Pain is close to Pleasure

Chirping

2012-01-12T12:53:00.001Z

I started out posting daily this year, but with things going the way they were, and with issues over my keyboard (it needed batteries and I didn't get any till yesterday), I have kept away from here till now. I'm sorry, no actually I'm not sorry it gave me time to think and time to observe.

Being back in the swing of things as the phrase goes has got myself out of the nose dive I'd been in. I'm speaking to people on a semi regular basis and I'm doing stuff that over Christmas I wasn't doing as over that 2 week period from sort of like Dec 20th, till just after New Year the world sort of stops and we do our own things. So now I'm back into the routine of life I'm feeling content again. I've still yet to see anyone from the house, I'm going to see how long that can last. It isn't because I don't like them, well I don't like 2 of the other tennants in the property, though one of those two I've never really talked to. However, I digress.

Yesterday was a fine example of where I'm at. I should have been going up to Leigh for an appointment, at 7am I'd heard on the radio of an accident on the motorway near by, but didn't think anything else of it. I had to leave the house for around 9am as the bus goes just past the hour. The same bus that I was going to catch when I had the fall the other week. So I got to the stop a full 10 minutes before the bus was due and waited. I waited past the 10 minute mark, and then 20 minutes, knowing that I'd have missed the first connecting bus to Leigh, but I would catch the second and just about make it. However the bus hadn't arrived 30 minutes after it should have. A bus did pass, but at that point in time it wasn't one I could catch as I'd miss the connection bus, so I carried on waiting. The second bus which was due didn't come and so after an hour I left frustrated and angry that no busses had arrived. I called the depot and asked was there an issue, with the thought of giving them a full blast of how angry I was. However, they mentioned that the motorway crash had caused a 23 mile tail back. Yet, when I pushed them on the fact that other busses coming from the same place the bus I wanted had passed he had no idea why the one I needed hadn't. I guess the traffic going to the local shopping centre was hit the hardest, as the busses that came and went, had come in from a different route.

So had I been in the foul mood I had entered this year in, I'd have swung this upon myself, and really given myself some grief and some how blamed myself for this and would have convinced myself that it's only me that could have that bad luck. However, it was a one off for sure and it wasn't too bad. I did miss my appointment, I'll be there next week now, and it's no big loss. I got to watch all the tv shows that I had stacked up, which in turn gave me the chance to find others later in the day. Not once did I take a negative outlook on this situation, which really pleased me.

The other thing about yesterday which I found pleasing if not a little strange. All day after returning to my flat, and having a shower was that I could hear the birds chirping away as if it was the opening salvo of spring. I know we've had a mild winter to say the least, but Jan 11th is a little early for the start of spring. It was quite nice to hear the birds singing and made yesterday a rather relaxing and enjoyable day, where as had that taken place 7 days previously I'd have been bouncing up and down and trying to find any little reason to blame myself for what had gone on. That's progress. The only negative thoughts that I did have was dispelled in the middle of the afternoon when I got a phone call off my best friend. Whom I'd guessed was working quite hard of late as we hadn't really spoken to each other since before Christmas. She called me and we chatted for a while as she sped home on a train. It was so nice and as I say it sort of threw out the notion that I'd said or done something to upset her, and hence the silence. I had thought that at one point in the day, and quickly threw it out of my head, knowing if I started to look at that thought I'd end up in a bad place. The phone call was perfect timing.

4 small walls are turning into large walls.

2012-01-06T21:51:00.003Z

At some point next week, I'll be heading to the doctors to have a chat and some tests done, I'm due my next set of bloods soon, so I'll discuss one or two things then with them. Hopefully things will go Ok, and I can move on.

Though perhaps I'm feeling better as it is. I think I pinpointed the problem possibly last night, possibly earlier this morning, I can't quite remember. No I wasn't drunk, and couldn't remember the past 24 hours, but right now I'm trying to work out when I had a little thought and it all clicked. I guess half of the stuff I was feeling towards the end of last week and the start of this week was due to what could be described as cabin fever, though I do know the loneliness that I talked of was real, I think the cabin fever adds to that feeling.

I say that from as of Friday 23rd Dec, through till Wednesday of this week, the only people I'd seen were those in shops and only one of them I actually know. So over a week and a half I spoke to no one or saw no one apart from online. I've not seen any of my nieghbours since before the 23rd, so it's been quite a crazy time holed up in this flat which as I've described before is probably smaller than the average prison cell.

Yes, I've been out to the shops and I've been out for walks, but communicating with others hasn't been the main thing I've been doing so that probably sent all the alarm bells ringing and my moods suffered. Since going out on Wednesday, Thursday and today and chatting to friends and people I know I feel so much better. With my social life getting back to normal after the festive break, I'm starting to feel a bit better. I'm not convinced that this is the sole answer to the situation, I'm sure that there are underlying things in this that I have to discover and work on as per usual, but progress has been made and I'm picking myself up as I normally do.

A special mention of thanks to someone who gave me a smart wake up call, with a comment some where. That helped to kick me out of the slumber in it's own way. So thank you for that, you know who you are, I hope you have a good weekend, and we'll have to re-arrange that chat you've been seeking for a while now, if you still want it.

Brighter Freedoms.

2012-01-05T13:40:00.003Z

The wind is high, the sun is up, and my mood brighter than it was. The social aspect of life does work wonders on me, over the past two days I've spoken to friends in person for the first time since just before Christmas, yesterday at a meeting and today I took my niece out for lunch. Well to the local chippy. So my mood is high, I think, no I know it's my niece that has brightend up my day. I don't know what it is, but we just had fun. Be it chattering away or with her deciding to play with all the little trinket toys I've got on my shelves, we just click. It's such a shame we don't see half as much as we should do.

I learnt some stuff that perhaps I shouldn't have, but hey I don't care that's for others to worry about, in terms of I know but they don't know that I know. However, it was just nice to spend some time free of anyone else. Well it would have been till she told me that she was going to meet my mum after lunch. Apart from curtailing our time, it was interesting to find out that even though my niece is now 15, my sister doesn't like her being alone at home. Nor does she like her getting on a bus on her own. Yes, perhaps it s a different time to that in which I grew up, but at her age, I had so much more freedom, and expected it, rather than not. Maybe it's a sign of getting old I don't know, but I was shocked at that news.

Anyway, I'm still pondering last night's cryptic post, and I am giving what I wrote serious thought.

Lost and afraid.

2012-01-04T23:07:00.001Z

Every now and again there becomes a point where I have to step back and ask what am I doing, why am I here, what am I contributing and that is something that I'm asking myself right now. I feel lost and afraid. Afraid that I'm going to let others down, afraid of letting myself down and a little lost in a mysterious world that I've suddenly entered. I've entered a world that I'm probably capable of exploring, and working in, but feel lost right now. I can see others in this world, all doing meaning full roles, and contributing to it's existence, but I feel I'm wandering around like a stranger.

I am starting to think if I should leave this world, I know I don't want to, but if I can't help out then I should let someone else to replace me and contribute to the well being of the world. Yes, I should give it more time and shouldn't rush into anything, but how long is it before the term rushing can no longer exist? How long is it till the world starts to crumble because the others can't do there own jobs as they are trying to add on what I should be doing? So I am considering what to do, how long before I accept yet another of my failings.

Now is that another reason I'm scared, of me failing, of me continuing the self imagined failings of myself? Probably and that's just stupid, but yet it can be proven. So I fight, I'll fight till I can't any longer, but I'm aware of the failings, and in that I can at least build up what ever and try and help.

However, apart from that, can't say I'm happy, can't say I'm depressed, but I'm some where on the negative I guess.

Am I alone??

2012-01-03T14:54:00.001Z

It was but yesterday when I mentioned snow and sleet, well neither came and whilst I was none to impressed I was also quietly pleased. However, today is different again. Today the weather forcast was for high winds, and yes we've got wind, it may not be high here ins wonderful Salford, but I'm sure in other places it's not going to be nice.

The question I pose myself right now, is why am I writing? I feel so much different to what I did a few days ago, the mood, the despair have gone, so what's altered? Is it the walking ? Is it the fact that we are now in a new year and all the "festivities" are now over?? It isn't even the 12th night and so many people are talking about taking down decorations and getting back into the swing of mundane life. Perhaps it's that? I mean for me Christmas and New Year were just other days in my existance. I mean I did one or two things different, but not many, I didn't have much money to play with to make things festive and thus, they were just ordinary days really.

However I do need to explore New Year's Eve, what was it that sent me over the edge and into utter despair? Why did I go from being a bit down to bouncing around close to the depths of depression? What was the trigger? was it the football? I douobt it, I know I wasn't happy about it, but football doesn't send me to the places I explored that day. Fall I did, but to recover so well, so quickly and not resort to medicine is impressive for me. I think perhaps spotting and coming in here and writing and going back to last May and recalling what I wrote about walking helped. What does stand out though is the intense feeling of loneliness I felt just before midnight on New Years Eve, that was horrible. In September of last year, I wrote about my panic attack at my friends house on her wedding day. The sense of being alone on NYE, was as strong as that, and though I know I'm generally lonely, this was a new feeling. Why did that hit me, like that then? Why was it so strong? I don't know, I need to look into this, as I'm doing more now socially through various activities than I was this time last year. So why did I feel so lonely?

What ever the answer is I can't write it now, as I don't have the answer. I need to sit down or perhaps explore this during a walk, where I can take a look at myself a bit better than I can at home. Will I find an answer? I hope so, but will it appear here? I don't know it may do in a cryptic form, but we'll have to wait and see. Yet, one thing is for certain, that even though I've been through a lot, I've done lots of things good and bad, I still find ways to shock myself and find new emotions all the time. Life's one big learning roller coaster.

2012 2012

2012-01-02T12:11:00.001Z

I sit perched on the edge of my chair, with keyboard on my lap, and seeing some clouds in the distance, but on the whole a bright clear winters day. I'm just bloody curious then why the weather forcast at around 3am this morning suggested snow and sleet in the North West...... Unless it's hiding some where it isn't looking like it's going to snow or sleet right now.

Well, here we are nearly midday on the 2nd day of 2012, so that's 36 hours gone, and not a single text or phone call from my family wishing me a Happy New Year. Why I should be bothered or expect such a thing I don't know. I'm hoping that I can get to see my niece this week, on Thursday hopefully to go out for lunch. After last week's abortive attempt which really hurt me. The plan is there, we've both agreed on it, so I'll contact her either later today or tomorrow to sort out the finer details.

How am I doing? Well having been out for a walk early doors both today and yesterday, and by early I mean around 6am I'm feeling a bit better. A lot calmer, but still not 100% far from it. I may have been out and about walking, a good 5 miles each day, but I've not said boo to a goose on either of the walks, as there hasn't been anyone to say boo too. However, it's done me some good and I'm trying to build myself up again. My attention span is still short, but I'm sure once I've got a bit more calmness into my life I'll find it getting longer again.

The one thing that I will say about early 2012, (well I've just remembered something else to type so it's two things about 2012 right now), it seems to be going slowly. In the past couple of days I've looked at one of the clocks in my room, (why I have 3 clocks, and 3 other devices including my PC with the time in one small flat I don't know) and been shocked to find out what time it is. Last night I looked up and thought it was about 22.30, only to find it was 21.00. Just now I've looked at the clock and thought it seems so much later than midday. If this carry's on 2012 will be one of the slowest years I can rememeber.

Onto the other thing about 2012. Last year we had all the fuss over 11/11/11, however we've I've only just realised we've got something similar this year and it's going to be the last time for a while we'll see this I know. On Dec 20th, which of course is virtually 12 months away we'll be writing down the date in numbers as such, 20/12/2012... We won't see the like again till the start of the next century for sure. I'm sure some where some church of some pokey ancient religion will be claiming it to be the end of the world, and I'm sure some people have a name for it. All I know it's going to be 2012 2012 ....

Hello 2012, with tears.

2012-01-01T01:38:00.000Z

I wasn't expecting to still be up at this time, I had intended to have one drink at midnight and then go to bed. Instead, I've had two glasses of bubbly, and also made myself some toast with tomato's and mustard on.

Leading up to midnight, I suddenly stopped what I was doing and felt incredibly lonely, and with about 10 minutes to go before the start of the new year, I began to cry. I couldn't stop myself and it took me till well past midnight to stop. I missed being around someone, anyone at that moment, and the stark reality of my existance hit home.

Since then I've been engaged in a chat on a forum over a variety of topics, none of which come close to being what the topic of the forum should be about, but hey ho who cares. Some of what been said has cheered me up, I've been silly, and a bit cutting, and I don't care. I've pulled back on occasion, not only there, but in face book too. So I'm fully aware of the way I'm thinking. At least I'm a bit happier to be conversing all be it in a manor that isn't conductive to instantanious responses.

Oh and it's 2012, much the same as 2011. We've still got 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week, but this year we have 366 days instead of 365. Woo hoo, another day to be depressed on.

Goodbye shitty 2011

2011-12-31T23:26:00.000Z

I said I would return and I have, so the year 2011 is little over an hour away from departing, and my thoughts are good, I can say good bye to another year. It hasn't been the worse one I've been through, but it's been bad enough. Another year on the poverty line, another year estranged from the family, another year alone.

It started off so positively, and with so much hope, but by March and April it fell apart, suicide was an option, I contemplated it, I even went out of the flat with the intention of taking my life, but in the end, or should I say once I'd contemplated the situation I didn't go through with it, I felt I had some more to offer, and one or two events in the future to keep me going. I didn't wish to spoil a friends day, even that early in the year. So I ploughed on, with no internet, no phone and no money, desperate to try and sort things out.

Many jobs were applied for, some I wanted, some I didn't. Some were in the field of work I have experience in and others not, but all but one this year ended up in the same place, the waste bin, only one interview all year, and even then it was informal, lasted no more than say 10 minutes, and even by the time I'd sat down to start the chat, I knew I wasn't going to get the role, no matter how hard I sold myself. I have become disenchanted with my job search, to cap it off towards the end of the year, I was refered to a government agency in October, for the next level of help, as of now, as of tomorrow, I've heard nothing from them. I contacted them recently and they said they'd not got my info, the job centre told me they'd sent the info via snail mail rather than electronically for some reason, I have no idea why, but they did, and it hadn't been dealt with. They said I'd hear something, well I haven't and that just about sums it all up really. If the people out there who are employed to help me are ignoring me, then what hope in hell have I got of an employer of taking notice of me.

Once I hit the depression early in the year, and I seemed to be all alone, I drove people away from me, not intentionally, but I did. I felt alone, I knew I was alone and so a retreat behind my own walls took place. Even now many months later, I don't think I've poked my head back out yet. I'm still confining myself to the friends that mean the most to me. Not that I know if the plural is right? There I go again, that could be seen by others as me being rude, I don't know if it is, but it's how internally I feel right now. Who have I got close to me? Well the one person that knows me the best, the one person whom I call friend and well as good as my sister, as the real sister isn't worth mentioning. That's how I see things. Those with whom I used to confine in, had to distance themselves from me or chose to and whilst communications are open, from my perspective and from me, I've been reluctant to really open up. I think that may well be a defence mechanism, I really did take a huge hit back at the start of the year.

Yes, I've moved on, and have become more involved in things since, in an attempt I guess to help myself, but how much that has done I don't know? Perhaps now is the time I'll find out, being on the edge of another depression, and edge is the word. I've spotted the signs as my previous post earlier today showed, so I may be able to work something out and prevent that from taking place. Even if it means making an appointment with my GP and having to go back onto anti depressants, which will be a last resort in the next week or so if I have to. Going back to what I was talking about, I've got events coming up to take my mind off the situation here at my flat, and if they work then so be it, but I do have to give them a chance, I can't go into them, being negative, nor can I do so thinking they'll be the answer to everything, they won't be. That sort of attitude will only end in trouble.

