It's 4 years ago today since my dad died, it's around 4 years ago to the minute that I got the phone call from my mum to say that I should get down to the hospital as fast as I can. I think I did 2 or 3 miles in just over 18 minutes, but it was all in vain. By the time I got to the hospital my dad had died. I blame myself for his death, I know that one or two others blame me for his death, but as time goes by I am slowly taking that blame away from me.
I miss my dad, I miss our arguements, I miss his humour. I want him back, even if it is for just 10 or 15 minutes, just tell him I'm sorry, I'm sorry for all the heartache I caused him, I'd tell him how much I'd loved him, and most of all to thank him for being such a wonderful dad. I never got round to telling him that. That I guess is what hurts more than anything, was not being able to tell him everything I wanted to tell him.
I wanted to use the diary entry I made on the day of his funeral here today, but I just couldn't get it to paste. I'm sure that if I was a bit more computer savvy I'd be able to do so, but it's powerful stuff that post, and reading it now sends me into floods of tears, I doubt I'll ever be able to prevent that, it's such a vivid description of how this day 4 years ago panned out.
As a show of respect to dad, this post is in red. He was proud to be from Salford, he was proud to be from Lancashire. Both of these, Salford being his home city like mine, and Lancashire his home county are associated with the colour red. His favourtie soccer team played in red, like him I'm as deep rooted red as could be.
Dad where ever you are, I'm sorry, I love you and I miss you.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Monday, June 27, 2005
Here we are again
It's the start of a week I dread to think about. Work see's us start planning for our playscheme's which is going to be hard work. Whilst assisting in the past has been ok, and often difficult, this time I'm doing it for myself and not someone else. I don't know what to expect really. I've got my cousin's funeral to go too tomorrow afternoon. Funeral's are never fun, more so if it's a family funeral, plus I think it's the first funeral of someone younger than myself, it's a tough one. Then to cap everything off, this Thursday is the 4th anniversary of my dad's death. I miss him so much. I think that come Thursday I may post the full or edited version of my diary entry for that day, in my pc diary that I was keeping around that time.
So if my post's become odder and odder during this week, or more indepth then you've got an idea as to why it's happened this week.
Short, sweet and swift is today's post.
So if my post's become odder and odder during this week, or more indepth then you've got an idea as to why it's happened this week.
Short, sweet and swift is today's post.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Open mind
Well after the reasonable weather of the past couple of days, I say reasonable, Friday was dreadful in terms of rain and in certain parts of the country floods. This of course was in sharp contrast to seriously hot weather of the previous days. Today seems to be a return to the better weather, and promises to be a real hot day, a day of rest and leisure for some of us.
To side step into yesterday's post, and in a way very much along the same theme of open and closed, I'm opening and closing my musical tastes at this point also. I'm very much of the mind that if I like something then I'll go listen to something of that band. Now for some reason, I'm listening to even more obscure music and enjoying so much more right now. Why would I like Bossa Nova going straight into nu-metal and enjoying both. It's great, the wide and diverse range of music may not be everyone's cup of tea, but it's certainly fun. I'm loving listening to Glastonbury festival, which I now wish I was at, apart from that where the flooding was this Friday.
It's now only 4 or 5 weeks before the start of Playscheme's which will be the most intense and most fun part of my working year. Although this year I'm taking it from an alternative stance in terms of being the one officially running the scheme's I'm still planning on letting it be a fun scheme. I see no reason why we should have fun, though of course the fun aspect has to be placed side by side with safety. I'm excited rather than nervous about this right now.......
This isn't going to be some war and peace novel today, I'm not in writing mood. I should be, as I'm full of many thoughts, but not in the writing mode. Life isn't always about, writing how you feel, it's about living how ya feel.
To side step into yesterday's post, and in a way very much along the same theme of open and closed, I'm opening and closing my musical tastes at this point also. I'm very much of the mind that if I like something then I'll go listen to something of that band. Now for some reason, I'm listening to even more obscure music and enjoying so much more right now. Why would I like Bossa Nova going straight into nu-metal and enjoying both. It's great, the wide and diverse range of music may not be everyone's cup of tea, but it's certainly fun. I'm loving listening to Glastonbury festival, which I now wish I was at, apart from that where the flooding was this Friday.
It's now only 4 or 5 weeks before the start of Playscheme's which will be the most intense and most fun part of my working year. Although this year I'm taking it from an alternative stance in terms of being the one officially running the scheme's I'm still planning on letting it be a fun scheme. I see no reason why we should have fun, though of course the fun aspect has to be placed side by side with safety. I'm excited rather than nervous about this right now.......
This isn't going to be some war and peace novel today, I'm not in writing mood. I should be, as I'm full of many thoughts, but not in the writing mode. Life isn't always about, writing how you feel, it's about living how ya feel.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Open and closed
It seems that I'm becoming more and more open to the world, yet at the same time shutting the shutters down even firmer on others. I don't know why? Maybe it's the wanting of acceptance, and relationships? I don't really know, but I do know that I would like to think I can be open and honest to the world, without them ever being against me for that. I know it's never going to happen and I've got a long way to go till I can accept the world for what it is, rather than they accepting me.
This is the sister post to yesterdays blog, or it's started off that way. To be open and honest in this world is a great achivement, and only the strong can do that and still be comfortable and achieve what they want. The weak amongst us can't be open and honest. We'd be eaten alive. If you put me in a room with 100 people and we had 4 corners, I'd suggest that only 6 or 7 would be me in my corner while the others would be spread evenly. 6 or 7 people out of 100 is shocking really, but that's reality. I can't deal with the torrent of dislike the other 90+ would throw at me, I'd have to leave the room. Compare that to the strong person and they'd take an even share of the 100 people, if not more.
