my own sport and make my fortune promoting it..