Now this review wll probably sound really negative when I read it back in a year or so time, but let's try to be positive, there was some really positive things come out of this year. Yet, more sporting joy, and musical entertainment. I met some new people, who are nice, and I get along with. So that's a start. I've been able to rebuild bridges with sorts with those that I pushed away earlier in the year, although as previously stated they are not as secure as they were, the rebuilding process is taking time and that's a good thing, I don't want to see that crumble again. I've visited Wrexham in the first time in ages, which may not sound much. Indeed it really isn't, as Wrexham isn't really that much, but it has significance in my life as I'm sure I've written, so that was enjoyable. I've started to write in here again, and found that I could maintain doing so, and do so on a regular basis in good and bad times. I'm not sure if this is the second or third most productive year in this blog, however it's been fun to write. It's been fun to alter it's appearnace after so many years.

Appearances, oh if only they could change else where, progress has been made, but it's slow and though I knew it would be, every now and again it really does hurt me how slow. It's times like that I undertake periods of self pity and self loathing in equally high quantities. I'm jealous like hell of many people, alot of whom I've only met in the last 2 years or so, and I doubt they'll be reading this, but I'm not naming names. Thank you in many ways, your beauty is wonderful, and I'm jealous as hell, but it's that jealousy that some times drives me on, gives me a spur, whih normally lasts no more than a day or two, but it feeds me in positive ways, if I'm happy though of course if down negatively.

So there we go I don't think I've really reviewed the year, perhaps put a perspective on it from the position I find myself in now, but I write in the moment, and some of this has been thought of, most of it is spontious. So I hope to see you in 2012, perhaps a little more regular in here than else where, I don't know. Howerver, those who have stuck by this blog and read no matter what, I'm sorry it's been such a brutal read at times, sorry I've had to write some horrible things, but it's designed to help me and to let others know how I feel, and also on my fight against all that's nasty in my life. I can not write for others. I do however thank you all for reading, I'm not sure why you do so, but when I see 10 or 11 people reading each blog I know some one, some where is and it sort of encourages me to continue.

Bouncing... into a storm.

2011-12-31T15:47:00.001Z

Oh hell, why didn't someone shout? Why didn't I wake up and smell the coffee? What have I been doing? What could have been so entralling for me to miss what I can see?

The storm to which I've been alluding too has touched down I think? This isn't the best time for it to hit. I've spent the morning doing bits and bobs and the plan was to hit the shops after listening to the football. I did just that, OK the result wasn't great, but I can cope with that. However, on leaving the house, I spotted a group of random people chatting around a car on the opposite side of the road, and I collapsed into my shell, head down, music on and off I walked. Planning on what I would be if I could, and what I had in and how much money I could play with.

Then as I crossed a second road on my journey in, during a change of track I heard a car horn and some shouting, I turned to see the said car turning and people laughing. Was it aimed at me? Hang on why should it be aimed at me? If so? what have I done? I don't know them. In that 1 or 2 seconds I lost everything, all the stability that I've had for months crumbled. I still went down to the shops, walked into Eccles, though as I approached Morrison's more and more people were about, and I was convinced they were staring at me, and yet I know they weren't. I became paranoid, and was bouncing, ready to launch into anyone for anything. However, I collected myself, I walked into the super busy Morrison's but that didn't help, that was just as busy and as I walked up one isle, to find people looking at shelves or moving the other way I felt that they were there to stop me, it was all against me. I felt like I was swimming against a tide of hurricane force.

So upon leaving the store I marched across to Aldi, well marched is the wrong word, walked across trying to compose myself trying to stop myself getting wound up, all the time thinking the world was watching me. I got into the store, and just went to what I wanted, including the item that I forgot last night. Yes, I forgot something last night, it was only a minor thing, but it spoilt the intended meal. However the checkouts were busy, how I got through I don't know, but I did and walked home.

I say walked home it wasn't that easy, as half way home I realised I'd have to cross the bridge, which was a problem, the mood I had found myself in wasn't good, but head down and a march and that was a march got me over it and on my way. Around this time though it did hit me, my attention span has been getting shorter and shorter of late, as can be seen in my facebook updates, I've been struggling to find interest in things, and that's when I realised that I'd failed to see where I was and how close to the storm I have been.

What can I do? Well for one a nice long walk will work wonders for me, tomorrow that is, right now it's getting dark. The very mood that I find myself in and of course the paranoid state won't help So that will have to be tomorrow, I can write in here, and notice how much I've written considering that over the past few days I've been struggling to find anything to write. See how bloody descriptive it is and clear, rather than alluding to anything. Maybe, I've spotted it early and can cope with it, I'm not sure that drinking will help, but it might. It's New Year's Eve for heaven's sake, one of my favourite nights of the year.

Last year I spent it at a friends house and really enjoyed myself, this year I'm going to alone and doing anything that I can to keep me entertained. I know that someone thought I may be going to a party, but I didn't get invited, and so that killed that idea off. I've done NYE alone many a time and I don't mind. So it's sit back and let the storm do it's worse. This probably won't be the last entry today, I may sit down later and do a review of the past 12 months, I've got plenty to write about and plenty to think about. Till then toodle pips.

Sitting Down

2011-12-30T13:39:00.003Z

I begin this post with forboding as to where I'll end up at the end of it, the weather isn't as bad as it was yesterday, but it's still grey, still wet and horrible. Me, I'm in a place on the edge of pot hole, deciding if I'm going to stay looking down into it or take the plunge.

Whilst that doesn't sound good and it isn't, this isn't the start of a depression, more me being quite upset. I mentioned in yesterday's post how I'd planned to take my niece out to the chippy for lunch as a treat for her birthday yesterday. Well I text her eariler on, to set a time to get to her place to walk to the chippy and have lunch. However, the response back wasn't good, she's being forced to go and visit friends of her parents, and whilst she didn't say anything, I'm guessing from the wording of the text that she didn't want to go, but was being told she had to. Now this isn't the first time recently this has happended with my niece. I'm guessing that her mum and dad really don't want me to see her, and if that's the case then why can't they be brave enough to tell me to my face, and tell her that she can't see me.

Saying that, that would mean explaining to her the reasons why and they wouldn't want to do that would they? They are scared that she'd ignore them and they'd lose a little bit of power on her. So I'll sit here and suffer some more, and let the storm outside wage it's war to try and get at me. I'm not going to let it in, I'm not going to allow this to spoil what has been a relativly long period of peace for me. It will and is causing pain and yes my mood is similar to that just before I sink into the hell of depression, but I know why, I can sort it out, and whilst my niece would like to meet up tomorrow that's a little difficult for me, so it's going to have to wait.

That's it, I'm not going to say anymore, rather than opening other wounds, and causing infections, then I'll stick to that and make it short and to the point.

Stormy outside

2011-12-29T18:21:00.001Z

The weather today has been truely awful, wind, rain, hail with more wind has made today a real horrible winters day. We've not had many of these this year, but today is one of those days. I ventured out just after lunch time, and though for the majority of the time I managed to escape the worse of the weather, I did encounter a very nasty downpour, some wind and then hail and wind just as I was nearing home. It could have been nicer, but I think I managed to strike it lucky.

I can not believe today is my nieces 15th birthday, crimes the little un' is 15, that's not so little any more. Long gone are the days of being able to pick her up, sling her upon my shoulders and not bother about it. Long gone are the days of being able to wind her up really easily and spark her into actionn, which in turn would infuriate others. Mind you we both knew we were having fun. Tomorrow, we're going out for lunch a bit of a throw back, but we'll head to the chippy in Eccles, as they have a quaint sit down section. We'll be all "Northern" with fish and chips, though perhaps a large sausage may be ordered instead of chips. It's something neither of us has done for a while I suspect.

So we are now 3 days away from 2012!! 72 hours, well not quite that any more but you know what I mean. I'm sort of ending the year feeling a bit flat. Whilst I'm trying to find things to keep me busy and occupied, it's become harder of late, as nothing seems to be able to ignite a spark in me. Still it's a mood that comes every so often and then goes away again. This all started I guess on Christmas Day, after I'd finished watching some DVD's. The idea of watching roadrunner was good, however it was over taken in the end and I watched the Star War's saga from start to finish. It's the first time this year that I've watched them sequencially, and I'll be honest I really enjoyed doing so. Little bits of the films had been forgot so some scenes no matter how many times I've seen them, I'd erased or simply failed to recall. Once that had been finished however, filling up the time has since become a difficult process. I'll sort it out for sure but by when? I don't know?

Now it's time to leave this entry and go start preparing my tea, on this cold damp day, which isn't helping me I guess as I'm struggling to stay warm, a nice hot curry will go down a treat. So till I speak again, hopefully before next year, cheerio....

Heavy metals.

2011-12-23T11:31:00.001Z

It's a Friday, it's grey, it's raining and it's the day before Christmas Eve.... I'm not exactly feeling all festive, not because I don't enjoy this time of year, but I just don't think it feels as festive as it has done in previous years. Maybe it's the ecconomic climate, maybe it's me getting old, who know's but this just doesn't feel like Christmas. Yes, the shops have Christmas decorations up, but not many and whilst the normal Christmas tunes are being played, it's not at the normal level.

So what's planned for today? Well in the next 40 or 50 minutes or so I'm walking around to my sister's house to see my niece, we are supposed to be going to the local shops to pick up her present, but as it's raining I'm going to guess that she won't want to go, but we'll see. I don't really want to spend any time at the house, for reasons that have been explained in the past. However, we'll wait and see, I do hope she'll come with me, as it would be nice to chat.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon at the BBC for another event in the Celebrate Sport festival that they had prior to last nights Sport's Personality of the Year award (well done Mark Cavendish on that, well deserved!!). This was a show dedicated to the unsung hero's of sport, of which one of those there won the main award last night during the above show. However, whilst I shouldn't belittle those who won the award, or those nominated, I have to say the highlight was something small, something really trite in many ways considering the show itself. Gail Emms was there to talk about unsung hero's and how they'd helped her out, in her career, but she'd also brought her Olympic silver medal with her. She kindly passed it around the audience, and so for what will be the only time ever I held an Olympic medal in my hands. I was quite surprised at how heavy it was, but it was beautiful. As I say trite I know. However, I should point out that I think I broke the lift that myself and a few others including Gail Emms were taking to come out of the event. It wasn't my fault the doors tried to shut on me as I walked into the lift. Then when we got down to the level below they wouldn't shut then. So we had to swap lifts.

My word it looks shockingly miserable outside, I don't know about my niece not wanting to go out, it has seemingly got worse as I've typed this out. Mind you it will do me good to get out, as it's close to Christmas, hardly any of the television programmes that I would watch of a morning are being aired, so it's making the day that bit longer. So going out will break the boredom, and boredom leads to mood swings and mood swings ain't good when you don't like this time of year. So change iis good.

3 Phase Days

2011-12-18T12:09:00.000Z

It's a chilli, sunny Sunday here, but one that looks really pretty out of the window. Over the past couple of days I've been trying to sort myself out or at least looking at why things had taken a turn for the worst on Friday. I think it was a blip, a crash and though I can't say I'm not prone to those it does seem that it was just that a crash.

I spent yesterday in 3 phases, early in the morning I went to Eccles to pick up some shopping, only one or two bits, but that was the plan. It was the farmers market, and so I was looking around there and saw a friend, whom I'd not seen for quite a while so we had a nice chat over a cup of coffee, which warmed us both up. Whilst I was out, I had a text from another friend, who said she'd call me, I had to delay that, but delay we did and we had a nice but short chat over the phone in the afternoon. That was phase 2, which again was nice. We'd not spoken to each for as long if not longer than it had been between myself and my first friend I'd seen. However, I had to curtail that conversation, as I had to go out to a radio show at the BBC. That was fun and a entertaining way to end the day. That was phase 3, and made sure that the day ended really well. I got home had something to eat, and not long afterwards I was in bed and asleep.

What a difference a nice day can do to one's mood and it certainly was nice. As I keep saying being socialable is something I enjoy and it proved to me how much I enjoy it. So I sit here now listening to the radio and feeling tons better than I did late Friday night.

Recovery Vehicle Found

2011-12-17T07:59:00.002Z

It's the morning after the night before and whilst I'm putting the crash down last night to possibly being part of the ripple effect of my fall a few weeks back now, I've just started to question that as I type. So I'm going to look into this a bit more now.

So why after so long have I crashed? Is it to do with the fall a few weeks ago? Has the rush that caused not only of emotions, but also adrenalin just ran out? Am I suffering the whole effects of that right now? I question this as whilst I've still got the wound on my hand, the bruising around my knee is only just fading. It could be that kicking in and me feeling sorry for myself. I thought I'd done that enough on the day of the fall, but maybe not??

What else could it be then? Well, I accept I'm no fan of Xmas, it's well documented that I don't like it and have said so quite recently. Having been out last night for Trec's Xmas party, and being rather social, coming home to the empty flat, which was cold, me being cold and hungry perhaps combined to induce the feeling I did. I'm not sure now, but what ever it was, the crash was rather dramatic, as I'd been feeling so good for so long. That's the thing that really hit me last night, and why I had to write and why I'm trying to examine this right now. I've been so up of late and to crash like that is a bit of a shock.

Maybe it wasn't the flat that was the issue, maybe it's the old being alone thing that hit me last night. Another well documented part of my make up, the love of being social and yet the reality of total loneliness that encapsulates my life. Perhaps it was that, with all the tales of impending festive activities, with family, with partners, with friends. Maybe the realisation that I'm going to be alone with turkey lasagne, maybe a cheap bottle of wine and what ever I decide to watch. It isn't going to be as they say a "Happy Christmas" for me. That's why I dislike this festive period, it's never happy for me, and yet externally I force myself to be so for the world, and it takes it toll, that may have prompted the crash last night? There is only so much one can do, before it becomes difficult to maintain the facade and that's crumbled.

Now to be positive about it, at least I got to my flat and relaxed rather than being with everyone else last night, which is good, but then if it was a facade, then I would have been building scaffolding to keep it up till we finished last night and when would that have finished when I walked through my door. Still at least I didn't spoil anyone ones night and that's good. I've taken time to try and understand what happend, maybe the hunger, lack of anything in my system meant that I couldn't keep the pretence up. Perhaps had I eaten before going out I'd have felt better on getting in? Who knows, but by sitting down and looking at it, I've a better understanding of what happened, and yes, this entry may be a few paragraphs long, and I may have just touched on things, but I think a combination of everything that I have written hit and that they all played a part, and it wasn't just one thing. So now the plan of action is to get breakfast done, go get a little bit of shopping done, and then relax a little and try and enjoy the day. I feel a bit better having explored what happend and knowledge is powerful in these cirucmstances.

Crash

2011-12-16T23:57:00.000Z

I need to write something, maybe a little short note, I don't know I just need to write. I've been out all night and I've been fine, I've been OK for a ages, and yet I've walked into my cold, small flat, feeling all alone, miserable and basically fallen over the edge of the cliff. I'm not sure what's set it off or pushed me if anything did. I'll be OK come the morning, but I could do with a pick me up some how, though what that would be I don't know. This is a strange feeling considering how "happy" I've been of late. Reason enough to write, to get it out of the system and to revisit tomorrow.

