Update

 I'm back, in a way better position than I was when I last posted in this blog.  My mood is far better than it was and I'm on an even keel as you would say.  I've spent the last few months with a councelor which was very odd over the net, but it helped in that I had to explore myself far deeper than I perhaps would have done under normal circumstances.  

Seeng an councelor online was different as I guess not having the personal interation and allowing your body language to be interpreted and so you could be saying something that you perhaps not being 100% honest about.  As I said above I did find myself looking into things far more than I have at previous sessions though.  So in that sense it was fantastic and helpful, but it just didn't feel right and perhaps not as deep as it may have been.

So I'm back in work in the new team, it's still very new, still very fresh and still in my own entry period and I've yet to really say if I'll actually stay.  Others with whom I've worked with who have recently left are trying to encourage me to look for posts elsewhere, but I don't know if I'm ready for that step yet.  I know it could be asked of me if I'll ever be ready for that, but I'm giving this new team a chance to make work enjoyable again.  Whilst I'm in a better position than I was, that's not to say that my beleif in my abilities have returned, I still don't think I'm very good at my job and so my confidence in me actually getting a new job is low and I don't want to disturb my recovery.  I need to be positive to myself and going for jobs which I know I wouldn't get would only lead me to affirming that I'm not good enough and would lead to a new spiral and I can't afford that right now.  

Other news is that finally my landlord is about to redecorate my flat, and so tomorrow I move out which I'm looking forward to.  It does however mean that I won't have the internet at home for a while, but I've built myself a retro games computer as well as downloading more emulators for my pc, so I can play games at home instead of watching TV or being online.  I'll also be taking my books to read so hopefully I'll get through one of my books that I've got ready to read after this. 

Kidding Myself

Silly games, youtube and something to drink have helped dampen the mind, it's not the greatest cocktail, but it will do.  As I write this though I remember that I don't have a counseling session this coming week.  So this finding of quick sand I find myself in today will have to stick with me for the next couple of weeks.  Hardly the greatest situation I know, but what else can I do.  I want to talk about this rather than writing, but I don't have anyone to talk to.  I don't want to burden my issues upon others and that's such a sad situation to be in.  That though is how I am and I see it as being fair to others.  

If I'm fair to myself, and often I'm not.  Far to often I think I try to kid myself into thinking things, and allowing that to happen.  So lets try and be fair, my life is crap, I'm old, I'm going no where, I'm no good at anything and don't know know what to do if I didn't do what I do.  I'm too negative to even consider going to for jobs as I don't think I'm good enough to get them, I don't think I'm good enough to further my career and I push people away with ease without actually knowing I do it.  I'd like to think that I'm a nice person, but you know what the more I think about it the more I question that, the more I question any notions I have of myself.  

Yet in the midst of all the above feelings, I'm not prepared to do anything silly, well ultimately silly.  I may do silly stuff that puts myself at risk, but that would mean doing something and to be honest I can't be bothered to do anything. 

Errossion

 So a flurry of posts today, not even in the midst of the breakdown earlier this summer or the recent meltdown due to work have I posted as much on a single day like today for a number of years.  I just need to keep posting or writing to try and rid my mind of all the crap that is swirling around in it and hopefully allow it to settle on the page rather than in my mind.  

With so much hatred abound right now, and whilst so little is aimed at me personally, I do feel it however, my community is being attacked and has been for some time.  I don't raise my head to often, but would rather support others that do, and assist others that want to do so..  Remember that post recently about me holding ladders!!!  

It does though get me down, I allow the attacks to sting, the old phrase about death by a thousand paper cuts is never truer than now.  I wish I could shut that off, but I can't, because it's part of my job not to, I need to be aware of what's going on and being said so I can shed an informed light it for others and to enable them to be able to get through this attack unharmed and in a position to carry the torch once those doing so now can not.  

The attacks are tiresome, boring and continuous and that is what wears one down. Big hurtful individual attacks are painful for those that they are directed at, however for myself the attacks just keep coming, they keep coming and coming like waves onto the beach.  They are eroding ones strength and abilities to counter them, for those further up the beach than myself they must feel like King Canute trying to control the tide.  

Don't get me wrong here, as tiring as it is, I and everyone else will not let the those attacking us win, we will continue to fight for ourselves and those who can't.  We will not allow bigotry or hatred win, otherwise once we fall, others will be in the line of fire and so we can't allow them to win and though when we win, apart from within the community, none of those that have led this fight/defence will get much credit, as others won't see what we will have prevented.

Let Down

 I only finished the previous entry less than an hour or so ago I think, I'm not checking.  I'm back however as I sense myself feeling as if I've let people down, I feel that I've certainly let at least one person down.  I didn't want to do that and I feel guilty about it.  I shouldn't of course, because I know they'll tell me I haven't but as with my last entry will I accept that?  No of course not.  

My mind is whirring at the moment, so many what if's, why didn't I do, why didn't I say.  I should let it go the decision has been made and I should move on, but me being me I'm letting it consume me once more.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to go full on down the rabbit hole on this I am aware of things and I know that I've given myself some time to think, though I am considering that once more.  I need to make a closure on this and move on, but how do I do that?  One of the reasons why I'm in the mess I'm in is because of a stupid form that work asked me to fill out.  It broke me during the lock down, and whilst I don't think it was to blame it was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.  Mention of that in the meeting may have triggered me for sure, as I thought I'd seen and heard the last of it for ever and a day, but obviously not.

The situation with my mental health is a factor in why I'm not able to make a closure I'm focusing on the micro details rather than the wider picture.  Do I need time off to recover?  Maybe, but that I fear would make me worse, one of the things that lock down did was crush me through lack of contact with anyone, being on the sick will double down on that situation and would send me over the edge for sure.  I don't want to go into that situation again.  I'm also conscious about the fact I've had so much time off due to my surgery last year that my sick pay situation would be difficult for me and of course the amount of time off then counts against me.  

Here is a classic example of me being me, not allowing anything to go, not able to close things off and allow myself to disengage.  I'm also thinking the worse about what comes next, I can't think of this as a positive and you know what I hate myself for that, I should see this as a positive, I should see this as something new, but I'm not and I'm worried that for all I talked about giving myself a chance in the previous entry that I won't give myself a chance.  I'm already narrowing my chances and once more sabotaging myself   This is horrible and something I need to stop, but saying it and doing it are different things.  

I'm going to have to find something to do to distract me for tonight and possibly the weekend to try and calm myself now...