New Mobile

I've slowed down the amount of times I'm posting in here, not deliberately, but I just have and that's strange.  I'm not sure where I'm at with that concept.  Still I'm back and writing once more.  

Well, last Wednesday was interesting to say the least, after all the crap I felt and how heightened it was, I've sort of settled back down some what.  However, it's still in me, I'm not through the mud as you were, I'm still very aware of things.  I'll see how this week goes, see how I cope.  Normally I wouldn't be so aware, but due to the football, and how stressed that's going to make me this week, I guess I've got to observe how I am.  Football stress isn't something that I'd normally include in all my normal stress situations, it's a positive stress, one that I tend to enjoy, however I know that after last week, I'm not in a stable place and need to stabalize quickly.  Those moves are taking place, but adding another stress on may make the recover slower or knock it off course, positive or not.  

So what's new?  Well not a lot really.  Actually there is something new.  After last Wednesday, I knew I needed something to cheer me up, so on Friday I went into Manchester to do some shopping.  Now my budget isn't large and I want for very little to be fair, well I say want for little, I want lots to be honest.  My budget doesn't all me that luxary and thus I limit what I do buy and only when I need to.  However, I had decided to treat myself to a new mobile for my room, I'd not bought one for ages, and so I went to the Bridgewater Hall and found one that I'd been looking at for years if I'm honest.  The best bit was it was on sale and having been expecting to pay up to £20 for it, the £2 price was a hell of a bargin.  I didn't buy myself anything else, though tempted as I was by the array of Oilers caps I found?  That's another story all together, I resisted.  Yet finding the caps, buying the mobile and then playing with the cell phones so I've an idea about what I want when I upgrade this time next week, made Friday a really nice day.  The opposite of Wednesday and a calming influence upon me, perhaps I should should add shopping to the list of things that help me.

This week, is a relatively free week, very little planned.  So what happens happens and what doesn't well that won't matter because because it doesn't happen does it? 

Being Ugly

Over the past few months I've been rather happy, typing away anything and everything, mainly the positive things with a few odd negatives thrown in for good measure.  Today however I sit here with dread at what I'm about to type.  Not that it's bad news or anything, but because of the way I'm feeling and I know it's going to end up with me exploring my own feelings and my ow image, and that can be painful to write.  Well no it isn't painful to write it's rather simple actually, what s painsful is how open I'll be and how when I come to read it back, near to the bone I can get.

Let's be clear, I'm in a good place or I think I am.  However a couple of things this week have perhaps rang a few bells that I need to look at and perhaps I've spotted things early and can address things earlier than the norm, without stumbling into a depressive state.

Today has been a bad day in so many ways, it started off fine, no problems and off to Leigh I went.  It was whilst in Leigh that things started to go bad as such.  I haven't had any issues with the goings on in Leigh for a while, and today was going well to start with, but then I started to notice little things, little errors, that whilst I could handle them, after a while of mentally batttling them, I gave up.  Now that's understandable I guess, but this was way sooner than normal, and I had no real justification to do so either, so I fought it hoping that I'd break through.  However, I couldn't fight it, I didn't break through and I ended up having to stop.  I needed some time to compose myself, I was getting upset, and I knew I needed to stop or else I wouldn't be able to hide how upset I was.  I took a minute and looked at what had been done.  It was then I collapsed.  

I say collapsed, I mean mentally collapsed, I looked in the mirror once, then twice and then broke down.  I think the reaction was due to the little errors whilst only minor they became more than an irritation, and harder to fight.  Seeing how good a job had been done, but what was around that shredded me.  I couldn;t handle it.  It seems never ending the fight to get it done, and it seems like I'm not winning even though I am.  However, I was broken, I couldn't see anything other than failure.  I got myself together, got out of the room and then broke down again, it's been a long time since I've felt like this.  All the joking aside, I have never been "attractive", I know I'm ugly, but I felt uglier than ever this morning and it hurts when I realise that.  Nothing anyone could say would have stopped me thinking that.  

Now I've had some time to sort my head out, it's still not with it totallly, but I realised that on Monday I really didn't have any energy to do anything even though I had a meeting to go to.  I didn't have any desire to attend or participate.  I was amazed that I managed to get through it to be honest.  Thinking about that, and what has happened today, I need to do something about it.  I need to do something different, something to cheer me up.  I don't know what, maybe I should go and buy myself a new mobile, like I've been thinking about.  I have chatted to the shop at the Bridgewater Hall, I've an idea as to what they've got on offer, but having looked at the website, I'm sort of looking at 2 or 3 specific mobiles, I may call back tomorrow and see if they have any of the ones I'm looking at, to siee if they have them in.  If so I can make my mind up, if not I'll have to go with something different....  However, let's see if something goes right for once.  