Wildlife or Sport

2011-12-15T13:46:00.002Z

No deadline, no outlines, just a blank canvas. That's how I'm going to approach this entry today. So this could be drivel, it could be good, lets just see.

Where am I? It's a good question that I'm asking myself, apart from being at home, in Salford of course, I'm in a positive point in my life. I'm not feeling down, yes I've got worries, but they are general worries which I can deal with between now and then, I've got some stress, but then that can be healthy. I can see hope, and no hope in the same distance, and whilst both lie down seperate paths, there is another path to lead which I'm happily walking down, it's one that I'm comfortable with, it doesn't lead down to a miserable point, like the no hope path does, and unlike the hope path it's not leading up to the top of the mountain, where it's really easy to fall off onto the no hope path.

So things are OK, which is good, going into a season which I hate quite a lot really. I know I've talked about this in the past, how I dislike Christmas, but right now I'm not going to pay to much attention to it. We are now what 10 days away from the "big day", I've got 3 cards in my room, and that's it. The weather is cold, but it's winter and that's it really. I'm not exactly in contact with my family so I don't have to do Christmas with them, I'm not having to go out of my way to do anything really different than normal. So hey ho, it's just another day for me this year, and that is good news.

What will be interesting however, will be the reaction of my family to the cards they've been sent this year. I wonder what the fall out of that will be? I know my sister and brother in law, will not be happy with me, or they'll be trying think of an excuse to tell my neice about the card, but I await to see what the out come is. I wonder if they'll suddenly remember I exist, or where I live for that matter? I doubt it very much, I expect the cards to be delivered via the ice cream man again. I can only but wait I guess. My Xmas meal is sorted out, turkey lasagne, I've got the mince, got the lasagne sauces ready, all I need now are more sheets of pasta, some pepers and bacon. Then it's all done and dusted.

Last night I was out at Salford Quays, listening to and watching an interview of two former football players, Jimmy Arnfield and Jim Coombs, the later also played cricket for various county teams and is now CEO of Lancashrie Cricket Club, who featured so much in early September of this blog. I had thought it was going to be recorded for future broadcast, but no, it was a one off chat, between themselves and the presenter Jaqui Oakley of the BBC> It was a wonderful night really, two sportsmen from an era long ago, talking about there own careers and those of there own heroes. Then post the end of the interview, and whilst the majority of the audience left the building the two of them stood chatting to some of the audience, and answering questions that hadn't been able to be asked during the main session, as well as discussing other things. I'm so glad that I was able to go, but it was also one of those events that I wish I'd been able to take my father and my god father for that matter, both of whom have long since passed away. They would have loved to have listened to and possibly asked a few questions to both of these wonderful gentlemen.

There you have it, the end of another blog entry, however one minor point, whilst waiting in the lobby area of the new BBC Sport building at Salford Quays, I thought I was either drunk or on some medication, I saw an elephant walking around on two legs and and giraffe that was 7ft tall doing the same. OK, so it was the club mascots of Everton FC and Lancashire CCC, however it was rather random. The whole concept for Lancashire having a giraffe as a mascot is odd, though I suspect as lots of people refer to Lancashire as Lancy, it's come from that and the tallest of the animal kingdom is a giraffe. Still it's very, very odd.

Cheerful Outlooks.

2011-12-13T19:06:00.002Z

I sit before the monitor thinking I'm going to write, thinking what to write and then letting my fingers begin the journey around the keyboard. Tonight's blog is only intended to be short and sweet. I need to pop out to the shops to pick up some groceries, so I'm not intending on a long entry. How many times have I said that in this blog and go on for ever and a day?? So I'll try my best.

Not to much has transpired since the last entry which doestn't seem to be like last Wednesday, but much later to be honest. Still Wednesday it is. I was out on Saturday night in Manchester for a Christmas "do" and have to say that I enjoyed myself. It's not often that I say that about night outs, but I did and I'm sure it was the company I was with, who made it enjoyable and entertaining, even if it was Karaoke which I detest. It even got to the point where I was considering destroying a couple of songs, but couldn't find it in me to do such a thing.

Sunday was spent chilling out after the night before. Getting in at 4am, wasn't an issue and I woke up 2 or 3 times before getting up rather late at 9.30, but hey I had nothing to do and can do what I want. So I spent the day doing diddly squat. It was possibly one of the best days of the year, as I couldn't care less really about anything that was going on, I just did what I wanted to do, and when I wanted to do it. That was beautiful and something that I can do every day, but I don't think I do do every day, or not with the abandon that I did on Sunday.

I'm still waiting for the guys to come and sort out the water heater in my room, the landlord arrived on Friday I think it was to have a look at it and then said it would be Monday afternoon when the electrician and his handy man would come and change it for me. It's now Tuesday night and I've not had anyone around, it's now over a week since I switched the thing off and it's a royal pain in the backside not having hot water in the flat, if it continues for much longer I'm really going to get angry. However, I don't have much room to complain about in some respect, but hey we'll see how that goes.

Tomorrow night I'm out at the BBC again for another radio show I applied for loads of things last week and got 3 sets of tickets back, so with the show tomorrow, I've got 4 shows to go and sit in on, which I'm really looking forward to. It gets me out of the flat and it's also nice to be entertained by others even if it is only for an hour or so. Different environments always helps one's outlook on life.

Venturing Out

2011-12-06T14:47:00.001Z

It's a gloomy mid winters day, it's been raining for most of it, the tree's are bare the sky is gun metal grey and it's cold inside, so god only knows what it's like outside!! I'll be venturing out soon, to go speak to someone and then to go do some shopping towards my tea tonight. I'm going a experimental run for Christmas, in I'm trying out a couple of new items as opposed to the trusted, just to see how it tastes and if it's good enough for Christmas dinner.

That's my only venture out today, I'm awaiting a phone call from the estate agents to tell me what's happening over the water heater in my flat. It has a history of tripping the electric in my room, first of all it would trip the meter in my flat, but then it started to trip the fuse box switch for my flat in the cellar last year. The land lords handy person came out and said it really did need replacing and he'd get onto the land lord over it, but hey it's never been done. Much like the fact that the damp that has been attacking the flat for well over 2 years now hasn't been treated, even though the estate agents have notified him after the last two yearly inspections. I have my own thoughts as to why this is so, but I can't prove that, but I maintain to myself that I'm right on this one for a change.

Whilst I'm awaiting this to be seen too, I've switched the water heater off at the switch and at the mains box in my flat, it blew out twice yesterday within the space of an hour or so, which wasn't good as my pc was on both times, I'm just lucky it wasn't damaged by it. However, I'm not going to take the risk again so I've got no hot water in my flat, well I have if I heat some on the cooker or use the kettle to boil some water, but it's labourious and time consuming in comparrison to having the water heater. I can cope for a short period of time, but anything more than a couple of days and I'm going to get very angry at the estate agents over it. I know it isn't there fault, but they are the point of contact and if I don't get onto them and express my frustration and anger they won't be able to express that to the land lord will they???

Not a lot has taken place since my last post, I've potter around, had to put money in the gas meter for the first time since March, but hey that's not too bad as it takes only £7 to fill that up, so £7 of gas over 9 months isn't bad at all by my reasoning. Mind that means I don't use my fire that much, say for the odd 20/30 minutes here and there. I'm using alternate methods to keep myself warm, methods which have proven harmful in the past, but hot water bottles do the job perfectly well, as the only places that get real cold are my arms and hands. Its increasingly becoming harder to type this entry as my hands are quite cold right now and are starting to seize up a little, even though I'm typing quite quickly to try and keep them moving.

One thing has puzzled me of late and it's a mystery to me, but at least 3 people have asked for my address of late, OK I can guess why, but of the 3, 2 I thought definately had the address and have posted things before, whilst another was given the address in September, though I can't recall if it were online or via a text message which might easily have been deleted. It's as if the world has decided to wipe me from the address book of everyone. Mind you at least it's a reason to communicate with people, and they've had to communicate with them. It makes me happy to communicate which is something I've spoken about at length in this blog. So I shouldn't really complain, though it's not a complaint, more my inquisitive nature as why this has happened over the past week and from so many...

My Little Black Book

2011-12-03T12:04:00.001Z

I know what I want to title this entry, but it isn't going to get a title till I finish it. This one is the 500th entry into this blog and whilst it's taken just over 8 years looking at the time frame on it, I make no public appologies for it being that big of a time span. I may well have started off well intentioned and in some years really worked hard to make many a post. This year has been rather productive and I've almost come back, to blogging to help myself out rather than anyone else. However, I'll wait and see how I go before I really make any comment about a whole scale return.

On reading some of the early entries I can see that some of the stuff being written then ring too today. I for example made comments over leaving the field of work I was in and how little experience I had outside of it. Two years ago that move was made and I've since had no job, and finding it difficult to get into any other field due to my lack of experience. That was quite a forward thinking entry I guess 8 years ago!! No this blog has helped through the bad times, it's been a place for me to write down my emotions, sometimes when I've been bad I've not come here, and not written and after this past year or so I know I've been rather foolish I guess in ignoring it.

Anyway, lets not get sentimental with all this gushing of praising myself for 500 posts, I could have done so much more over the years, and should of, but then again I had no idea that I'd get here and be still writing in here when I first started to write. I'm sure that Janet, who inspired the blog in the first place no longer reads this, and apart from the occasional posts over in Oilfans I've hardly seen her online since then. I'm sure she's doing very well over in Canada, doing whatever very well.

Today is going to be a day of doing not a lot really, I've showered, I've got this years first Xmas card, and that's it. The weather can't decide if it wants to be bright or cloudy, Dry or wet and I guess mild or cold. It isn't exactly suggesting go for a walk today. I know I should, but I'm still suffering from my fall earlier in the week. So I'n going to leave the walking till I feel better. It's for the best I guess, as I wouldn't be able to push myself if I'm not 100% and of course I'll be a little fearful. Which is certainly something I'll have to conquer. So I'll spend the day doing very little, though I will listen to some football and catch up on one or two tv shows that I missed last night and that's going to be it. I doubt I'll go out today, though I know I'll be bemoaning myself if I don't and be in a foul mood. Well I won't, as I'll be wary of falling into that position, but I guess I'll want some sort of conversation with someone rather than with myself, which I'm doing right now whilst typing this entry.

Hmm, this is becoming rather fragmented as I'm playing scrabble online, whilst trying to type this entry, OK the scrabble can wait, but it does give me a chance to reformulate my thoughts and send me in new directions, and that's always a good thing I guess, it gives me more ideas to add to this post. Though not all are great, like thinking if this could be 500 words long. Even as I type that, I know it won't happen, but as an alternate perhaps 500 lines, but that's just crazy, and I don't want the hole 500 theme thing to it anyway.

Yesterday I asked for a usual day, rather than a "normal" day as we know normal doesn't exist, and so it was a uusal day full of up's, downs and well near enough everything inbetween. Such is life, and such it is right now, that one thing I'm struggling with of late is to be able to come up with little quotes on life or even find some really good ones that I like. My little black book of quotes hasn't had anything new in it for ages and whilst I could add freely to it in the past, now it's quite difficult. So perhaps the aim/target/resolution for 2012 (apart from a job/money etc), will be to continue writing and to search for within myself, and from external sources quotes to add to my little black book.

Contrasting Days

2011-12-02T07:58:00.001Z

December is upon us and it's started off well, hundreds of times better than November finished... A positive start to the month is always a good one, and this month started off positively. I look forward to the next 30 days or so, and even now start to think of how I'm going to write or what I'm going to write towards the end of this 30 day period as a review of the year that has been 2011.

So to begin, a summary of Wednesday, which I have to put down, as it will help negate it in my memory. I set off to catch the bus to Leigh at 8.55, knowing that it should be plenty of time to get to the bus stop and wait for the 9.08 bus. As with the previous week though as I was turned the first corner I saw a bus pass the top of the road towards the stop, no issue, the previous week another "earlier" bus had arrived and I jumped on that and just changed my route. So I got to the stop, and waited not sure which bus had passed nor if the bus I'd wanted had come past earlier. So I waited till a few minutes past the designated time of arrival and set off walking down the road to a stop further down the road which has another bus I could catch arrives at. Constantly checking to see if the one I did want was late.

I went past the first stop, which I had intended to do, got half way between this stop and the stop I wanted, when the original appeared at the top of the road, plenty of space between it and myself, and it had a busy roundabout to negate. So I turned and started to run for the bus, though within two or three yards, I knew I was going to fall, I hadn't tripped or slipped, but I knew I was falling. I tried to correct myself, by slowing down and at one point I thought I'd corrected it, but no down I went. All this was in seconds though it sounds like a life time. I knew it was a big fall, and in true sporting fashion, I stayed down a little longer than needed, as I knew cars were passing etc, and embarresment and pride were kicking in, I'd never done that before, plus I was a little concerned about the fact I'd landed on my knees, before bouncing and twisting onto my back. As I got up a car stopped and asked if I was OK, I was shaken, but said I'd be fine just a little sore. The bus stopped which was wonderful, I was no where near the stop, but the loveley driver stopped for me anyway.

As I'd got up, I'd found my hat and keys had come off my head and out of my pockets respectively,so I collected them and was carrying them onto the bus. As the bus set off, and I was fumbling to get the money to pay for my ticket, my keys dropped again, I paid the driver collected my change and then picked my keys up. I found a empty seat sat down, placed my hat and keys on the seat next to me, and realised I'd cut my hand in the fall. It seemed like a superficial cut, but it was bad enough. I put my hat in my bag, and thought I'd put my keys in my pocket, and went on my way to the stop I needed to be to get off and wait for the second bus. At this point the cut hand was still messy, but I had no where to clean it up. So I got onto the next bus, after another small adventure and got to Leigh.

I went for a brief walk around the shops in Leigh before heading to my appointment, but I was increasingly aware that the cut on my hand was still bleeding, so I intended to wash it and clean it at the centre where my appointment was. Within 300 yards of reaching there, I went to change the music track on my phone, and suddenly realised I didn't have my keys with me. I checked my bag, thinking I put them in there on the bus, but no they were not there. It was here I thought they'd come out of my pocket on one of the 2 journeys I'd made today, so I walked back to the bus station, to ask them if they could contact the respective buses for me to see if my keys had been handed in. It was here that I found the station or the offices closed. With the mass strikes taking place on Wednesday, I hadn't realised that this would include the bus stations.

Upon discussions with the striking staff I found that one inspector was working, and spoke with him. He told me he'd contact the depot and ask them to ask the last bus I was on, and to come back later. So I went back for my appointment, where I cleaned the cut up, but was concerned about the look of it, Using the magnifying glass and lights in the room, it was assessed by 2 others, though I thought it myself that I may have something in my hand. A trip to the local "walk-in" small A&E dept. at the local infirmary was needed. So I walked down there and checked in. After being assesssed it was nearly an hour and 15 minutes before I was seen, and at first the nurse wasn't sure about a foriegn body being lodged in my hand. After further inspection he claimed I might have, but by the time he removed the stone from my hand he was quite shocked at the size of it and how deeply embeded it had been. Perhaps I'd fallen heavier than I had first thought, but it didn't seem that way.

Thankfully a friend whom I've met whilst in Leigh had come down to pick me up, she knew I'd been shaken etc, and knew of the lost keys. So thankfully she drove me back to the bus station, where I hunted down the inspector, but no luck, the keys weren't on the second bus, and thus hadn't been brought back to the station. He gave me some numbers to ring, but told me to wait another hour or two. I was despondant, I had no where to go really, and apart from texting my best friend and my friend in Leigh, I felt alone, in need of a huge hug. I returned to my friends house had a coffee, and a chat, before calling the bus depot, where upon I was told that no keys had been found and that I should call back between 6.30 and 7,00pm. Not good as I wouldn't be able to get a spare set of keys available then.

