Trusting myself to trust

I've pondered long and hard over the last 3 hours or so, what I should do, whilst trying to escape from the gloom that is casting a long dark shadow over me.  I've watched some tv shows and tried to do some other stuff, but I can't say that I'm making waves to clearing my mind and making myself better as such.  

The complete and stupid thing is that the one thing I feel I need to do, is withdraw from everything, not to post in twitter or facebook, not to post in forums, and try to stay dark.  I know I've posted comments in facebook, but nothing in terms of my state of being for sure.  I've not posted on twitter since last night, and no forum posts since near enough this time yesterday.  I know I'm writing here, but that's cathartic, it helps  as those who have been reading this blog for a while will know, it helps me to write about how I feel, hence the war and peace when I'm down and stupid silly posts when I'm not.  Though I have done good this past year or so, since I came back to writing in here, I've maintained a steady flow of posts in good and bad moods.

Even withdrawing from the seeing/speaking to anyone is currently helping.  I know yesterday was a dreadful day, but I also knew I had to go to the shops and pick something up for my tea.  I got to Morrisons and went looking, and couldn't find a thing, all the discounted stuff had gone, and I didn't fancy pies or pasties.  So I was struggling, even the cold meets were being taken off the display.  I walked from one end of the shop and back about 5 times trying to figure out what to buy, and every time I got nothing, and every time I got increasingly frustrated, and that on top of  of the already bubbling frustration within me was too much.  I broke down in Morrison's for I think would be the second or third time.  I should know to avoid trying to make decisions when I'm in that sort of mood, but it was clear I was struggling.  So I just purchased a french stick and left and thought I'll go to Aldi instead...  Yes, that's right leave one supermarket and go to another.  It was then I realised that it would be closing in 15 minutes, luckily it was only 2 or 3 minutes walk away, and I had a plan for a pizza from the freezer.  However that eventually changed, and I picked up enough stuff to last me the week, but that's beside the point, I had a time limit and so I had no time to choose or get upset.  

So today has been spent doing nothing not speaking, not going out and trying to keep me away from getting down, I guess writing is helping me, but I'm struggling as one of the things that I mentioned in the previous post was communication, and how important it is to me.  I don't want to break my own action plan, but I am finding it hard not to do so.  Also what's interesting, is the family situation.

Yesterday I texted my niece, it was unfair of me to send the text I did, but I sent it none the less, as I hate to bring her into the situation with my mum and sister.  However the increasing silence makes it all the worse. The last time I spoke to my mum or should I say discussed everything, I pointed out it would be nice of her to phone me occasionally, or as much as she does my sister, as that's something she never did, and still doesn't.  The only time she'd ring me is if she wanted something of me.  Which used to be picking up from Bingo, or going around and resetting her tv or video up.  She'd never ask my sister to do these, and she'd make excuses up for my sister.  However, for what ever reason she'd phone my sister.  I don't hear from her now, in fact were I to die in the next hour or 12, no one would probably notice for like days or weeks.  It's that sort of situation, and certainly neither my mother or sister would raise the alarm as they wouldn't ring me or anything.  

Now part of the reason for texting my niece was to sort of kick my mother into action, but hey ho, nothing has happened yet and if she's had the message she's not responding to it, to ask me what they hell I was playing at to involve my niece.  So it doesn't look like she cares at all.  It doesn't shock me, it doesn't suprise me, but it hurts like hell.  As I said in the previous post and in other posts, why does it seem most people have it better than I do?  Why is it, that they get all the luck in that respect.  I've done all I can for my family and yet it's always been thrown back in my face.  I mean I have never been in well paid jobs, as I keep saying and yet why when my mum has a blue badge, and was her main transport, was my sister getting the free car tax??  When I challenged my mum she didn't want to cause a problem and tell my sister she was swapping it over to me.  That's the sort of thing a parent should do... Not mine.  

Yes, I'm wound up, I'm angry, I'm frustrated and miserable.  I should try and go out and be socialable as I had every intention this weekend, but I see no point.  I'll end up hurting myself, first of all on a personal level, and potentially a wider scale, and while I doubt that would happen (I'm sort of beliving in trusting people), it has happened often before so I kind of don't know if I trust myself to trust. 

Round and Round the garden

I arrive at this post, slightly apprehensive, slightly nervous in terms of where I'm going to go with this.  I had a really bad day yesterday, and an equally bad night, I dare not say I'm OK, happy and full of the joys of summer, as clearly I am not.  

What caused the melt down?  No stop that, that suggests I'm OK and I am not, what has caused this melt down should be the right phrase?  Can I pinpoint it?  No, I can point to events on Monday after swimming and on my way home, but thta was one little incident which OK it hurt like hell, and I've referenced that in previous posts, but it shouldn't have caused me to spiral out of control into the pit of darkness I am in.  No way, something has to be behind this, I'm not that fragile, I've never been that fragile.  Is it he family situation?  I don't think so, I've come to accept my fate with that, and even though I have tried of late to arrange a meet with my niece which hasn't been a success that alone shouldn't have been the issue.  

