Cascading

A lighter, more relaxed mood has befallen me of late, I'm calming down after the break down of a week or so.  I can't quite grasp the sheer depth to which I fell, but who cares now, I'm floating along on the calm waters of life.  I use that analogy today as the weather is dreadful, it's shocking, it's not stopped raining since around 6 or 7pm last night.  It has been cascading down, with 28 flood alerts in the North West region due to what we are told could be up to 4mm of rain over the next 2 days.  However, I managed to get to the shops and come home bone dry this afternoon, how I didn't it I don't know but I did.  

Whilst not reclusing as I did this time last week, I've kept myself to myself very much this week and it's been to my advantage I guess, just trundling along and keeping myself busy till now. I say now, as I'm frieghtfully bored today, and it's dragging on and on.  

My water heater has blown again, so I've got no hot water again, which isn't good.  It went last November/December if I recall and ended up with a new heater, but that has seemingly gone.  Though I think I've also got a leak in the pipes that flow into it, as my carpet was soaked the other day.  I'm not sure if that is connected, but it isn't making things easier for me.  I can and have been coping with like I did previously.  I've made my complaint, and will have to see how long it takes to get picked up.  

This is going to be short, as since starting to write I want to sleep, so perhaps more later.

Short but sweet and sour.

I had intended to write yesterday, but it didn't happen obviously.  I don't know what I would have written, but who cares?  I spent the day being pestered by one person with text messages, which I didn't reply to, and my neice and I had a long text chat as well, which was lovely.  

I'm feeling better thanks, I know what the issue is and whilst things aren't perfect (they never are, for anyone), I'm back in the living, back ready to face the world next week.  I'm going to have to zip to the shops soon, so this isn't going to be a long post.  Then it's back home.  I'm sort of debating if I should go all retro and find something from the 1970's or 80's to watch later, if anyone has a suggestion that would be fun.  However, I'll see how it goes.  

Yesterday I spent chatting as I said and then watched the "Goal" trilogy of films.  I wish I hadn't in many respects they weren't that good, but having started to watch one once, but failed to see it through, and the second one being shown on tv, I felt it time to watch all 3 in one go.  Others are finer critics than I, but the first one was reasonable if not predictable, the second I could just about grasp hold of, the third.....  Well straight to DVD and hardly any links to the previous 2 films says it all really.  I don't think I'd watch them again, nor would I really recommend them to anyone unless you enjoy football, and even then it's a hard sell.  Still it killed off Saturday night, and so it's now Sunday and a new week.  

Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain

 I sit and write once more, with a head that is clearing, with a mood that is starting to be bright once more.  I have some way to recover, I now have a clearer view of what caused my manic drop in mood and slide to the darker side of myself.  I have mentioned them over the course of the last few days, though I suspect that the one thing I didn't mention that took place, added to the situation, or indeed was the spark of it all.  That remains a secret from here, however I will be more careful in the future.  

Over the past 24 hours I have withdrawn from society I took 24 hours of solitude to search what was going on, to talk about it in here, and to figure out in my own mind what was going on, and why I'd dropped as I had.  This isn't me in depression, I realise that, this was me having a very bad few days, I've not been "unhappy", or anything else of late, nothing to make me depressed, so why I fell like I did I don't know.  It isn't the first time of course, and days like that have often led to whole scale depression.  Instead of feeling bad, perhaps today I should be saying how happy I am, I spotted the symptoms and though I couldn't stop the fall into the hole I threw out so many safety nets to stop me hitting the true bottom that I managed to stop the decent.  

To continue the analogy I'm climbing back out of the hole, I'll be back to sanity by late tomorrow, early Sunday.  I can calculate that, which seems strange, but I know in myself that I feel some where near "normal" now, but obviously after such a crash I have to be careful, I've got to take my time, and give myself some space instead of dashing into situations which whilst being helpful, may also pull the safety nets away from me.  So care and caution is being taken.

What am I doing to help myself?  Well, I'm playing the longest, strangest song in my musical collection.  I say strangest, not that they lyrics or content are strange, but that this song can be two things to me.  If I'm down or falling down, this can send me spiralling down even quicker, and the morbid story can cause so many emotions that it's painful.  However, it can in times like now become a song to cheer me up, I don't know why it does this in reverse, but I find it to be a beautiful song when climbing out of the dark hole that I fall into.  I think the story, twists round from being morbid to being a rallying call for me.  The many times I've had this song on repeat, for days on end, let alone hours is many.  It used to scare people to hear this coming from my room, more so when I was at Uni, as they knew that it wasn't always a positive song for me.  I used to get quite a few people knocking on my door to check I was OK.  However on other occasions I've had really odd experiences, in fact one time I'm sure I had a near out of body experience listening to it, I certainly could see myself lying on the bed, with this constantly playing in the background.  I know I wasn't sleeping, and hadn't taken anything, it was quite surreal.  The only other time I'd felt like that was on morphine after I'd had knee surgery.  