They did explain that the keys would be handed over to the new drivers who had taken the bus over, from the previous one and when the bus arrives back at the dopot would be placed into lost property then. All well and good, but if they aren't and at that time I'd be in a horrible situation. So I rang the estate agents explained the them, but they said I'd have to get a spare set cut from there keys, so I'd have to go to them before they shut. By now it was getting towards 2pm. I left my friends house walked back to the bus station, shaken alone and pondering what else will go wrong today. Just as I arrived back at the station my friend called and told me she'd run me back to where I wanted to go. I was so grateful, so she did just that and after a search of that area to see if the keys had fallen out on the pavement etc, I jumped on a bus back to the estate agenets, I did ask the driver of two buses running the same route I'd followed in the morning if any keys had been passed over to them, but none had. I was told 5 different buses were running that route all at once. However, I could identify which one it was due to the nicer seats on the earlier bus, still no luck with that idea.

When things are going against me they really go against me, any regular reader will know I have that knack of not one, two or even three things going wrong at once, but more like seven or eight. Today was about to follow that path. The estate agents, had no spare keys per say to my flat, they needed to speak to the land lord, however they'd left a few messages with him and emailed him, but had no response. It was coming up to 3.30, and obviously I was increasingly worried that I'd not find my keys and all the impending worry that would cause and no response by the land lord was causing concern that he might not get back intouch till the following day and where would I sleep that night. This was increased when the estate agent called back. As I was outside the shop, I walked in, to be greeted with the news, that the land lord had spoken to them, and that he'd get spare set of keys cut, however they are a "special" barrel or something and so it would cost me between £20 to £30 to replace mine. Also he couldn't get it done till the morning. I had no idea what I'd be doing!! One of the members of the team at the estate agents thought they had keys to get them into my place, which would enable me to get in, but not go out at all till the following day. He said he'd meet me at my place at 4.30. I had 40 minutes to get home.

I was home in plenty of time, the final of the 5 buses came and it wasn't going to have my keys on it, my phone by now was running low on battery as well, so I had nothing to keep me entertained. I sat outside my house, despondant, cold, shaken and in tears waiting till 4.30 to arrive. When the gentleman arrived, at felt some relief that this nightmare would come to an end, but no, the keys he brought wouldn't gain access into the building to get to my flat, upon gaining entry via asking one of the other residents to let us in, his keys again didn't fit my room, and it was now I really broke down. He left to go find another set of keys, I thought I'd try the bus depot, after even though it wasn't 6.30, it was worth a try. A bright spark, a star, the beacon or anything else you wish to call it shot up, they had a set of keys, I knew the amount of keys, what type of keys they were both them fitted the description, but what else to identify them? I couldn't recall, all I could think of was a small plastic non descript keyring. It wasn't till they mentioned a Oilers key ring bought by my friend in Denmark last year, that it became clear they had my keys. I called the estate agents, told them the news, and not to send the gentleman out with "the other keys" he'd gone to collect and off to Bolton on the bus. It was rush hour traffic though and the trip took forever. I got the keys, caught the bus home and got in just before 7.30pm.

The football that night was inconsequencial, I was in, I could eat, I could drink and get warm. I could lick my wounds, many of them were physical and also mental. Wednesday was a god awful day with one light, a big light all the same, but it couldn't brighten the day and it's going down as a very dark, dark day.

On waking yesterday to a new month, I discovered that apart from the graze on my knee, a huge bruise, and also sore ribs and bum. I really must have hit the floor with some force and yet I don't know how I fell. I also discovered that I think I may have broken my camera in the fall, but hey the way Wednesday went, it's hardly surprising to me. Anyway, yesterday arrived and I spent all day going around the differing shopping area's of Salford promoting World Aids day, and selling red ribbons. Starting in Eccles, moving to Walkden, Swinton, Pendleton (Salford) and then to the Lowry. What a contrasting day to the previous day. It was spent with wonderful people, chatting about anything and everything. Seeing the sights and sounds of Salford, and raising some money towards local charities that deal with people with HIV/Aids. I may have got home a little cold, a little hungry, but unlike the previous day my spirits had been lifted, it had been a positive day, and one where I'd been very socialable with others. Most unlike me wouldn't you say? Well I am socialable, but what I mean is one where I've been surrouded by others rather than being alone.

Returning to my entry into this post, I'm here by hoping that December follows it's humble, but beautiful start rather than following November's horrible finish. You know though, I could still do with that big hug, but friendly voices on telephone calls yesterday morning, friends in Leigh and Winchester helped me get over Wednesday and one won't forget that. Thanks one and all.

Push and Pull

2011-11-27T10:55:00.001Z

So here we are again, another morning a bright clear morning the sun is bright and not a cloud in sight. Though I've not ventured out yet, I'm distinctly aware that it's cold outside. I think the neighbours eldest proved that by only being out for 10 minutes or so practising her netball skills in the back garden. With hat, scarf and gloves on, she happily shot some hoops with equal amount of failure and success.

I've noticed in myself a distinct trait that I don't know if I like or not over the past week or so. It's really strange and one to explore. It's pushing and pulling and whilst I'm sure I've done in the past I've only recognised it now. I don't know why I do it, perhhaps I'm scared, perhaps it's a natural occurance in everyone, but I've found myself doing it this week, and whilst I'm possibly happy doing, I also feel a sense of guilt, which is nibbiling away at me as I hate to be so nasty, as that isn't in my nature. Well I say that I've had to have some sort of nastiness in me, to be as cold as I am at times, but that I think has always been an act.

The worse part for me is the pushing, as that's not fair, and whilst I am trying to write and think about it, I'm being drawn back to one notion that it's a defence mechanism, and it's kicking in, but why it's kicked in this week I don't know? I really don't? Though I've identified where I'm pushing, I've no reason to feel threatend, or endangered or at least I didn't think I did. Perhaps my own misguided senses are playing games with me, and that it's those that are causing me to do this and that of course concerns me as obviously I could have done this before and if I have, to what cost have I done so? Maybe that's why I'm in the position I am right now? Maybe that's why I'm here writing rather than enjoying other things? Oh now that's a thought, but I've got to accept that what has gone on, has done so and I won't be able to reclaim back, damage has been done and it's time to move forward.

Oh now that's a bold statement, but lets see how we go on, and now I've identified this I'll see it again and again, but having seen it, I'll be able to deal with it and perhaps prevent myself from going to far? I hope so as that could be the trick the one time I do stop and joy could be beholdeth.

It's easy to be inquisitive

2011-11-26T12:48:00.001Z

So it's Saturday lunch time, the sky can't be seen... I think it's grey, but against the back ground I just can't see it. Can we please change it at half time to blue and white???

It's been a couple of days since I last wrote in here, and whilst it would be easy to say not a lot has happened, which in many ways it hasn't, things have changed a bit. I was in London yesterday for a meeting, in the lovely new Unison building over the road from the previous headquarters. I regret not taking a few photo's of the view from the conference room we were in, as we could see all the major landmarks in London, as clear as day the view was stunning. Quite different to Manchester, and I dare say not as pretty. I say that as though it had land mark building after iconic building etc, it's so built up with nothing to see around it. In Manchester, you get the major buildings, but the hills in the background and all the lovely surrounding area's. All we got yesterday was more and more buildings.

The train ride home though was perhaps the funniest I've been on, and I say that not because it was nice to find what took place funny, but it was just the moment of it all. I'm sure that most people have been in similar situations, at one point or another. As the train we had reserved seats on had been cancelled, we got on the next train and the only seats available were some jump seats near one of the toilets. That the train was so full the door ways either side of us became full as well says how full the train was. So being surrounded by random people, was OK, no one was bothering each other till the next person along comes, quite merry and starts to chat and goodness knows what else to everyone. That's when it got funny. In the end we got back into Manchester, relieved that we'd got back, but entertained by the antics and whilst train journeys in cramped area's like that can last an age, this one didn't due no end to the comedy. I hope the young person who was rather drunk by the time we got back into Manchester is having a good time with her sister, and that the inevitable sore head she'll have isn't so bad to ruin today.

However, on with the show and I've stolen her "most important word in the world" as my word of the day. Inquisitive, I don't know where it came from in the conversations she was having with everyone, but that was the word that she loved. It is a pretty word and a pretty odd word to think of as being the best in the world, but it's not one that I use a lot unless it's like today where I'm trying to use it as often as I can. I guess I should perhaps do a write up of the meeting I was for official purposes, and of course during that write up the word will be included some how I feel, it's only fair.

December is nearly upon us, and I guess it's time to consider Xmas, though I don't know why it's just going to be any other day as far as I'm concerned. I may watch a movie or four, listen to some Xmas type music, but that's about it really, nothing else. New Year is where it's at, it's the time to start afresh, to be positive that the next 12 months will be better than the last ones, that things you want to do, will be done and things that have gone on are now firmly in the past. However, like the so called New Year Resolutions made by many a person, the above is soon forgotton and everything returns to how they were the previous year. I'll try to stay positive, and try and get things moving again, but there may be more negatives before the positives appear I feel.

The Quandry of Tops and Bottoms

2011-11-23T18:42:00.001Z

My last post suggested a struggle a struggle with my own mind over my appearance and how one part didn't perhaps meet the image that I wanted. Well it happened again, and whilst I sort of expected it too, for various reasons it hit in a different way.

So what's the quandry? Well the top isn't great, and by top I'm talking about my own top. The image I want isn't there, it's look well awful, and I'm so unhappy with that, it's driving me insane and yet I can't do anything about it. So I have to endure it, and whilst I try to do that for a few days, the people who are meant to help with that don't read, don't listen and do there own thing. That hurt today, that hurt badly as I have made it clear how they can help me, but either because they wanted to ignore me or for what ever reason they did it there way and that was wrong. I lost confidence, though the job they were doing was fine, with all things considered, it was uncomofortable, but fine. However with no confidence I lost it, and that wasn't fair on them. So I didn't show them, I've learnt a new trick how to cry out of one eye.. It's a neat trick, and one that means I can show one emotion in one eye and hide the real emotion in the other, which boosts confidence of those who are destroying mine.

With the the top is causing no end of trouble to me right now, and yet over the past few days the bottom is working wonders. I'm finding I'm losing it again the bottom is going, well slowly, but it's going which is doing my confidence a world of good. So that as you can see is the quandry, whilst it's becoming clear that I'll needs smaller clothes, and how good a ego boost is that, the other half is all negative and so I ride the fine line I've spoken of and trying to work out the mixture of emotions it's causing me. Perhaps the tops issue is a knock on effect of the orginal comment, which was a positive comment, which some how has turned into a negative. Perhaps that's me looking for something to beat myself down with after all this time? I don't think so as I'm trying to be positive about myself and have been doing such a good job of it of late. Oh I don't really know, I feel like I'm throwing emotions in the air and catching anything I can, and those that know me, know I can't catch for toffee, so I'm clutching at emotions (rather than straws I guess). One minute high, one minute low, but it isn't a depressive low, it's more self image, mixed with the loathing, but that's part and parcel of the same thing right?

I've started walking again, that helped earlier this year and it helped me lose some weight not only then, but previously, and so I guess I should continue that as I need to lose some more weight. I found that I'm walking way faster than I had realised, and was ahead of my aim from the phsyio, so I'm extending my normal walk to 5 miles a day, and have found that I can do that in just over an hour. An hour nine minutes yesterday, however I'm paying for it today, as I didn't drink enough fluids during the walk and didn't really replenish them through the day, so I've had a stinking headache all day. I'll sort that out and hit the road tomorrow, and drink plenty. I've set a target of hopefully February to get to 5 miles in an hour, if not below and the aim is to be able to walk 6 miles in about an hour by the end next year say? That would seriously help me lose some weight and I may be able to get down to the target weight quicker than I thought I would? Who knows, but what a confidence boost that would be???

A Stark Reminder.

2011-11-17T09:32:00.001Z

My previous entry was entitled fine line, and indeed it is a fine line as I've found out the past few days. It may not be the most sensible thing I've done writing today, but I feel the need to let go and see if that helps rid me of the thoughts and negativity that are currently surrounding me. I have to give everything a go right? If not and I allow this to swamp me I'll fall into the hole again and that isn't what I want, it has taken me almost 9 months to really get out of it, no matter what I said back in April/May when I turned the corner, or at any point since I think until now I hadn't planted myself down as such.

So what has happened? One comment, by a person has flipped the switch as such, and the crazy notion of it all, is that the comment was ultra positive and was meant to please me, which in an odd way it did. However the consequences of that comment have been far more wide reaching and once again self doubt, self loathing and general self pity have been creeping into my head ever since. This was reinforced on Tuesday when a menial every day task ended in me being quite shocked, quite upset and fearful. The self doubts ran rather than crept, the loathing jumped from the basement up to the top floor and the self pitying had a party as I reclused myself in my flat with the exception of one essential trip to the hospital for phsyio.

What am I going to do about it? I mean over the next few weeks it's going to be the same, near enough every week and that;'s going to be tough to beat, I don't know if or how I'm going to deal with it, other than to become an early week recluse, but is that really the answer? No, I want to be out and about, I've stress to often in here that I'm a sociable person, who likes the company of others and to be able to communicate beyond that of my keyboard and computer. If I can sort my answer out quickly I may avert a disaster, and avoid another drepressive period, which wouldn't be helped by the fact Christmas is coming up. Yes, that old chestnut Christmas. Again previous entries have stated my dislike for this period, the false hood of friendships and family are exposed by words in cards and gifts sent, which are supposed to show how much people care about each other. When in reality they don't care, they hate and dispise you, but it's Christmas and we grit our teeths to show a united happy front to the world.

I could do without Christmas and a depressive state meeting up, so how to do that? Try not to self pity, loath and doubt myself. Refrain from negative thoughts about things that have happened move on, and don't try and think about the consequences of other people's actions. That's easy enough to write, that's easy enough to say, and I've said it to myself today already, and here I am writing this. I'm going to go for a walk this morning once my hair dries, and during that walk I'm going to not think negatively, to be positive and enjoy what looks like a beautiful day outside. Go about my business with a smile and think silly things, as I did yesterday. How one can look at a picture and ask where's wally and then link that to the old tv show The Adventure Game I'm not quite sure but I did, and that was not only odd and silly, but also a stark reminder of perhaps days gone by when yes everything wasn't quite right, but I was quite far away from the fragile fine line that borders the sane and insane, the happy and sad.

The Fine Line

2011-11-12T11:16:00.001Z

After finishing last nights post I made comment on someone's facebook page, about being sensible, to which I was rebuked (rightly or wrongly I don't care). This sparked a jovial few comments and one final one from myself, which has given me something to think about. Whilst something along the lines of the post I made in here, I've sort of played with this discussion but not indepth, so I'll attempt to in here as it could go on a while.