So where in the depths of hell has this come from?  I've got to look at where the frustration has built up, or why it's been built up?  What are the frustrations which I voiced so much yesterday, are the the truth behind all of this or is something else deeper rooted that has been triggered and I'm using the points I made yesterday as an excuse??  

Agenda point 1, the social groups that I've joined.  Do I enjoy them?  I enjoy the social aspect of them, I need to be social, or at least to be out of my flat, that is a historical and well documented situation.  These four walls, so small and constrictive, are my prison as I stated yesterday. The lack of friends at close hand, to allow me to pop round to chat, or even the odd phone call makes what should be my flat into a hell hole.  I'm so isolated, that going out is good for me.  Yet is that another issue to explore?  It is indeed, I'll probably come back to this later on in this summary, I need to think about something whilst typing which isn't good as my natural free flow style is stunted and this place doesn't work when I'm constructing the post in advance.  Yes, so I do enjoy going out, I do enjoy being social, but did I join these groups to become a part of organisation or for the social aspect?  Clearly it was the social aspect, but for some reason I've beome part of the organisation.  Why have I allowed that to happen?  Why when I didn't want that to happen have I allowed myself to enter into that situation?  

This is something I need to look at why I didn't want to be involved in the organisations, it could be something about that which is a new issue for me to go away and look at.  What's the issue? Well in times gone by and I guess in the period where I would say I was a bit more extrovert and outgoing, I would possibly look more to being involved in the organisation, I'd be willing to take a posts and join committee's.  In fact I did, and I liked that, but what made it such an appeal then?  Was it the want to be seen, that part of me that wanted to be the centre of attention, that wanted to be seen?  Yet that doesn't equate to the other side of me at that point who didn't want the attention, who wanted to be on the edges as I didn't feel comfortable with being in the middle.  So I'm going to discount that theory for now, and maybe consider if it was the natural part of me that wanted to help.  I think it was you know, I'm a natural helper, I want to help everyone and everything, be it an individual or an organisation, I'm more than willing.  I think that perhaps may be why when I was at work I'd happily do so much cover work/over time.  

That's something that I hadn't considered before, but it links in with the loneliness and the hatred of being alone in my flat all the time.  By being so naturally helpful, I'd be happy to help out others, knowing in it's own way it would be killing time away from my own hell, which would in an odd fashion be helping myself.  However that wasn't or didn't prove to be totally helpful to me did it?  Not that I'm going to grumble and not that I wouldn't do it again, but looking back the amount of times I said yes as opposed to no is huge, and the tanglable hurt that I felt saying no is now understandable, as it was going against my natural being.

Bringing this back to task, why the change?  I recall discussing this last week with a friend, and I know that the only reason I discussed it with her, was that I'd written something in here about how I've gone from outgoing almost extrovert to a shy introvert.  On how I'm not sure which is the real me, and why I've gone from one to the other.  It would be interesting to see how people who meet me now see me, as opposed to those that knew me in the past, and what they say.  If those in the past can see the change I can, or if they just think that with age I've "clamed" down or got a bit quieter, or if those in the present see me now, as I do.  What ever that would bring I don't know, but in terms of joining groups for the social aspect, I think I just wanted the communication, to speak to people, the internet is great from meeting people and talking via the net is wonderful, but it's not the same as face to face interaction, you don't get the humour, the emotions, you can't put any inflections on the words typed.  It was that and being out of my flat that drove me I guess.  As I am more introverted, and not wanting to be at the centre of attention as I used to be, not that I ever really enjoyed that, I just wanted to be take part, rather than be part of.  However, on both occasions in the groups I'm talking about I instantly reallsed that I was unique, that I was alone.  

Yesterday I spoke of filling in spaces or something akin to filling in blanks/gaps in the groups remit.  It was that realisation that as soon as I spoke, or suggested anything remotely along the lines of those missing parts, I'd be taken on board.  Then the natural desire to help out kicks in, and I sort of accepted the request I guess to help them out.  So why couldn't I say no?  I could in the past and though it hurt me to do so, I did it. It's taken me all of 30 or 40 seconds to realise why I couldn't say no, and that was because it meant more meetings, more being out of my flat and thus more socialising.  So the loop is complete the thing that I wanted has driven me into the thing that I didn't want.  and thus it becomes a vicious circle.  That's a bit scary, and also an issue that needs looking at.  Why I'm prepared to push myself into difficult positions just for the social aspect of it all.  So what can I do?  Do I resign/leave the groups?  It would curtail some of my social life, and am I prepared to sacrife that?  The question shouldn't be that, it's am I enjoying the groups?  Well, not right now, they seem to be drifting into area's where I didn't want them to go, and I'm helpless to stop them.  I perhaps answered myself on this question when discussing it with someone else yesterday.  I'm sort of feeling isolated within the groups, I'm on my own, I can't discuss anything with the others as they've no grasp of where I'm at.  Haven't I just been here though, that's the reason why I felt obliged to help in the first place.  So another circle is formed, and unless I can break it, I'm going to be stuck in them.  

