The need to write isn't great, but the need to do something other than nothing to kick me out of the flunk that I find myself in is a must. I may have left this place alone for a long time and I regret that, especially as I'll be off to Canada soon and hopefully will have lots of tales of great hikes and plenty of pictures.
However with just over 2 weeks till I fly out, I find myself in a mini rut, and I need to try and wonder why? I need to brainstorm what's the issue. I've no idea if I'm honest, I've tried to think about why I'm so flat, so listless at this point and there is no reason to be. I'm not short of money, I've been saving like mad, to give myself some spending money in Canada, so I've got money and whilst that's meant that I've lived quite basically of late, it's no different to how I'd be living normally is it? So what else? Am I going out and having a social life? Yes, I've been out, I've been social and am happy enough, it could be better, but then it could always be better I guess. I've been out other than to the youth group etc. So that isn't it!!
Whilst typing as is always the case another idea is that perhaps with all the holiday stuff I've been doing and expecting something to go wrong or just to getting to this point I've put a lot of effort in to get things to work and to get myself into a position to say it's going ahead and will be fine. Perhaps, and it's a perhaps I've just exhausted myself, and need to come down a peg or two to sort myself out and re-charge my batteries. Though saying that I may have subconsciously blighted myself, as yesterday I walked up to Swinton to do some shopping for some items that I'd been planning on getting for a while. It was the first walk of length I'd done for a short while.
Now recently my breathing has been great, I've hardly if at all needed the inhalers, so I went up to Swinton, on a hot day without any inhalers, and subsequently once in the shop I wanted to go in, realised that I needed at least one of my inhalers. Have I slapped myself across the face into thinking that everything was good and that perhaps some of my plans for the holiday may be beyond me? Is that worrying me? I hadn't thought about that, but some where in the deepest part of the mind have I flunked myself into this position?
I really don't know, but this isn't the time for me to be feeling like this, I need to be in a good place for others right now, and is it a combination of the above and knowing where I need to be that is causing me to stress myself to be in this position? I know this isn't really helping me as I keep finding other avenues to explore to try and solve this swing. It isn't major I'm sure that I'll be fine soon, and the crazy think is, for an issue with my neck I'm on anti depressants, so they shouldn't be sending me to a down spiral, especially as I've been on such a high over the past few months. Again though a crash after such a prolonged high is to be expected of any variety.
Reading the above or should I say scanning the above sort of scares me as it's a typical few seconds of my mind described in a few words. Who knows what's going to kick me back into the land of the real life. I perhaps should buy some chocolate or wine later on when I pop to the shops. Something for me, a treat of some sort as I've not done that for a while. The problem with wine of course is the morning after, which I know I don't normally get, but you can bet your life should I get wine will arrive tomorrow when I'm due to take part in the Manchester Day Parade. It wouldn't be the best start to a day where I'll become an ice cream. I know it's strange concept, but that's Manchester for you.