Before that though, I ended up going out to the shops last night and picking up a few things before the supermarket shut. Now this included a "hot and spicy stir fry". I got home eager to cook this and the steak that I'd picked up cheaply. I know it's sort of cheating, but I didn't get in till past 8.30pm, so it was something quick and easy to cook. I looked on the back for an idea of how long to cook for so I'd hit that and the steak finishing at the same time. I followed the instructions, well almost, it said to open the chilli and place into the stir fry. I looked, and searched and found no sachet with chilli sauce or anything remotely like chilli in. So after faffing around for 3 or 4 minutes I quickly made a mustard chilli sauce myself and threw that over the stir fry to add some flavour to it. I knew the stir fry was marked down, I was thinking perhaps because it had no chilli sachet in, instead of checking the dates etc. Once all cooked I put the steak and stir fry on my plate and started to eat, I've made better sauces than this one and whilst the stir fry was Ok, I'd mark the overall score as 5 out of 10, the steak was perfect though a big 10. Half way through the stir fry though I spotted something, not a melted sachet packet, no I wasn't that stupid I'd have smelt that, but a nice red chilli. I wish I'd read the packaging properly, I'd just seen open chilli and place into stir fry, rather than slice and dice it.

That made me chuckle at my own stupidity, and needed to be said. I may claim to be able to cook and be able to enjoy some nice little meals now and again, but if one doesn't take note of instructions one ends up with egg on the face. Bringing myself back to the the main topic though the previous paragraph suggests a fine line between perfection and disaster, and that's where this entry is about to go. The fine line that can split everything in two, from positive to negative.

Sanity and Insanity or Depressed and Happy, or good and bad, there is a fine line between them both and I think I've walked that line so many times that I know them like family. Last night after making the final comment on a friends facebook post, I realised that whilst I feel close to the edge, as I sort of explained last night, that I was also looking back at where I'd been and how far over the edge I'd been. That sort of scared me, but what also scares me is where I am now. I think it's been so long since I've been on land" and on the good side of the edge that I'm not familiar with it, I don't know if I'm comfortable with it. I don't understand what it feels like. Yet, in the midst of this I know it's good, I know it's healthy, but I was almost wanting to turn myself around and take a flying leap back to where I'd come from.

Why though would anyone want to be that depressed again? Why would I want to torture myself again like that? The answer is I don't, I obviously stopped myself, but it's a fine line between going and doing and stopping where I am. Is the unfamiliarity of safety and happiness or what ever you want to call it that bad? Maybe it's the lack of having to fight anything and everything to get to where I am which bothers me, maybe I want to fight, I want to have to do something which I enjoy, but can I not do that when happy and content? I guess the first sign of confussion about this came on Wednesday, when I was hearing positive things said about me, but knowing in the same words lay cutting comments aimed to reprimand me. I know that small praise is good, but I guess I don't do that well. It's strange isn't it? I'm strange ain't I?

Please understand that whilst I'm exploring myself in this post, like I can do in my darkest and worse hours, this is me exploring in realtive calm, nearly content and happy. I'm not down, I'm not throwing myself into an abyss, There was a point a month or three ago when I had considered some really odd things which should have been concluded by now, but times have changed, I've moved on and my mood is better. I'm pleased I'm here and pleased I can explore like this, but it's very perculiar to be able to do so and also to have to when I assess where I am with myself right now.

The Opposite Edge

2011-11-11T18:09:00.001Z

The whoosh of the wind, the thud of the rain and the warmth of the sun just three elements I've not seen or heard today in Salford today. Though one thing is for sure I don't know the weather..This past week I've noticed how much colder it's been getting in my flat, so much so at the start of the week I got the hot water bottles out. It wasn't until Monday when I remembered that it might not be the best idea to do that, knowing what I'm like with them and what damage they can do to me. Thankfully no damage was done, and life goes on. However, I've been wearing jumpers or long sleeves inside most of the week to keep my arms warm, as they do appear to be getting cold rather quickly and more noticable for some reason. The strange thing is, that on going out of my flat I can't say that I've actually felt the cold this past week, it's been rather mild. Today it's been t-shirt all day, no jumper on at all, it's been rather mild inside, though on going out this afternoon, I was bloody perished. So why it's getting warmer inside when it's getting colder outside I don't know as I've not even had any heating on since March.

So insignificant, the above is, but that's life! Full of the mundane, odd little tweaks here and there. I sit now thinking of something to eat, trying to push back when I start to make something, so that I'm not going to feel hungry later, and also contemplating going and getting something for tea rather than making. I'd be on soup and pasta if I make and whilst I know I'll enjoy it, it's just not jumping up and down with me right now. So I don't know, what I'll do, but whatever I will eat, I'm not not going to eat. I'm not that stupid (I am, but not tonight), I know I need to eat, it would be dangerous for me not to.

It's Friday alreay and this week has flown by in a blur and I mean that, it hardly seems like 7 days, am I glad about that? I don't know, perhaps I am, but maybe because I've not been worrying to much about boredom or anything else is why it seems to have been like a rocket ship. I have been busyish, with a trip to Leigh (as is the norm now) and a meeting last night which went well. So I guess things have broken the norm as such of my week and that's been helpful. I'm half considering trying to phone a friend, but I know that she won't answer, she'll be tired, busy or out, so it's hardly worth the call. I'm not sure I've got lots to say, but I just feel that a real conversation would be nice tonight. I've been like this for a week or two now, in need of a real conversation, but as each day goes by the need gets stronger, but the amount of material seems less, and the importance of that is now next to nothing. So why do I still yearn for such a thing?

Now for the strange part to this blog, and it is really strange. I feel on edge, right on it. I know I'm safe, but I'm actually pushing back to safety rather than wanting to go over. I don't even know why I'm feeling like this, as everything is 100%, so something has put me where I am, or perhaps I'm just seeing land for the first time in a long long time and not really understanding what it's all about. It's confusing and fun all at the same time, and possibly the most perculiar thing about this, is that it's more positive than negative, hmm when did that happen? Has it happened? Time will only tell, so I'm going to try and enjoy this period, and figure out what the hell I'm having for tea.

Curiosity ...

2011-11-07T19:09:00.002Z

As it's Monday, and gone beyond 18.30, it must be time for Radio 4, and the comedy half hour. Tonight is the final episode of the current series of the Museum of Curiosity, which I've only found over the past 5 or 6 weeks. I've got to say this is a very quaint series, which whilst being informative is also very funny. I wish I'd found this series a few years back, as this is the forth season by all accounts.

So why post? Well to be honest today has been rather positive as I've had a visit to the dentist and everything was very good. In fact I was quite shocked as I thought I was just seeing the hygienist but no it was the dentist as well. It wasn't that bad or scary either, and that is something. I'm feeling rather positive right now, in fact I'm feeling rather chipper. I wish I could write something really funny, but I can't right now nothing springs to mind.

Just going back to the first paragraph, may I recommend anyone able to go listen to the said programme on iplayer, the Admirl on it is very funny considering he's one important person. I dread to think how the Navy survived considering the tales he's been telling. It could only be the British Navy.

When I'm in moods like this I often find it hard to write or at least to be natural, but perhaps practise makes perfect, so if this sounds forced I'm sorry. I've done not a lot today, apart from the dentist, though I have sent off 3 job applications and 8 ticket applications for shows at the BBC. I wonder how many I'll get a response from. I'm betting it's going to be zero, but hey ho if I don't try, what hope of obtaining do I have? I do hope I get something back from the BBC, as I've applied for quite a few things of late and heard nothing, It's not that I don't understand that spaces are limited, but just one bit of luck would be nice and of course the chance to get out and do something different for a change. Such is life though, one thing I will have to do soon and perhaps I should do tomorrow I guess is try and find when I last had my bloods tested, and see if I need to get them done soon. It's normally every 3 months, so I think I may be due something soon. Which will also mean that I can get my weight checked properly, I was told today that I looked as if I'd lost weight again, though I'm not 100% sure I have, but we'll see. If I have I'll be happy of course.

Life goes on, and so I will close this post, I'll go and watch "Have I got A bit More News for You", and come back on line to see if I've upset a few people with a post in a forum. I know I will have, or my post will have sparked some reaction, and it won't be a positive one to myself, but hey that's my view, I'm actually quite happy with my views on that topic. Others may or may not like it, but I don't care, it's mine and I'm sticking by it and that's important.

Aim, Target, Write...

2011-11-06T19:40:00.001Z

Oh well, here we are in November, the clocks have gone back and it's getting dark by 5 O'Clock, winter is upon us. So this is the first post this month and really I should try and get up to 500 posts by the end of the calendar year. This year has already been one of the most productive in this blog. Mainly due to the horrible spring that I had this year.

So where do I find myself today or should that be tonight? Well it's a funny place to be honest and one I've been in since probably Wednesday last week. I think I want to talk to someone, communicate with someone about anything really. I'm not feeling terribly lonely, but I just wish to engage with the outside world. It isn't much to ask really is it? Well perhaps it is, when I consider who I am, what I have done and how I've been, but hey what I've done and how I've been help define who I am, and that whilst I'd like to think was a good person, is open to debate by others.

I think one of my issues is that I've got nothing to do tonight, I've caught up with all the tv shows that I've been watching, I've not got any films that I want to watch, well that's not true, I have got films I want to watch, but the dvd's are with my niece, and well that's a tale for the next paragraph.

We were, well no I had spoke to her yesterday wondering if she wanted to go to see a local firework display as it was bonfire night, and she was up for it. We've not done anything together since we went to see Harry Potter 7 part 2 or what ever. So it would have been nice to go up, let her go on the fair if she had so wanted and watched the fireworks and come home. She texted me in the afternoon,though to tell me her dad had decided to tell her then they were going to a neighbours house instead and she couldn't come. Well I sort of expected that, but it was so late that it hurt. So I stopped in instead and caught up on one or two things. I know they (my sister and bro-in-law) don't like me, I know they don't like me talking to my niece, but they won't stop me as much as they try.

That was then, I'm over it, but what to do tonight? Well apart from write this I don't know. I was hoping to watch something, but as I can't find where it is to watch then I'll have to wait till later in the week. Not that I'm to bothered, but with Monday and Tuesday's being the busy days for watching tv, I'd be happier for one less show to watch. Mind you I've added a show to Monday today, so I shouldn't moan too much when I'm still finding shows to watch. I'll leave it here, I'm not sure what will happen, perhaps I'll find a film to watch, it's been a while since I watched Milk, or The Kids are Alright. Maybe I'll go find a comedy to watch, I could do with something to chuckle at. My goodness that's it, let's go find a chuckle brothers dvd to watch. OK perhaps not.

Double Helix

2011-10-28T15:23:00.002+01:00

It's Friday the end of the week and the weather has picked up again. It's a bright sunny day, with what looks like a healthy breeze shooting across the trees outside. I've not been out to see how cold it is, but I have a fair idea judging on the past few days.

So I've got that bloody tune out of my head and I'm feeling better for it, but now to replace that, I've got the munchies, and there isn't anything in to munch on. I could go out and buy something, but I don't want to and so I'm left in limbo almost. Perhaps I may have to go out and purchase something, but what that would be I don't know and I'd be tempted to purchase more than just the one item. We'll see how things go, I do have to pop out and buy some veg in the morning, and so I may just grab something then, and see if I can last till then. However, eating less will do me good of course.

So the end of October approaches and November arrives and that sort of indicates it's winter, but more than ever of late, days are bluring together, names of days, dates, and names of months are becoming meaningless. It's morning, afternoon and night, all over again, I try to rid myself of the boredom by doing other stuff, but that's only taking the boredom away for a short period, not competely. This is why the other week I watched a tv series back to back all six seasons of it. To take away the boredom factor. No wait, this isn't right, this isn't boredom you know, well it is. This is partly due to the previous paragraph. I've so rigidily got into a routine of when I eat, when I don't, when I go and chat to freinds, and when I don't that with that routine breaking this week, I'm all at see. This is perhaps how things would be if I didn't have a routine to keep me in check, this is what it would be like if I couldn't step back and obvserve the crazy thoughts and ideas that I spew out of my mind.

Maybe I'm jealous of others, maybe I need something new, though of course we've been down that road so many times. Yet right now I'm not on a downer, I'm not even near to that, though some might think it, however I'm actually on a level surface. Content, and chipper, could be happier and would have been had a certain person not got back to me very late yesterday and could have organised something with me. However we will sort something out at some point. No it's a odd mood and not knowing that I feel today. I'm feeling a chill in the air, but I'm not cold, I'm wanting to eat something, but then don't, wanting to do something different, yet not. It's almost a double helix, but where something are going down, whilst the others are going up. I give up, I'm not going to explore further that may cause a problem, but I've spent a good few minutes writing in here and that's killed some time and changed the day and given me something to think about. That's good, it has to be, well to keep the simple brain cells I own active to a degree.

The Entertainer!!!

2011-10-26T12:55:00.003+01:00

Some times, I can go weeks without having something annoy me. Some times it's days or hours. Right now it's something that I'm doing that's annoying me. I've got the theme from the movie "The Sting" in my head, "The Entertainer" as it's called is driving crazy. Now OK, it isn't that bad in terms of musicality, but it's a song that has a history of driving me crazy. As a child, the next door neighbour's children were both in the local Youth Orchestra, and whilst the son played the trumpet, he'd practise in the back room, which was where we had our living room. All we'd head were the muffled sounds of him practising his scales, then when he finished his sister would come in and practise. As she played the piano, her choice of of song was "The Entertainer". Now listening to that 2 hours a night, 7 nights a week for near enough 4 or 5 years, is it any wonder it can drive me crazy??

So why I've got it in my head right now I don't know, but I want to rid myself of it. I find myself whistling away and then have to stop and think of something else. It's stupid I know, and it shouldn't bother me, but the bloody tune is getting to me. I've just realised that I'm tapping the tune with my foot as I type. I tap my feet anyway at times, but not to any beat, till I'd spotted that then. AAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

On another note, life goes on day after day. The seasons are changing the temperatures dropping quicker than the leaves from the trees, and it is only a matter of time before we see houses putting up decorations for Christmas. I know it's 60 days away, but the rush for it to come get's quicker every year. However, I wonder under the current economic situation how many people will be decorating the outside of the houses as much as they had started to? The cost of the electric for houses that do that must be huge, so I'm guessing with all the rises in fuel bills it's got to prevent some people right?? Though I must say the Trafford Centre (local shopping mall) are switching on it's Xmas lights tomorrow, which is just plain stupid if you ask me. Even though Halloween hasn't always been a big event as it currently is in the UK, we've had Bonfire Night/Guy Fawlkes night on Nov 5th to celebrate with fireworks and fires, we should be letting them be celebrated first before we start to think about Christmas.

Enough of my ranting on that subject, it comes out every year and I do nothing and no matter how hard I'd try I wouldn't be able to change the way things are going. So I'll rant in my own world and allow those who read my muses a little insight into my little fixations. It's the one door into me that I allow everyone I guess, though how much of a door I don't know. However, it's there.

Distractions

2011-10-21T20:45:00.000+01:00

Things have been rather quiet of late, I've reclused myself to watching a tv show from the 1990's from episode 1 through till the very end. I hadn't seen that series all the way through ever before, and whilst I'd seen so many of the episodes in sporadic bursts and out of order. However now I've seen the complete series, I see that really they had no sequencial order and very few story lines went through each seasons.

What this has done has taken me away from the hustle of every day life. I may not be up to much, but doing what I've done has helped me, as I was starting to find parts of the day a drag, and now I feel that I can attack days again and not to feel bored and down. I'll see how long I last before I have to decide on another tv series I fancy reliving or starting afresh with.

So how am I mentally? I'm free flowing, happy and free of worry for now. Events move on and whilst I wish I could do other things with myself and with my life and enjoy events, I'm well aware that I can't and will have to make do with other things and to try and enjoy them to the maximum. I've got things to do over the weeks to come and that's going to keep me distracted as that is a good thing.