Agenda point 2, Me, I mentioned the incident after swimming, both today and yesterday.  I think it knocked me some what due to the intent more than anything else.  I normally brush off those sort of comments, so why on Monday?  I don't know why to be honest.  Maybe, and just maybe because of the fact I'd been swimming.  I don't know, however during the swim, I went to the toilet, and whilst getting ready to go back in the water, in the toilets I noticed myself in the mirror.  I winced, as I felt I looked awful, and fat.  I normally don't think that, but this time I did, so some where inside me, I had issues over my appearance.  I know how I look, I know that it can be said I don't try, but I do, but I'm so conscious about certain things, and yes that goes back to cost, and even when working I realistically couldn't afford that anyway.  That it's almost pointless to try harder.  Yet, even when I have, no one has ever said don't do this, do that, this looks good this doesn't.  Everyone else seemingly looks great, they'll have issues, but those I see on a regular basis look great and have no issues, or none that I can see.  That is probably why I really torture myself on how I look.  Yet, I've been OK of late, I've not even thoguht about it, so why now?  Why am I really going nuts over it? When it hasn't been an issue of late.  That I can't tell you, it's hit me like a ton of bricks and that isn't nice, I just wish I could put my head in a brown paper bag and go out like that.  Life would be so much better living behind somethng like that, others wouldn't be able to pass comment or make judgements then.  

This links in with the social aspect of my issues, as the more I go out the more concious I am of myself and the desire to stay in and not do anything increases, thus I do that, I retreat from everything and hey I go stir crazy, end up with cabin fever and as we saw last March on the brink of contemplating suicide and self harm.  I don't wish to go down that road again, but I know that I will between now and the end of my life.  I keep saying that and yet I keep returning.  It isn't something that I'm proud of and it's something I wish I could stop, but I guess it's all part of me.  So how do I win? How do I go out, whilst not becoming wonderfully aware of how awful I look, how fat I am, how the lack of money restricts one's wardrobe?  and still enjoy one's self?  That's the billion dollar question that I guess I'm trying to answer, but I don't think I can.  I've tried groups where people should be understanding and they are, but then my own paranoia kicks in and drives me crazy, whilst going to other groups with less understanding, though with lots of understanding, has led me to the first issues.  What do I do?  I can't win?  I never win and that's not a nice feeling to think I'll never win.  It's like trying to climb to the top of Everest, whilst using a stair climbing machine, no matter how may stairs you climb you just don't move.  So what do I need to do?  Move forward?  

I'm not sure what to say really, my self esteem and confidence are never high, I don't think they ever have been, in the past or future.  There are some words, one ever hears, and occasionally I would like to hear them genuinely. No how to put it?  In the correct context, I can hear them in other context, but not quite in the way that I guess I want them.  You know I mentioned about being alone?  The isolation, well that's something that plays a part in all of this.  it's just so much of a killer, and it does interwine with it all.  Life is so dam complicated all the issues seemingly bleed into one.  I thought I'd solved my problems years ago, but instead life has opened up even more since and I have no skills to help me solve them.  I know I've said this before, but I had a definable excuse and reason for so long that perhaps I ignored all the other crap and whilst I'm getting better as I get older at dealing with these issues, when they hit it's like a steam train.  It's like being hit with issues as a teenager all over again, and having no idea how to deal with them.  I know it could be said that's a good analogy, but it's one I really hate, as I do think that I'm quite good at dealing with things, I have a whole range of coping mechanisms, so why do I always fail?  

This post is getting bigger and bigger, and I know I could go on, I guess that I should go back and explore the family situation, but if I start getting onto that, which I know I've messed up yesterday, as I'm not sure if I'll get a phone call or something later today.  It will be interesting to see if I do, if not then I do truely believe that I've been as good as excomunicated from my family.  Of course that would hurt and isn't what I want to find out in my current mood, but I have set this up and I've got to accept what my actions bring upon me. 

Families are Shit

Writing earlier on this afternoon I spoke of how I felt, that is no different now, but I need to write I nned to do something other than the norm.  I don't think I expressed my concerns about the groups well enough.  It is only 2 of the groups that I feel really upset with a third one I'm very much doubting my own abilities to be a part of.  