So I thank you Jim Morrison, and The Doors for writing such a wonderful song as "The End".  I'm sure I've put the lyrics in here before now, but they go up again today so you can all see them once more. 


This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land
Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah
There's danger on the edge of town
Ride the King's highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby
Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake...he's old, and his skin is cold
The west is the best
The west is the best
Get here, and we'll do the rest
The blue bus is callin' us
The blue bus is callin' us
Driver, where you taken' us
The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and
And he came to a door...and he looked inside
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother...I want to...WAAAAAA
C'mon baby,--------- No "take a chance with us"
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin' a blue rock
On a blue bus
Doin' a blue rock
C'mon, yeah
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill
This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
This is the end

Trusting myself to trust

I've pondered long and hard over the last 3 hours or so, what I should do, whilst trying to escape from the gloom that is casting a long dark shadow over me.  I've watched some tv shows and tried to do some other stuff, but I can't say that I'm making waves to clearing my mind and making myself better as such.  

The complete and stupid thing is that the one thing I feel I need to do, is withdraw from everything, not to post in twitter or facebook, not to post in forums, and try to stay dark.  I know I've posted comments in facebook, but nothing in terms of my state of being for sure.  I've not posted on twitter since last night, and no forum posts since near enough this time yesterday.  I know I'm writing here, but that's cathartic, it helps  as those who have been reading this blog for a while will know, it helps me to write about how I feel, hence the war and peace when I'm down and stupid silly posts when I'm not.  Though I have done good this past year or so, since I came back to writing in here, I've maintained a steady flow of posts in good and bad moods.

Even withdrawing from the seeing/speaking to anyone is currently helping.  I know yesterday was a dreadful day, but I also knew I had to go to the shops and pick something up for my tea.  I got to Morrisons and went looking, and couldn't find a thing, all the discounted stuff had gone, and I didn't fancy pies or pasties.  So I was struggling, even the cold meets were being taken off the display.  I walked from one end of the shop and back about 5 times trying to figure out what to buy, and every time I got nothing, and every time I got increasingly frustrated, and that on top of  of the already bubbling frustration within me was too much.  I broke down in Morrison's for I think would be the second or third time.  I should know to avoid trying to make decisions when I'm in that sort of mood, but it was clear I was struggling.  So I just purchased a french stick and left and thought I'll go to Aldi instead...  Yes, that's right leave one supermarket and go to another.  It was then I realised that it would be closing in 15 minutes, luckily it was only 2 or 3 minutes walk away, and I had a plan for a pizza from the freezer.  However that eventually changed, and I picked up enough stuff to last me the week, but that's beside the point, I had a time limit and so I had no time to choose or get upset.  

So today has been spent doing nothing not speaking, not going out and trying to keep me away from getting down, I guess writing is helping me, but I'm struggling as one of the things that I mentioned in the previous post was communication, and how important it is to me.  I don't want to break my own action plan, but I am finding it hard not to do so.  Also what's interesting, is the family situation.

Yesterday I texted my niece, it was unfair of me to send the text I did, but I sent it none the less, as I hate to bring her into the situation with my mum and sister.  However the increasing silence makes it all the worse. The last time I spoke to my mum or should I say discussed everything, I pointed out it would be nice of her to phone me occasionally, or as much as she does my sister, as that's something she never did, and still doesn't.  The only time she'd ring me is if she wanted something of me.  Which used to be picking up from Bingo, or going around and resetting her tv or video up.  She'd never ask my sister to do these, and she'd make excuses up for my sister.  However, for what ever reason she'd phone my sister.  I don't hear from her now, in fact were I to die in the next hour or 12, no one would probably notice for like days or weeks.  It's that sort of situation, and certainly neither my mother or sister would raise the alarm as they wouldn't ring me or anything.  

Now part of the reason for texting my niece was to sort of kick my mother into action, but hey ho, nothing has happened yet and if she's had the message she's not responding to it, to ask me what they hell I was playing at to involve my niece.  So it doesn't look like she cares at all.  It doesn't shock me, it doesn't suprise me, but it hurts like hell.  As I said in the previous post and in other posts, why does it seem most people have it better than I do?  Why is it, that they get all the luck in that respect.  I've done all I can for my family and yet it's always been thrown back in my face.  I mean I have never been in well paid jobs, as I keep saying and yet why when my mum has a blue badge, and was her main transport, was my sister getting the free car tax??  When I challenged my mum she didn't want to cause a problem and tell my sister she was swapping it over to me.  That's the sort of thing a parent should do... Not mine.  

Yes, I'm wound up, I'm angry, I'm frustrated and miserable.  I should try and go out and be socialable as I had every intention this weekend, but I see no point.  I'll end up hurting myself, first of all on a personal level, and potentially a wider scale, and while I doubt that would happen (I'm sort of beliving in trusting people), it has happened often before so I kind of don't know if I trust myself to trust.