I'm about to embark on listening to a weeks worth of radio shows for the rest of the night, which is going to be fun as I said in a previous entry recently I'm really enjoying listening to the radio of late, and that means Radio 4, and 4 extra. It's nice to pick up these shows post broadcast as I've spent so much time of late away from here, and more concerned about the watching the tv series. Life's good and I'm contended, it's not often I can say that, but I am. Somehting is around the corner for sure to knock that out of my life, but whilst I can, I'm going to enjoy myself.

Freindship Defined

2011-10-14T13:56:00.002+01:00

Some 3 weeks or so ago now I got asked a question, a question that I couldn't answer straight away, not because I was asked not to, but because I couldn't answer it that simply. I've spent some the time since then trying to find the answer to the question, trying to find an answer that didn't match my first thoughts, my only real answer. It has taken me time, and many avenues of thought to realise that initial thoughts may be the only answer I can give.

Whilst not wishing to disclose the question or the person that asked the said question, I'm going to write an entry here, that perhaps may throw some clues as to what the question was, and might help me. That seems a strange thing to say considering what I'm thinking about, but I guess in a way it can't be helped.

Oh no, a rule has been broken, and I'm going to have to fix it. Easily done me thinks, I have since I started this blog tried not to start a new paragraph with the same letter as the previous one, nor to use the same word twice as a paragraph opener. In the second paragraph, I've started with "so", which of course is an S word. Thankfully, I can remove that without really altering the sentence. however, it's possibly one of the few times that I've never thought about what I've written. That's odd, and perhaps another post today or tomorrow to look into that reason.

Friendship, what does it mean? I could quote the dictionary, but I'm convinced that whilst the dictionary may offer a definitive description of it's meaning, it's cold and basic. For different people it means different things, some things within a friendship means more for one person than another and vise versa. What does friendship means to me??

I think for me, friendship entails lots of aspects, I'm not one for allowing people close to me easily I've always felt that I've had to have defences due to my nature. So what makes me allow anyone to get close to me? They have to be kind, caring, humourous, understanding, accepting and honest to begin with. People display these attributes in various ways, and everyone is different, I think that in my many years of my life I've probably allowed 5 or 6 people whom I've met to be called friend. Of them I'll say only 1 has been constant, and she'll be the constant for my whole life, Why that is I'm not sure, I could blame myself for being a horrible person, but I think that perhaps my own sense of what a friend is makes me seem demanding and a very difficult person to know. I guess that I hold up all friendships I have with the one I have with my best friend.

Communication is vital in any friendship and I guess that my idea of what communication between friend is too much. I sort of expect that communication should be two way, as should a friendship. One of the things that bothers me within friendships is lack of communication towards myself. I guess that I enjoy writing, meeting and chatting with those whom I call friends. I tend to write emails, message via any instant messaging programme, but much prefer talking or meeting. I accept that many of my friends live many miles away from myself, so phone calls are nice. However it's very rare that I speak to my friends via the phone. That's something that I miss, active communication. No sorry it's not miss, it's something that doesn't happen often enough. It's instant, it can give an idea of emotion within the person whom we are communicating with.

This post was supposed to be a definition of friendship, but I don't think I've got it, I've not written it perfectly. However, I hope I've managed to convey some of the meaning of freindship to myself. I know it's only brief and conceptual but perhaps it's helping me in trying to define my own answer a bit better when I email my friend with the answer to the question that they have asked me.

Autumn

2011-10-08T11:14:00.000+01:00

Oh 17 days since I last wrote anything, and in those 17 days myself and my best friend have both turned 40. Not that we had our best birthdays ever mind you, still always next year. Perhaps we may have to turn back the clock and consider returning to celebrating ourselves, though that will mean me having money to spend.

So it's a Saturday the sky is grey and though I've not been outside, I can see it's raining. It looks like that misty rain that soaks you to the bone before you realise it. The weather has certainly taken a turn for the worse here of late. Last week we reached the dizzy heights of 29 degrees, record temperatures for October and late September. Talk about being an Indian Summer wasn't in it, it was like summer all over again. Now in a few short days, the temperature has dropped and it feels like it's winter already and that we've missed out the beautiful days of autumn.

As for me, I'm fine I guess. As previously stated, I can't say I had a great birthday, but I'm no lover of birthdays as I've said before in this blog. They remind me of so many negative things, that I try to block them out, and perhaps that's why I enjoy the second birthday a bit more, but then nobody else recognises that, so it's a no win situation for myself. I've started to attend a new social group and have been invited to another, which is good news. It gives me another reason to go out once a month and possibly make new freinds which of course is a reoccuring theme here.

I've started to fill the days with lots of tv shows of late, the new season of shows has been good, with many shows returning and plenty of good new ones. One or two I've watched and given up on or have been axed which is unfortunate. However, that's the way the monkey works and I'm used to it. So at least I'm not drifting along not doing much. Saying that I've watched everything today, I'm not really looking at going out to do anything today, no football to watch as it's an international break, so today could be a very long day. I don't know what I'll end up doing, but I'll do something or other. Life goes on and things sort themselves out for sure.

Transport

2011-09-21T14:11:00.000+01:00

Hmm, the other day I wrote about odd dreams and how I'd driven a double decker bus and corrected my style of driving by recalling a previous dream. Well the following night I again had a dream with transport as a running theme.

Now I can't recall exactly why I was in America, nor could I tell you why in a previous dream on the same night I'd been packed off in a black cab heading to London from Winchester. Anyway that's not that odd, compared to the second dream, where by I was being brought back to the UK, on the back of a floating banana thing, but a small speed boat. Whilst this was taking place I was annoying (me do something like that? never!) the others on the inflateable by talking about shark attacks. Within minutes though I was tied up on the back of a truck going through some country and finally onto a train going through China, and pulling up at some cartoon theme park.

Why I've had dreams about all modes of transport of late I don't know it is odd that they followed each other. However, dreams are dreams and I may well have been thinking about the previous dream, before sleeping the following night. I don't know, I can't recall that.

As for me, I'm doing well I think. I'm being very careful in terms of what I'm doing and why I'm doing things of late, trying to get myself straight and with some freedom to do the odd thing for myself rather than just living. I think that's why I enjoy last Saturday when I ended up at Cavfest, it was a bonus to get out and to be enjoying myself. Now the question is though, and it's only now that I can ask this. Why when I went out on Saturday, didn't I have a second thought? Why didn't I have a panic attack, like the other week? You know I can ask myself that I can throw answers at it, perhaps start to chip away to get the answer, but as I do that I come up with crazy answers, which I either shouldn't come up with, or are totally stupid. Even those that I shouldn't come up with are daft idea's that I can't even begin to explain why I even considered that to be a possible answer. I'm going to have to leave that till another day, I'm starting to feel that knot in my stomach again, which isn't healthy.

So back to me, I'm being positive, I'm trying to plod along with life, trying to think of what's around the corner and what isn't. I'm even coming to the conclusion that I'm getting old. Over the past few days I've listened to more shows from Radio 4 than I've ever done in my life. I don't know why, but it's been fun to listen to and interesting as well. I know I've been listening to Just A Minute for nearly 20 years now, but that's been like 2 or 3 series a year with about 6 or 8 shows in each series. I've been listening to 5 others shows since Monday, I always thought Radio 4 was for the oldies, and so I'm finally joining that group... Oh well, the group along will be pensioner, but that's going to be years and years and years away yet.

Odd Dreams

2011-09-19T15:09:00.001+01:00

I didn't type anything yesterday for sure. and so this is going to be slightly odd I guess. Now it isn't often one remembers a dream you have. However I have a vivid recollection of the dream I had on Saturday/Sunday night, nothing in that as I said it occasionally happens. However, this dream was odd, odd in the fact that in the middle of it I corrected something that was taking place in my dream.

OK, this isn't odd, nor is it earth shattering, but it's the first time I've ever correct myself in a dream, because of something I've done in a previous totally unrelated dream. That's the odd thing about it, unlike the previous dream I had, in this one I didn't steal the double decker bus I was driving, this time I volunteered to go back with it to it's depot, after it's "driver" had left it. I can't recall why they'd left the vehicle, but they had. Strange things happen in dreams, but this bus had an auto driver fitted and was following it's programmed route, but I decided to take this off and drive it myself, stupid of me I know but hey ho. At which point I started to drive a bit too quickly for a vehicle that big, and after tunring down a road, found myself jumping onto the pavement. It was here that I remembered my previous dream, and corrected myself by telling myself that I couldn't drive to fast with this thing.

That I then had to take a diversion which ended in a dead end wasn't my fault that was the stupid dream, but I did correct the speed and found driving that bus so much more easier, the only thing missing was the music, as I couldn't find the on/off button for the radio. I don't know why I dreamt this dream, nor do I know how or why I recalled the previous dream with me driving a similar vehicle, however it's a first for me and one I'm quite shocked about. Shocked in a good way I think, it's given me much to ponder at a time when I've got little to think about.

Special Moments

2011-09-16T14:12:00.003+01:00

As I begin to write this blog, I know that I may start crying or getting emotional whilst typing away. I've an idea where I'm going with this entry and that's why I know what's going to happen.

Some things are special, be it an item, be it a person, a song, a book etc, we've all got something special to ourselves. Then ocassionally something special happens in a moment, that lots of people feel, that lots of people hold dear to themselves, all at the same time. Yesterday was one of those moments where lots of people around the world smiled, and will hold for a long time to come.

I'm sure that you are all aware that I love sport, and sport can bring these special moments described above to lots of people and yesterday it did just that. Lancashire won Cricket's County Championship, maybe not headline sports news around the world, but for those of us who follow country cricket and not just the Test Matches, played by nations from around the world, it was headline news. It's been 77 years since Lancashire last won this title, we've finished runners up numerous times inbetween then and now, and even shared the title, in 1950, but never won it on our own since way back in 1934.

So that moment when the winning runs were hit, some may have watched on tv, some like myself may have heard on the radio, or others might have been reading twitter, facebook or sports feeds from around the world, who were born and bred in the glourious and most important county of Lancashire would have had a smile, and had a feeling that of which few of us would have experienced before watching county cricket.

No one though could have predicted the manor in which the title was won, Shakespeare, Bronte, Dickens, Christie and any other author would have to have to have written at least 10 attempts each to come close to capturing the drama, the nerves and and joy of the final day of the season yesterday. Sport has that ability to create these moment, to make mockery of what is expected and what isn't. Sport produces moments that can change peoples lives positively or negatively. So soon after the horrible plane crash in Russia which wiped away a hockey team, which led to gloom and dooom into the sports side of my life, Lancashire have wiped the clouds away and the sun is shining, brighter than ever.

The only negative throught that I had about yesterday, is that my dad wasn't alive to see this, he loved his cricket, and upon speaking to my Aunt in Canada last night she was reminising about her, my dad, and friends spending summer days at the cricket watching Lancashire at Old Trafford. Not once did they see them win the championship. She agree with my thought that if there is an after life, my dad and my grand dad for that matter would be raising a glass of something to toast the victory. Me, I had a cup of tea, not exactly champagne, but it was just as sweet.

Well Done Lancashire, praise for Warwickshire for the worthy fight for the title. Cricket was the winner yesterday, the tension, the drama and the polar differences of joy and despair, shows that whilst the one day game is entertaining, the origianal game is still as strong, still as entertaining and can produce moments that yesterday....

Lancashire Cricket Club, County Cricket Champions 2011......

It's lost

2011-09-09T17:16:00.001+01:00

It's the end of the week, it's certainly autumnal now, and so the window is now closed. That being the bedroom window, it won't be opened again till next year now, unless we get the indian summer that I can but hope for.

When you lose something it hurts, when you lose something and you think you know why, but can't quite say yes that's why it's hurts and it confuses, which isn't a good combination. That's how things are right now, but whilst I'm slightly confused, I think I've enough sense in me to move on, let things calm down. I'm not going to go chasing my tail, because it's in front of me. I need to relax, stop thinking stupid things, stop wishing for things that won't happen and get back into the real world. That's not to say I'm not in the real world right now, I certainly am, but my thoughts sometimes I catch myself imagining things that perhaps I should be doing.

So what am I doing to keep calm over the situation? Well I'm trying to ignore the fact, trying to tell myself that it's not important, and trying to tell myself that life is such that this loss, may be painful, but it isn't my doing, though in a way it was, no the correct phrasiology should be it's not of my choosing. I'll turn a corner, and see what I can see, it may be positive, it may be negative, but such is life that one can but deal with it when it arrives. I've fought all my life for acceptance, and have given more than I perhaps should have to get that, but it ends up back in my face most times through trying too hard or my own expectations. Who knows what tomorrow brings, but the thing I'm certain of it will bring another day and another night.

Foibles

2011-09-06T13:08:00.001+01:00

Whilst I reflect on the weekend, I've found a slight calm that is slowly washing over me. I'm still no wiser to what went on, on Saturday night, but I'm not going to dwell too long on it. I should point out that I sent an email to a friend on Sunday discussing the event after posting in here, and whilst my stomach churned once more it wasn't quite as bad as previously. It's grumbling now, but I'm not sure if that isn't due to it being lunch time.

I'm going to endeavour to put Saturday behind me, use it as a one off, I've got to try and move on and carry on looking forward. One or two things are in the pot at the moment, which could be promising, though they can not be disclosed. However, they are positives and that's what I need to be or need to look for. I know I have some fears, and they are fears that I may once never have had, but then I write that and start to think back and I've always had them, they just didn't manifest in the way they did on Saturday. I used to hate the volunteer nights I used to do with the social workers at Barnardo's. The amount of times I'd fret over a big group session like those and once I got going I was fine. I'd throw or kick balls at walls to get rid of tension or anger or fear. It's basically the same thing. Hmm, interesting that I'd blocked that out for so long, and yet I've done things where I've had to stand up in front of bigger groups and groups of elders, peers etc and speak, since without many worries.

Oh the quirkiness of life, and the foibles of my personality. I guess it's something that I've got live with, but I just hope it never mannifests like that again. So still no phone call from the county courts office, I know I said I'd give it till the end of the week, but I'm all but sure that I've not got a position. Back to the drawing board I guess and lets see what I can find, and hopefully to get another interview soon. I doubt it, but I'm not going let it kill me. I know my strengths, and weakneses, I know I'm happy with the jobs I'm looking at are posts that I feel I can do, and even if others don't feel that way I'm confident in my own abilites. I'm confident that the positions I'm failing to get it's them that are making the mistake of not employing me, rather than me making mistakes with application forms etc.

And so to life. it's OK. I guess the poor weather is a factor in not wanting to do much. It's been raining, windy and cold. Till now which is 13.04, I'd not seen anything other than clouds, I can see a thin rip in the clouds showing some blue sky behind. However it is thin and shrinking. Where as before it was slate grey and as dark as it is at 8pm this morning till way past 9am, it's now a bit brighter the sliver of blue was engulfed by the white clouds, which is keeping the far nastier looking grey clouds at bay. In other words it'sa bloody awful day here in Salford. It feels like winter, though we are still in the last throws of summer, it's now we should be hoping for an Indian summer, but it isn't going to be forthcoming at this rate. It would be nice as it's been the coldest summer in the UK for near enough 20 years, not since 1992 I think they said last week have we had a colder summer.

Panic in the houses of Liverpool

2011-09-04T16:19:00.001+01:00

Oh wow, I have to write, but where do I start? Why after years of being able to walk out where ever I want with whom, did I fall so badly back into a situation full of anxiety and fear? Why did it have to happen yesterday when it did?

I'm trying to work it out honestly, and methodically, so I can understand the stupidity of it all. It was stupid, it was crazy, and I don't know what happened. I'm sure some of my friends will say that it's repeating old habbits and god it was, but I'd got over that, or I thought I had.