How do you become strong? For one you have to entrust yourself for who you are, by that you have to have a high regard for yourself, confident about yourself and self assured. Neither of these am I, and no matter how hard I try it never improves. It seems crazy that no matter how much effort I put in and even others it takes a slight push to send the walls tumbling down. Once that is in place, you have to solidify it, and create a history of being assuired and comfortable. That way it gives a steady backing for the new people you meet, gain the extra few people to the 6 or 7. That though is the easy part it's maintaining that over a period of time, which is harder, as the longer you maintain that confidence the more ingrained in you it becomes, till it's naturally yours to keep. You then step up another level till ultimately you are strong enough to share an even percentage of the 100 people.
Practising what I preach though has never worked for me, I fail myself in that as I said yesterday I set such standards in terms of friendships that I don't let the personal barriers down, which pushes people away instead of attracting them to me. To bring down the barriers though requires confidence and everything that I menetion above. Vicious circle's of coruse, and one I wish to break, but if I break it, will I run into another such has been a case for most of my life. It's crazy of course to think that everything I do is a vicious circle, it isn't. Yet it does feel like that most of the time.
Searching the inner self though proves that maybe for me the search for improvement is impossible. If I look into my inner self, all I see is negative about myself, one which has been built up over years by myself more than others. Some have added there opinions in there, but mainly it's all mime. If I say right now that I'm ugly it's because that's how I see myself. I can't see myelf ever entrering into a long term sexual relationship, I can't see me ever having a job that pays well, I'll always be on the breadline. I'll die poor, while others around me will prosper. It's always the case, and it just continues to prove itself right. Why should I bother at all with it. Nothing new ever comes around to dispell this theory.
People say I'm a wonderful person, but it's all well and good saying that, but then in terms of showing me any evidence they just say how I've helped them or others or the job I do. My job and helping others is what I was born to do. In terms of value to society, yes I've given more than most in my short life, but that doesn't mean that I see it as anything other than insignificant. I do things that are natural for me, it's natural to put my problems aside to help others.
The dark dark recess that is inside me probably adds to the outer person more than it should, but it won't effect my job, I've learnt how to deal with that problem and yes it can seem to others that I'm unfit to work, but I know from experience that I can put my problems to the other side while working.
This crazy thing that I call life is an oddity, where pain is close to pleasure most of the time. I would like to swap it, I'd like it to be different, different from birth, but then had it been that way, who'd to say my friendship with Lisa would have evolved, who'd to say that I'd be writing here? It's crazy, I'd go back and start all over again if I could maintain a few certain things in life.
This is the sister post to yesterdays blog, or it's started off that way. To be open and honest in this world is a great achivement, and only the strong can do that and still be comfortable and achieve what they want. The weak amongst us can't be open and honest. We'd be eaten alive. If you put me in a room with 100 people and we had 4 corners, I'd suggest that only 6 or 7 would be me in my corner while the others would be spread evenly. 6 or 7 people out of 100 is shocking really, but that's reality. I can't deal with the torrent of dislike the other 90+ would throw at me, I'd have to leave the room. Compare that to the strong person and they'd take an even share of the 100 people, if not more.
How do you become strong? For one you have to entrust yourself for who you are, by that you have to have a high regard for yourself, confident about yourself and self assured. Neither of these am I, and no matter how hard I try it never improves. It seems crazy that no matter how much effort I put in and even others it takes a slight push to send the walls tumbling down. Once that is in place, you have to solidify it, and create a history of being assuired and comfortable. That way it gives a steady backing for the new people you meet, gain the extra few people to the 6 or 7. That though is the easy part it's maintaining that over a period of time, which is harder, as the longer you maintain that confidence the more ingrained in you it becomes, till it's naturally yours to keep. You then step up another level till ultimately you are strong enough to share an even percentage of the 100 people.
Practising what I preach though has never worked for me, I fail myself in that as I said yesterday I set such standards in terms of friendships that I don't let the personal barriers down, which pushes people away instead of attracting them to me. To bring down the barriers though requires confidence and everything that I menetion above. Vicious circle's of coruse, and one I wish to break, but if I break it, will I run into another such has been a case for most of my life. It's crazy of course to think that everything I do is a vicious circle, it isn't. Yet it does feel like that most of the time.
Searching the inner self though proves that maybe for me the search for improvement is impossible. If I look into my inner self, all I see is negative about myself, one which has been built up over years by myself more than others. Some have added there opinions in there, but mainly it's all mime. If I say right now that I'm ugly it's because that's how I see myself. I can't see myelf ever entrering into a long term sexual relationship, I can't see me ever having a job that pays well, I'll always be on the breadline. I'll die poor, while others around me will prosper. It's always the case, and it just continues to prove itself right. Why should I bother at all with it. Nothing new ever comes around to dispell this theory.
People say I'm a wonderful person, but it's all well and good saying that, but then in terms of showing me any evidence they just say how I've helped them or others or the job I do. My job and helping others is what I was born to do. In terms of value to society, yes I've given more than most in my short life, but that doesn't mean that I see it as anything other than insignificant. I do things that are natural for me, it's natural to put my problems aside to help others.
The dark dark recess that is inside me probably adds to the outer person more than it should, but it won't effect my job, I've learnt how to deal with that problem and yes it can seem to others that I'm unfit to work, but I know from experience that I can put my problems to the other side while working.
This crazy thing that I call life is an oddity, where pain is close to pleasure most of the time. I would like to swap it, I'd like it to be different, different from birth, but then had it been that way, who'd to say my friendship with Lisa would have evolved, who'd to say that I'd be writing here? It's crazy, I'd go back and start all over again if I could maintain a few certain things in life.
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