Coming Back

It's been a while since I wrote anything about me, about how I am and where I'm at with life and the universe.  I'm not in the of places, far from it, however I've been worse.  I've been worse recently, and I think that's why I'm wanting to write something, to try and rid myself of that, to give me a chance to further my improvement and bring myself back to a point where I can move forward again rather than standing still.

In the past month I actively applied for a job, I say actively, I mean I really went for it, it wasn't a run of the mill application and one that I gave a lot of thought and effort to.  I didn't want to get my hopes up in terms of getting the job, I knew that I would have to be lucky to get it, but it was a post that I could do and felt confident of at least getting an interview, in fact that was what I expected at the least and maximum.  As with my luck, I didn't get an interview, I'm still awaiting a response from the charity as to why I didn't get a interview, but I when I was informed of this I felt crushed.  I felt hopeless that here was a post that suited me, that I could do and I'd failed to get the minimum of what I expected.  After years of looking for what would be a perfect job, I found it and I'd made a mess of it.  I've have an idea where it went wrong, and if that proves to be the reason then I need to sit down and be honest with myself, otherwise I have to really do some work with myself.

The ramifications of the above was a complete loss of confidence in my ability, to do what I've been doing, I suffered this when I left Barnardo's and it took me some time to sort myself out and move on from that.  I really did want to stop all my voluntary work that I am currently doing, I didn't feel that I was contributing to the groups, and even a recent award for being a volunteer on these groups was enough to convince me at that point that I was doing anything worthwhile.  I did something though that I don't think I would have done a good few years back and that was to allow myself some time, time to think, time to let the dust settle, I am happy to say that I've not stopped volunteering.  I still don't know how much I'm contributing; I'm having to really work that out.  What I do know is that by giving up what I'm doing would leave me with little to nothing to do, and I'd feel worse than I did and do now.  I've got to keep doing something, or else I'd let the demons back in. 

With this knowledge what do I do next?  Well I've got to find out what went wrong, and accept my failings.  I've got to work on the failings, but how?  Well perhaps it's asking for help, but in doing that I then feel that I haven't done something myself, which of course is something work wise. I don't know if I should admit that yet, but at some point I'll have to say something and then I could move forward.  Let's see.  I type this on a train to Brighton, I'm about 30 minutes out of the city.  I'm going to a conference, where I've got to take part, but also take notes to write up a report for one of the places I volunteer for.  It's not something I'm looking forward to, but again it's about confidence in my abilities, which right now is very low, and well it's never been high in some ways.  I should clarify, I feel confident in my abilities in the field of work I do, but there are some aspects I don't enjoy, and that's something I need to build on.  If I can do this to a adequate standard I'll be pleased and of course that will further enhance my self-belief and may help me step forward. 

Socially things are possibly better than they have been for many a year right now.  I am out at least once a week volunteering, and often twice a week doing various things.  That's a lot better than it was, and I can live with that. The only problem with my social life, is my weight, I'm becoming very conscious that due to the steroids that I'm taking for my sarcoidosis is making my weight balloon.  I've put on all the weight that I managed to take off over the past 3 or 4 years, and it's killing me.  I wish I could take some of the weight off, but I can't, well not yet.  I will get it back off, and get back down to what it was.   

On The Edge

Life isn't in top health, I'm stressed out and need something to give.  I'm not sure what's going to happen, what I know is that I have caught this quite early in that before I fall I know what I need to do, and so I'll go to the doctors within the next week or so and will get some anti-depressants.  

The thing is though is that I've allowed this to happen, I don't know if I've taken on too much at one point or not?  This started before Christmas and though I didn't realise then, the following weeks have continued the feelings and so now I'm at this point.  

Consumed by irrationality

I looked back on the past year with one of joy, I have even allowed someone to take my joy for this forthcoming year away for themselves, as they deserve it, and it's the only person I would that for.  I've given enough dark thoughts and memories to them, that all my joy is only a small pay back.

However, here I sit in my flat wondering where one of my eternal quirks has come from.  I came to a decision a week or so ago and I planned everything to the nth degree.  It would take some sort of thing for me to do, as it's something that I don't do often, but in the past have for short periods of time felt OK in doing.  The rest of the time I've been totally irrational about it.  I don't know what set me off, even as a young child, I recall having to be forcible restrained just to get through this, and why that was, no one has really explained.  

So then today, I built myself up, had everything sorted and went out. Then I simply couldn't go through a door, all I had to do was open the door and that would be it, but I couldn't even get through the door.  Then the only time I could go through a door, others walked in and I just couldn't stick around and all the old issues that I thought I'd beat woke up.  I really don't know why I do this, its crazy and frustrating, I'll try again tomorrow, but fear tomorrow may be worse.  Which then leaves me with a prolonged period where I won't be able to do this again.  Maybe one day I can conquer this unfathomable behaviour, but I would have thought I'd have done this by now.   

Following.

The world is spinning around as it does always, day follows night and night follows day.  It may be  a new year, but on the whole things are no different.  I'm trying to get through a load of stuff that needs doing, whilst also trying to make sure that I'm not over doing it.  

Whilst I'm not exactly coughing and spluttering everywhere nor am I full of a runny nose, I'm aware that I've got a bit of a cold.  I found to my cost earlier today how much, or how much it's taking out of me when I went for a walk.  Whilst altering my normal route to a variation that I have done before, I forgot that I had a nice hill to climb and yes I got up to the top I could sense my chest tightening up, and so I had to try and regulate my breathing whilst still pushing myself.  Thankfully I had taken a prescription out with me to collect a new inhaler, which aided me right at the tail end of the walk.  I'd taken my inhaler prior to walking, so this was most certainly down to the cold.  I'll go for a far flatter route tomorrow.  

I guess that sort of suggests that I'm going for some sort of fitness thing this year.  Well I want to regain some strength in the legs and lungs and perhaps do the Midnight walk again this year.  I would have done the Manchester Shine, had it not been cancelled last year.  So any idea's of doing a walking marathon are on hold for now.  No, I want to lose a few more pounds for sure, I've been losing for a while, but if I can accelerate that then all the better, I've still got a bit to go before I hit the weight I want to be.  

Something has come up recently that has got me thinking, my niece said something to me, which gives me a entry point to a conversation that I've known I'd have to have with her at some point.  However, I don't want to rush in to that, as it's a hell of an important conversation and one that could hurt me badly.  It's going to take some time and thought to get my words into some form or other, and then I'll go completely off track as ever I'm sure of it.