What happened? Well I got changed to go to a friends wedding, I checked my outfit in the mirror and froze, I don't know why, but I felt awful, I felt I looked awful, I felt I was underdressed and was going to be laughed at etc. All my safety nets for this sort of thing crumbled and I couldn't move out of the bedroom to go downstairs and join the group who were chatting away. The louder they got the more scared I got, the more I was spinning around in my head what to do, could I do the ultimate and get changed, walk downstairs not be seen and vanish? From the rotating locations of the voices downstairs that was impossible, as we a windown jump, though crazier than anything, it was considered. I eventually had to take a AD tablet which wasn't what I wanted and that started to have an effect. Yet it still took time to get me downstairs. Unlike previous years though (oh god my stomachs is turning just going back over this, what has triggered this and how it's effecting me.), I did decide to go out, and whilst I really enjoyed myself I don't think I was comfortable with myself all night, I guess not knowing many people didn't help and that's something that used to bother me, but never like that.

However, what's done is done and now for the come down, and the look back to see why I ended up in this situation, what caused the fear the panic and the sheer terror. I really can't see what it was, maybe as I'd been on tenterhooks during the day for other things, that's had put me on the presapis, I'm not sure, why now though as I write this am I starting to feel bad again, why is this terror and horror returning when I'm sat at home typing this? What ever struck me is a bit deeper than I thought, and much stronger than anything that's gone before. Considering I'd gone swimming the other week, that should have been a piece of cake... I'm almost lost for words about it. I can't even offer an explanation, which is unusal for me, so I'm going to have to take a serious look at this and explore myself more to seek answers.

A new month, a new year.

2011-09-02T11:20:00.001+01:00

Oh so I start this post in a new month with a new interface design in which to write, which looks a bit simpler than the previous version. So far so good with it, and so on with the show as they say.

I have reasons to write, I've had an intervew recently, however as they said they'd contact me at the start of this week and I've heard nothing my hopes of hearing anything are falling. I'm not giving up hope, as they told me when I sent the application off that I'd hear by the 25th March if I had an interview or not, but it was only 2 weeks ago that they called and asked me in for the said interview. The longer though it goes the less likely I'll hear anything and whilst it's a shame, and whilst I'd set my heart on this post when I applied and it was a contributing factor to the horrific months of February through April, where I was very down, I'm not going to let this get to me.

Whilst I've been waiting for the phone call or mail with regards this post I've had little moments where I've questioned myself over it. I've had small moments where I've felt really down, but I realise that this was always going to be a wing and a prayer, I've no experience, I told them that in the interview, perhaps not the wisest move, but it was an honest move as I don't have any office job experience. My honesty might work against me, but I don't want to go in and shout my praises and fail badly, I want to be honest, I want to sell myself and make them want to give me a chance. I gave it my best last week and so I sit and wait, but knowing that I'm probably the least likely to get the post because of the above, I move on.

Talking of moving on, or should I say moving! I had an appointment with a doctor over my knees on Wednesday. I had to laugh after talking about the problems, he asked me to lock my knees back, the bad knee as such cracked so loudly that he winced and another doctor poked her head around the curtains to see if everything was alright. It was, but it was funny as it doens't normally crack like that. He ordered some X-Rays, and found some debris in the knee, but nothing that warrents going in and cleaning it up as of yet. The cruciate is a bit weak, but that he thinks is due to the previous surgery I've had on it. What he did find though was that my quads aren't supporting my knee as much as they should. This he feels is why I'm having so many problems with it of late. So I'm going to get some rehab on them.

All these issues above and you know what? I'm feeling a bit good, maybe it's because it's September, maybe it's because I'm being positive and am seeing things differently, I don't know but things seem to be OK. I guess hearing my eyes are fine, that my knee won't need surgery yet etc, is convincing me that the aches and pains that I've been feeling on and off over the summer are nothing more than aches and pains and nothing any more serious than that. What I do know is that I'm on solid ground at the moment and that's good.

September will be bringing lots of things this year. I've got another open water swim session to do, which I'm looking forward to, a wedding, and this year a small matter of a birthday that should be bigger than it is. I say that as I'm going to be 40 by the time next month starts. Wow!!! I guess that I should celebrate as at times over the years I never thought I'd get near being 40. However, 40 years is a heck of a long time, it sort of makes me feel OLD, I know it's very much middle age, but when I speak to some people that I know, and I see that they are either in the 20's or younger I start to realise just how bloody old I am. These are people who may well have been born after I'd left school, let alone was still at school. Age is of course just a number, but sometimes it hits you like a brick shot out of a brick throwing machine. I'm not alone though, my best friend will be 40 a few days later, and though she loves to remind me I'm the old git of us both, this time next month we'll both be the same age. Crimes how long does that mean our friendship is? 35+ years I think it is? All I know is that in Lisa, I've got the greatest friend in the world, I will never find a friend as good as she's been. Thanks Lisa.

Intervierw!!

2011-08-22T13:33:00.002+01:00

A very quick post here, I've got a job interview or should I say an informal chat about a job in about an hour from now. I'll be leaving in about 10 to 15 minutes to go and get the bus to take me to the interview and I should be there a good 15 minutes or so before the interview.

I'm not too nervous about this to be honest, I'm not frazzling myself over it, which is a surprise the only issue I have is that I've got a bit of a sore throat, but I'm taking measures over that. So I guess, I'm leaving very little unturned. I am going to give this a 110% go as I really want this post, whilst it may only be short term, it's a job and a foot back into the job market.

That's it for now, I may write some more when I get back in, but then I'm off out again tonight swimming, so I don't know. Maybe tomorrow or Wednesday. However, I will give anyone the outcome, once it arrives...

Busy, busy, busy!!!

2011-08-17T10:07:00.002+01:00

It's not to warm, it's not to cold, the clouds are a mixture of grey and white but with plenty of blue behind them. Ordinary perhap? I guess you could describe it as that, it's an ordinary day in this part of the world.

It's that ordinariness that perhaps stiffles me to be quite honest, I've got no plans to do much. I fancy going for a walk, but a walk where to or how far I don't know. I just don't feel motivated. I'm a bit excited as I'm making sure that I go down to Salford Quays early on Saturday to do some open water swimming. It will be the first time I've done anything like that, though of course I did do some open water swimming a few years back up in Lancaster with Lauren and Leanne. Oh that was beautiful day, even if I did rip my foot open, but that was my own stupid fault. Still it was so much fun and the water wasn't that cold once you got in. So I'm looking forward to that this Saturday.

Next week is a busy one, which is good. I'm out swimming again on Monday this time with Marlin for the Pride Pool Party, I'm trying to think of someone to take along with me. I know who I had in mind, but I've not spoken to them for a while, so perhaps not. We'll wait and see, but that should be fun. Then I've an interview in Eccles next Tuesday, not a job interview unfortunatly. Then Thursday I've got blood tests in the morning, which hopefully will ease my fears over my health, though my luck suggests otherwise. Later on Thursday I am at a short film festival in Manchester, where I can possibly have a drink. As I probably won't drink between now and next Thursday. Saturday is then Pride in Manchester and the parade. I think I'll go and join the parade, but I'm not sure who for yet, either Unison or the Trans group. It would be my first actual parade to be a part of, but it's probably the only way I'll get to join in this year.

Wow it's busy next week which I suppose is good news, it gets me out of the flat, and it engages my mind. That's all positive and can only help me. I just wish other weeks were as engaging.

Hurdles

2011-08-14T09:59:00.002+01:00

You know I couldn't remember writing in here this month, and yet I'd last posted on the 4th. Does that mean that I've been so busy I've forgot about it or that I've had so little to do that trying to recall what I've done is hard? I don't know however, it does mean that I've posted something even if I've not read it before starting to write this entry.

Well things haven't changed that much of late, but while I look at where I am, I think I've progressed some how. I think and this is just me, I have caught my own fall down the hole that is depression, without having to use any medication to pull me back. I'm climbing back up, though it was only a small fall, I spotted it early and threw out a safety net. I think I've pushed people away from me again, which isn't nice, it isn't pleasing to hear, but what can I do?

That's something that bothers me, why do people feel that I'm pushing them away? I don't do that? I resort back to type I know, I become more proactive rather than thinking in what I say, and whilst I shoot from the hip, half the time I do so I do in jest. Now that's the way I am, when I'm stable, I think about what I'm going to say, yes it's shot from the hip, but there is some thought to it, and so why do people think that I'm pushing them away when I'm not thinking about it? Is it offensive? I don't think I am, am I defensive towards myself? I wouldn't say so in one respect. I do build walls up when I'm down, which I guess does isolate myself, but it's not external to myself, in that there is a wall around everyone, we all have them, just that when I'm down, I tend to build a second, inner wall to protect me from what ever is causing my issues. Which more often than not is loneliness. So building a second inner wall perpetuates the mood I'm in, so why do I do that? You know I don't know. Perhpas it's some sort of security blanket I don't know, but perhaps by putting extra barriers up, it looks like I'm pushing people away, when all I want is for them to clamber over and them to help me.

That's something to explore at a later date, I'm in a good mood right now, and whilst the pain of the last week of the problems in terms of public disorder in London, Manchester and Salford, is healing, The reasons as to why are in need to be explored by others. I'm sure the populus of the land and the world have there own thoughts and idea's as to why everything exploded, and I'm sure that when the official reports are published they'll probably claim that it wasn't political, as I'm sure the government will influence them, to avoid having to take any blame and further ailentate themselves from the voting public than they already have.

On a brighter note, the football season is upon us, United play there first game of the league season today, and so starts another 9 month season, which will be full of ups, down's and everything inbetween. It is remarkable how a game involving the kicking of a bag wind is so enthralling. I wish I knew why it was so popular, and take that and create my own sport and make my fortune promoting it..

Cryptic

2011-08-04T18:42:00.002+01:00

I've calmed down a lot since my rant earlier in the day, yes I still feel the same way about myself and my family, and yes things will have to change. However I've got another bug bear.

I guess that at times I like to leave cryptic messages and I do that lots in here, not so much else where, but right now someone has left me a cryptic message or should I say a message with a cryptic slant aimed right at me. Now OK, I shouldn't let it get to me, but it has. Why can't they get intouch with me? I know I'm not open for chat on facebook, but my phone takes text messages, my landline rings, so why not use that? Why not send an email? It's one of the things that drives me crackers, it's one of the things that sent me over the edge last week, and then I'm expected to drop everything on a cryptic message......

Well my stance has been made clear on here already, so I'm not going to repeat that, but from the upset and hurt of this afternoon, and pain that I felt, I'm almost angry, well I am, but it's not full blown anger. I don't know what it is, any more. Anyway, the fun part is that I can't respond to the message as I haven't got the thing that's mentioned in the message. So till I get that, and of course I've made it clear that I've got nothing to wear, I'm too ugly and don't want to leave the house.... Oh I'm sure going to be made welcome, well I doubt it, but really. I don't ask for much in my life, I never have and never will and yet I get dealt shit day in, day out, hour in, hour out. Oh the joys of being me. Anyone want to swap???

Ain't Doing Nothing

2011-08-04T15:42:00.002+01:00

7 days on since I blew the fuse last week and how am I feeling? Well not good today, I'm better than I was and I've put the events of last week to bed almost. I've stuck to my plan of not putting anything on twitter and effectively going dark on it. I've made a few comments and shared a few pages, but that's about it.

However, today what's set me off today? Well it's one of the bug bears of my life, my appearance. I just can't accept the way I look, I'm horrible and nothing I do seems to make it better, I try to do things, change things, but it never works. I'm not in a big down mode, not in the sort of mode to do anything stupid, though I am weary right now that this is two Thursday's in a row where I've got myself down, and that's me being honest, in that I do think I've got myself into this position, it's only me, no one has said or done anything today. I've had no one leave me any messages on facebook or attempt to chat to me via that medium, or any other instant messaging service. I've had no text messages on the phone, the only people I've spoken to have been shop assistants this at 8am this morning when I went shopping.

I guess my mental picture doesn't match the one I've got physically and with being so isolated, so financially exposed I'm in a horrible position in terms of self perception. I've got nothing in my wardrobe that I like, I've got no shoes/trainers that I really like they are all practical items, but horrible and do nothing for me. My face, my height, my weight and anything else anyone can care to think of doesn't work. Since I've stopped working I've become even more of a recluse than I was before hand, but I think it's for the best. I can only joke about my looks for so long. I can't ever recall, anyone giving me praise over anything like that ever, that hurts.

It hurts to be alone, but I'm alone because of who I am and how I am, and so the confidence to change that comes from going out and making an effort, but even doing that doesn't work and I've no money to do so anyway. It's here that I am writing it's flowing from me, obviously I'm hurting and I need to put this out. It's also here that I'm slowly turning the screw upon myself and that by the time I finish this blog, I'll be considerably more depressed than when I started. Yes, it will do me good to get things out in the open, but it's going to hurt like hell. No matter how many AD's I take, or anything else for that matter changes how I feel about myself. I guess it never will. I sit down on the occasions I do go out and I'm jealous of so many people, who get away with it all, or are just happy with who they are, and how they look. Yet me, I'm screaming that I want to be that way, but have never had the chance to.

So thank you my so called biological family, I really don't care if you read this, you screwed my life to shit, and made it so. I don't care about you any more, as you obviously don't care about me. Well tough shit you've helped to ruin me, and I blame you, but your actions will be paid back soon, very soon. If you want to fight so be it, I can do it and I'll do it my way, and then lets see what transpires. Yes, you'll make things worse for me, but again I don't care, I don't see my neice any where near as much as I used to, she's growing up fast, she can make her own choices now. Oh hell, I'm really am falling and this is not good, my safety nets are catching me, but boy what a fall this has been and it started out like a small trip on a paving stone in the street. Do I need to consider the AD's? Not yet, this will possibly pass, I hope it does, but till then apart from the times I need to go out, and swimming I ain't doing nothing as I ain't got nothing to wear, and don't have a big enough brown bag to cover my face.

Time will Tell

2011-07-31T12:03:00.002+01:00

The last day of the month, it's middle of the day and at last the clouds are breaking up and some blue sky can be seen. I guess it's a bit like my mood today, not that it's been dark and moody today, I'm just going on in general. The past few days have been quite difficult for me, and whilst I'm getting back into the swing of things the clouds are breaking and I can see the blue sky.

So where am I from Thursday, well I don't know and I'm still as grumpy over things and still as sure that I want to be all about me right now. I'm not as miserable as I was, but I've still got to be attentive of myself. Life is OK, I went walking yesterday and this morning and that's helped. Yesterday, I ended up walking a good 12 or so miles, during the middle of the day and ended up walking through more paths through Worsley woods and through more over grown path ways with nettles and thorny bushes. If I didn't find them, it was horse poop instead. Apart from that I did enjoy the walk, it was good to walk that far, and today I went back to the simple 4 mile route that I'm very comfortable with. I did that this morning before breakfast, and whilst perhaps I suffered due to the previous day's walk it did the job of ridding the rust off the legs.

I've just sat through a very pleasant hour and half of a radio show last night, and though i disagree with the final outcome of the public vote this week on the show, as I did last week, it was enjoyable listening and now one of the missing links has been filled in on the 5 Live virtual jukebox. We now need to fill in another very soon.