Saying that I hope something goes right for once isn't fair, I had a rather lucky weekend last weekend, so I shouldn't suggest that things don't go right for me that isn't true. 

Not Guilty.

It's Friday 13th today, it's meant to be an unlucky day and whilst I don't wish to tempt fate, (I'm unlucky enough as it is) so far so good.  I've been out shopping, I've got exactly what I wanted at exactly the price I wanted it and so over the weekend I'm going to have roast pork for the first time in ages and ages.  The local Aldi had reduced some of the joints by 50% this morning, so at a very reasonable price for a rather large joint I'm more than happy.  Now all I have to do is see how many meals I'll get off it.  I'm predicting minimum of 2, probably 3 or 4.  

Yet, in the midst of the joys of my shopping trip on my return I saw something on facebook that sort of got me feeling guilty, and I began to descend into a guilt trip about what I wrote in here the other day.  I'm not saying which that would be unfair and probably would lead me to heaping more guilt upon myself.  However, I stopped myself quite quickly which is unusal for me in that respect.  I don't have to feel guilt on this issue, something has been amiss for a while now and I don't know where it went wrong.  So whilst the timing of my post may not endear me to others, and I can really understand that, I don't regret the post and I wasn't aware of or could have known.  

Will this be something to define today with?  No of course not, I'm aware that it's just port of the chaos that can describe what life is about.  I almost got into a debate on this last night, before backtracking or else it could have been a long night for a few people, and it was never intended to be so.  Still a good long standing tradition was upheld last night as a celebration for someone's service to Barnardo's in Salford ended up in the pub across the road.  The amount of hours, the amount of drinks and great, weird and funny conversations that's led to over the years is way to many to remember and some of the people involved in them are starting to fade from my memory as much I guess there's.  Some of those people I miss dearly, people to whom good friendships were had, and lost.  Well I use the term lost I don't think half the people I'm thinking about I've lost the friendship, more we've moved on and hardly ever see or speak to.  We are all in other circles and it's a shame as some of those friends were some of the best friends and closest friends I'd had.  Still just thinking about some of them and some of the times we had brings a smile to my face.  Puddles, shoes, drink, McDonalds, poor excuses and road trips come to mind, as well as failing badly at trying to find restaurants that served foreign fare in the early 90's that wasn't Indian, Italian, or Chinese.  

So onto today, not quite sure what I've got planned after this perhaps a shower, watch a tv show and then a walk?  I was thinking of going to say hello to someone, but I don't know yet.  I know that it would be a good thing, but who knows?  However, I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't or if I do, I'm on an even keel today.

Bird Fights

I ended up yesterday's post being rather bitter and angry and that isn't me right now.  Well it is sort of, but it isn't if you know what I mean?  If I knew what I meant might be helpful.  Still it was good to write it down and try and make some sense of the whole issue.  However, it's done it's dusted and onto today.

From the hail storms of yesterday to a nice pleasant day today, some light drizzle, but mainly a bright mild day, one good enough to hang my washing out to dry, which when I came back from the laundrette I didn't think would happen.  Still to come this afternoon after this post is a little party as such for someone I've known for a long time now, I guess 15 years as this party is to mark her 15th year as a volunteer at Barnardo's.  I'm looking forward to it, it will get me out of the flat and chatting to people, though I've done that already today, though not much.

My ability to write any quality is either vanishing or as I've said before, when I'm in a good place I write rubbish.  I think I need some anger in my writing which is good, but not good, as my best posts seem to be when I'm down or upset and I don't like being in that position and I'm very frank and open about myself when there.  Now as can be seen by this and other posts I'm shy, and almost reclusive, I don't offer much insight which is good, but I do wish it was the reverse of this, in that I could write when in a good spot and not a darker place.  

I sit typing this, looking into the tree in next door's garden, the leaves are begining to grown and soon it will be very beautiful again.  The thing about the tree this spring more than any other spring I've sat and watched it go from bare branches to a leaf laden tree, is the amount of birds either fighting or performing some mating dance.  It's been almost daily now for the last 2 or 3 weeks.  It's very interesting watching them, be it the smaller birds that I have no idea what they are, pigeons or magpies.  It's facinating to say the least and interesting.  

With that I'll start to wind down, I'm going to have a cup of tea, and some ginger biscuits before getting ready and heading off to the party.