Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I am who I am.

Here I am again, not 100% sure of what my feelings are tonight. Whilst being happy, I'm also a little melacholny and also a bit angry at things. I want to cry, I want to laugh, I want to scream and shout, but then I stop, I take a breath and realise that none of these things will help me, as I'm not upset enough to cry, I'm not angry enough scream and shout and nothing is making me laugh.

So what do I do? I sit here and I type, I type away trying to explain the mixture of emotions and trying to figure out why I feel the way I do and yet am the way I am. I guess that would only be a repeat of many a post for some and for me as well, diverting around the topic, or creating new images and new answers to delude myself with. I guess this is who I am, I can't change that, and no matter how much I want or try it always repeats itself.

That's quite a bit of work in here dismissed, but I guess that when I study myself, my moods and my emotions, I possibly delude myself into thinking that I can work on the stuff that I find, and have written about and I do indeed do that work. I can't always say that it works out 100%, if it did would the recent bout of depression have taken place? No it wouldn't and so I have to accept that I am who I am. I can change things on the surface, I can change things just below the surface, and I can attack the core, but if I changed to much I might become and totally different person and that person may lose friends, and whilst I've lost friends in the past and I guess that's part of the reason why I'm feeling sad, I wouldn't want to lose all my friends, because I've changed too much.

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