The 2 groups with whom I'm upset are the latest ones I've joined and I want them to be a success, but so far neither have seemingly progressed or have they done anything to suggest that anything that I've said has been listened to.  I didn't join either of them to be end up help running the group, but on one I'm a committe member and another well it looks like I've got to take a role on, when he go for an EGM next month.  Even the person who is supposed to be supporting this group doesn't understand or listen to terminology they are informed of from me.  I just feel that it's pointless being part of said groups.  I don't see myself getting anything out of them positively, just stress and also being the lumbered with responsibilites for areas, because of who I am.  I know it's going to happen and no matter how much I plead for a push it isn't going to be the case.  

It really angers me, frustrates me that as much as I hang back and not volunteer for these things I have ended up in this position.  I end up feeling like I can't say no, as the situation is clear that they can not constitute calling themselves what they do, as they don't cover the whole spectrum.  In doing that I end up not walking away from it and look where that has gotten me.  

Add to that this sudden bout of self image problems.  I really hate some people, you make an effort, you do your best and they deliberately undermine you, they do it repeatedly knowing what they are doing and it hurts, and it hurts so muh, but you walk away, you leave it behind and put it behind you.  Then however, you see others, who don't have that problem, who have friends at hand, who don't live cocooned in there own flat, which is smaller than a prison cell.  It magnifies everything to me, and down in the middle of it all is the hatred of mefrom my mother and my sister that cuts me to the bone.  I can't do a thing about that, and no matter what I do or say to either of them, it will do no good.  I get the feeling that the only way around that would be to pay them money to like me, and even then it would have to be a hell of a lot of money to gain a crumb of respect.  That hurts, that has always hurt and it hasn't helped me either, and it's left me in the horrible place I exist in today.  I blame myself yes, I can't blame them, as it's me that see's, it's me that breathes and it's me that does everything for me, but if I could have been afforded something from them, then it would have been nice you know, but no they ignore me and wish I wasn't around.   

No wonder then that I have these issues, these spells of complete and utter hatred for myself and life.  I don't know where to go. I know what I would want, but I know what I need, but it ain't going to happen and god I hate this.

Despondent

It's the middle of June, out of my window I see nothing but green trees and grey clouds, and that sort of sums up where I am in terms of my mood right now.  I'm having one of my days, where I want to be where I'm not, doing what I can't (or what I'm not rather than can't), being me.  Yet, I'm sort of happy, with everything, so whilst the grey clouds mingle around inside my head, the tree's are what they should be green and joyous.

So what is it today?  I guess that I'm feeling frustrated, that things are as they are, that things have turned out the way they have and that in the midst of all the effort one puts in, I do put effort in, everyone else, everything else benefits and I find myself rooted to the spot.  It's the same old situation that's got me asking myself why do I bother and if I just shouldn't pull away.  However, pulling away wouldn't help, it would make things worse.

Why would it make it worse?  Were I to pull away and retreat into another self imposed exile from all groups as such, my social life would be zero, I'd be stuck in my flat, doing nothing and thinking of nothing most of the time.  The last time that happened, or should I say the last time I let myself get that bad, ended up in some of the most painful posts in this blog, I ended up so depressed that the light went out, it nearly went out for good as well.  and that scares me a little.  However, with the way things are going in one or two groups, and I don't wish to name them, I just feel like I'm a token, and that whilst I want to be there, I'm not contributing nor am I being listened to.  That infuriates me, it angers me, and frustrates me.  Though it pushes me to try harder to be heard, and to learn, it doesn't seem to help one bit and I drift into a position where I can't see the point as to why I attend the groups and what I add to them.

Add to this, a bout of self loathing, self pity and general dislike of all things physical about myself, and it's not a great position.  I'm feeling fat, I see fat when I look in mirrors.  I see ugly and no, no one can say it's not so.  I just look and feel like crap.  To hark back to the sporting theme of yesterday, and for the sport lovers who read this, you'll understand this statement, I know that I'd push Iain Dowie and Peter Beardsley into second and third place in any looks competition.  It may sound funny, it may be something I say alot about myself, but it doesn't mean that I don't get upset by it.  

No matter what I do or try to do, nothing will change, nothing is going to change.  These small four walls which I hate, which are my prison will probably be my home from now till when ever, I'll be locked away growing old on my own, feeling ever more sorry for myself and living a desondent life.  I feel, look and am shit, it's how I am, and no matter how much anyone will try to say otherwise it ain't going to help.  There is no one around to give me a hug when I need one, there is no one around to say anything encouraging.  All I've got are the four walls, a computer that's in need of replacing, no money to do so and no hope of finding a job to save up to do so.  I'm not sure why it is then that I want to carry on, or why I do carry on.  All my efforts seem to gain rewards for others or others take the rewards from me, but I continue to allow everyone trample over me as if I enjoy it.  I guess that's the way I've become, but I hate it.