I can tell my mood is swinging again, I'm not writing this in any sort of flow and I fear that I may be repeating myself, not in terms of previous entries as I am sure I am, but I mean in this post. Still who cares, I'm writing as I want to and as I feel I needed to if only to see where I am. I think one of my other actions is helping. Not posting on Facebook and only making the odd comment is wonderful, though I don't get a lot of messages or comments, at least I'm not being tempted to say anything or do anything which might upset anyone. That's soothing for me and I guess it's also good as it means I can ignore others, as I'm not posting. I just wonder how long before people realise that I'm not speaking.

Old Grey Clouds.

2011-07-28T22:43:00.003+01:00

I need to write before I go to bed tonight, I'm not in a very good place at all. Though I'm perhaps better than I think I am. That's confusing I know, but I know that I don't need to head with haste to the doctors in the morning to get them to sign off on any anti depressants, so I guess I'm thinking I'm in a better position because of that.

Anyway, what of this mood I'm in. I guess it's been brewing for a few days or so, I've been wanting to talk to someone over numerous things, but I know that if I try to call I won't get an answer, I try leaving messages and it doesn't work. I've already said how I hate being ignored in there recently, and so I've been slowly getting wound up by it. Then this morning out of the blue I got a phone call from the doctors, telling me I had to make an appointment for a repeat blood test in 4 weeks. I had only gone in the surgery the previous day and it's normally 2 days before you get the results back. That got me worried, and then what got me even more concerned was that I couldn't get an explanation out of the person calling me as to why I needed a repeat test, and how come my tests were back so quick.

So after about 10 to 15 minutes of stressing out I called back to see what was what, to be told that I had to hold on before I go out for a walk, so the doctor could call me back and explain the situation. That again had displeased me, as I wanted to go for a walk whilst I could and before it may have started to rain and I lost motivation to go out. Luckily the doctor called back, but not with great news. They have a concern over one of the 3 sets of blood results that I am waiting for, but that as they have no base line figure for the count they are looking at they want to repeat in 4 weeks to see if it was just an abnominal result or the norm or if I have a serious health issue. Having looked up what it might be, I'm actually quite stressed by it, but I can't do a thing.

I eventually got out for a walk and headed off in one direction, thought better went another and then instead of going where I was inteneding going I went some where else. That was a bad mistake as I ended up going down a pathway full of stingging nettles and thorny bushes. I got scratched and stung to bits even though I was being ultra careful. To say I wasn't in a happy mood was an understatement. As I walked home I did something I regret, but it wasn't something that I thought much off, just me being jovial and off the cuff. However, I think I've hurt someone because of that, and I feel guilty over that, and the more I feel guilty the more I'm sort of thinking I should do something about it and what I think I should do is sacrafice something I am so looking forward to, as it was my error.

Then what can go wrong has continued to go wrong all day, I've pushed people away that I didn't mean to and I just feel awful. So I'm going to stay silent apart from here and the odd status update, I'm not going to go out much only for shopping and job interviews, if I get any and possibly out for a drink with Lisa, if she comes up or when she comes up as she mentioned the other day. If that upsets anyone, or hurts them, and at worse destoys things I'm sorry, that isn't the intention, but it's for the best.

I want to write more, but there isn't more to write, but I need to do something, as whilst it's helped it hasn't soothed the ills or my mood. I need to try and explore why I'm like I am, and why I push people away from me? The thing is though is that I don't think I have an answer to that or a quick solution. So what I've got to write about I don't know, but yet I feel I should do.

going to sleep

2011-07-18T12:56:00.002+01:00

Some days are longer than others, some times one's level of attention are shorter than others, and when these two meet all hell breaks loose. With the way my PC has been behaving of late, I'm a little fearful to try and do something different other than leave it to what it's already doing. I say that as my security scan failed yesterday, well I say failed, the programme crashed at some point, so I'm going through a repeat today. I'm not wanting to run a couple of programmes in case that conflicts with the scan. So I'm a little bored and the weather is bloody awful, making today one long day.

I guess the good news is that earlier today i went for an eye test, and passed with flying colours. I know my eyes have been a little sore of late, and that's why I thought I'd best go get my eyes checked out, but to come away with a clean bill of health was something to be happy about. I didn't think I'd need glasses, but you never know and as it had been around 10 years or more since my previous test it was good to go get them done.

Now last week I was complaining over my knee's and how sore and swollen they were. Well after some rest last week the swelling went down and to a point the pain susbsided to the point I couldn't feel it. However, if I'm being honest there is still some residual pain in the knee, and though the weakness has vanished from it, I'm still not quite feeling 100% about it. So when I go to the doctors next I'm going to see if they can possibly have a look at it for me. I'm falling asleep writing this and it's only just turned 1pm, and I wouldn't mind, but I slept last night very well, so I don't know why I'm feeling so tired and it's just come over me, how strangl

It was worth it!

2011-07-16T18:49:00.003+01:00

I'm not going to be here long writing this as I'm cooking my tea, I've got some rice on and a pie in the oven, so all goes well. Well I hope so anyway, I've not had this pie before as I bought from the Farmer's Market in Eccles today. So it should be good, but who knows??

This is a difficult blog to write, well it isn't really, I just had to use something to start this paragraph, as I hate using the same word to open consecutive paragraphs or at all in this blog. No I'm in a funny place today, I'm not depressed, but I'm not hyper either, nor am I running an even keel. I think I know the reason why though. I went to see Jayne on Thursday, a surprise visit and if you see the conversation on Facebook between us, you'll see Jayne was more than surprised to see me at her front door that afternoon. I know it was more planned than I'd like it to be, as I've no car to just jump in and visit the trains had to be planned etc.

That trip I think saw me expand a lot more energy than I thought I had and whilst I was pleased to see Jayne happy and full of her usual joyful self, I think I put more into it than I had anticipated. Today I'm wanting to do something, I know I can't I've got to be careful with my money, I want to be out with friends or talking to them, but it isn't going to happen. I think with my pc not functioning as well as it could be I'm getting even more frustrated as I can't want video's as they don't run fluidly. Oh the joys of life.

What I did I did for a friend and I'd do it again tomorrow if I have to, and put as much into it, but I do have to be careful with myself every now and again, having just come off the AD's well 2 or 3 weeks ago, I'm not yet over the period I set myself to feel I'm not needing them again. I've got to consider myself and though I didn't this week, it was worth it for Jayne.

Fuzzy wuzzy sort of mood.

2011-07-13T11:24:00.004+01:00

The silence of the day is broken by the odd hammering sound of workmen some where behind my flat, the distant cries of children shouting in the playground at the school, a few hundred yards away. That's how peaceful today is, and yet the serenity isn't quite with myself.

I am worried, both my knees now are sore, whilst one is possibly due to having to compensate for the other, it isn't easy to motivate myself to do anything like move much. With that in mind I'm possibly whizzing to much around my head to be calm, and relaxed as I should be. I'm not in an awful mode, I'm not falling into depression far from it, I'm just a little fuzzy that's all. What could I do to change that? Well I don't know if I knew I wouldn't be typing this blog out would I?? However, it could be just musing over it helps today.

Life goes on, and we have to deal with what it throws at us, today it's this feeling, yesterday it was a lot calmer, till seeing information about the ECHR, and how they have U-turned on the equalities laws of the UK. I'm really angry at them for this, as they will if they continue down this path lead to certain groups trying to rid the country of any equalities laws, and take us back into the dark ages. I have written to them, I know others have written to them, expressing our anger and frustration at this decision by them. I just hope they listen to the reasoned arguements and again evaluate the decision they have made. I'm all for freedom to live your life in any way you wish. To believe in what you will, but the the religous groups that are challenging this are part of a church that for hundreds of years, made up rules to suit itself, to cling onto a power that has long since vanished. The powers that be in that church still think the world should follow it's religion and its religion alone, and yet they won't punish those that do wrong in the eyes of the law, and it's church as they wish to be seen to whiter than white.

Rant over, and I can breathe, I want to do something random, but am afraid to do so. I don't wish to jepordise something special to me, but in trying to test the waters to see if I can, would essentially demolish the idea of the random act completely. I should trust myself, I should believe myself, but on this occasion I'm not so sure. However, I've got time to think and dwell on it. If I do this it will be tomorrow and whilst it's a little crazy it's all in a good cause.

From Billy no mates to Miss Socialble.

2011-07-12T12:57:00.003+01:00

Crumbs, I've lost an hour I think today!! I've been looking at my clocks thinking it was coming up to 2pm, when infact it's coming up to 1pm. That isn't a good sign really, but still nothing has been lost by it all. I've just got to be more aware of time for the rest of the day.

Events over the past few days have been interesting, I've been rather social, which is always good, but it's been positive, whilst also cementing some deep rooted opinions. I was at a beer festival on Friday night, which was incredibly fun. OK, the consumption of vast quantities of alcohol isn't clever, it isn't good for you and isn't something I would recommend. However, occasionally it's good, well it's fun when in good company. That was something that I found on Friday night after a while anyway. The fact that this years "random" ( I use that term to describe the person who came to speak to me) was infinately nicer than the one that approached me the last time I frequented the same beer festival.

Saturday I was out and about in Manchester, it should have been a session of the group I go to once a month, however that fell on a wider celebratory day within Manchester, and so events were more than normal, and a bit more diverse. This included seeing and chatting to someone whom I've watched on TV occasionally over the years. She was very nice to talk to, and not the snooty type of celebraty. I wouldn't have gone to the wider celebration event had it not been for the workshops, and I didn't really do much else, though I did walk into the main event area and spoke to a few people that I know.

Sunday was spent back in Manchester at a workshop, which stuck the ugly chord in me. I guess I saw things take place that made me realise why I left groups and things like this alone for such a long time. I was hoping that things had changed, but I'm going to guess that it will never change, only the people involved. However, now I think I'm better equipted personally to be able to deal with it, and not to let it get me to down. It's pointless trying to change things, I know what type of person I am, and I know what type of person I am in some of the situations that generates some the things that I don't like. Age has matured me, and but it hasn't quelled the hope that I could change things for the better.

Finally, last night was a swim session. We had a big turn out which was fun and though it was fun, that fun was tempered by my own health issues. On Sunday my knee gave way on me, and was causing me no end of agony. I awoke yesterday morning to find my knee twice the size of my other one. This is the knee that 15 years ago I had surgery on to repair a torn cruciate and to remove most of the cartlidge in. Now I know I can't kneel for long periods or squat down for long since then, but I'd done nothing like that on Sunday to aggrivate the knee. However I thought swimming would be fine as it's low impact and non weight bearing. I was wrong and if anything I probably pushed myself too much. I'm not in a great deal of pain, but I can certainly feel pain in the said knee, whilst sitting down. If it doesn't ease up, I'm going to go back to my doctor over it.

Ignorance

2011-07-07T17:23:00.002+01:00

So this entry has a theme, an agenda, and whilst not planned as such, or not in terms of word for word, I have a clear understanding where I want to take this blog today.

Over the years, I've made friends, I've lost friends and I've got plenty of people that I know. Now I guess my up bringing has played a part in how I treat friends, and what I expect from them, and what I give. I'm a generous person to friends, I'd happily give everything for them, time, money, energy and health if I could. I don't expect much in return, however the one thing that I don't like is being ignored.

Since the start of March when I started to re-write in this blog, I have lost touch with some people due to where I was. I can accept that, and yet whilst I've improved in terms of my mental well being, and whilst I can accept it takes time to prove that things are better etc. I have felt ignored by some of these people, which upsets me, hurts me and angers me. I shouldn't be angry, but hey I am. So there you have it, I've got something that has been bugging off my chest!!

Things have been OK since I last wrote in here, I'me feeling a lot better than I was, not that I was in a bad way. However having come off the anti-depressants I've had to be careful and watching my well being. I had that bad spell right at the start, but that's to be expected I guess, but I'm back on a level keel and in working order. I've got some things to do, but don't we all?? So I'll leave this alone now, as I can see I'm waffling and with me listening to the radio adaptation of The Empire Strikes Back, I should leave here as I'm struggling to write and listen.

Colours

2011-06-30T10:57:00.003+01:00

Here I am again, sitting down to write another entry. This time unlike previous times has a theme, it has a begining and isn't just another set of idea's from which to spawn the post from. Well that isn't exactly true. I've just had a shower, I'm feeling good and ready to enjoy the the day. Prior to the shower, which I'd been putting off all morning I knew I wanted and needed to write something in here. I should or perhaps should have done so last night, however I didn't and so this is the entry that wasn't, but is.

I'll start with what I've prepared and then it will off shoot and I'll free write, but some of this is planned. As I said before my shower I wanted to write, but as I sat on the toilet, trying to understand what sort of mood I was in, I struck upon the title of the blog. I knew what I wanted to write about, and I knew or thought I had to write it before going in the shower. I was wrong I've held the train of thought, inpart to putting the title in before the shower to remind me, but also due to me writing this entrance into the blog in my head in the shower. So yes this ramble is the planned part, what follows will mainly be me writing out loud.

Last night I was feeling rather melancholy, I don't know why, and I can't really explain what the mood was, it wasn't high, it wasn't low but I just didn't feel 100%. I wanted to talk to someone, but whom could I do so, and I didn't feel like writing either I wanted a chat, it probably would have ended up talking via instant messaging or via email etc, but I would have prefered a chat over the phone or perhaps face to face. I know that I've come off the AD's and perhaps I wasn't ready for that, but I feel I am. I'm not sure though after last night and I'm quite happy to observe myself over the up coming weekend before deciding if indeed I need to return to my doctors for another prescription.

So the scene is set, and as previously stated I was on the toilet thinking about what I was going to say, when the title struck me. How that came about was quite simple I was thinking of what text colour I should use for this post. I thought blue at first, but then thinking about it, I declined that, as blue is associated with miserable, down and whilst I'm not 300% happy, I'm not in the jaws of despair. I thought red, as that's often seen as the polar opposite of blue, but that's associated with anger and I'm not angry. So what colour would I use? That's where the title came from.

I was contemplating what colour my mood was in, and why certain colours are associated with moods. I've talked about light and dark recently another analogy of ones personal emotions, and again I'm puzzled as to why that is. I could and perhaps should do some research into it, it would kill some time and perhaps make an interesting change to the normal routine. However, I'm sure that others have done the work, and I should read up, it is a strange area though, and that's got me thinking into the many analogies that we use to describe our emotions, I know I've used lots over the years, and that's crazy. Why can't we describe our emotions simply? Why can't we as a race have defined terms or should I say why don't we have defined terms? I guess it's the complexities of life?

Thus I remain in a mini flux unsure of what state I'm in, though perhaps too much evaluation may be leading me down a spiral I shoudlnt want to go on. Talking of spirals and this is totally left field, I posted a video on facebook yesterday of the theme tune to Jamie and the Magic torch. Perhaps I should try and find some editions of that and watch it, that would certainly freak me out a bit and may well free me up to feel different to that what I am now. Who knows? However that thought came about because of the helter skeltor that Jamie travels down to the magic land with wordsworth his dog. What state of mind I'm in is a really odd question, if I'm wanting to watch an episode or two of a childrens tv show from the very late 1970's. It could be worse I could be wanting that, followed by Chorlton and the Wheelies and The Banana Splits. What were the people that thought of these shows on?? I'd like some of it what ever it was!!! Oh now the train of thought has come the full circle, I was going to leave this at the end of the previous sentence, but thought about leaving on a question as to what colour should I use, which circled onto a segment from another kids tv show, to which I've got a DVD of, Bod. With the animal orchestra, trying to guess what flavour milkshake the frog conductor would ask for at the end of the show..

Now that has put a smile on my face, I can link something out of nothing, and something that is so out of the box in terms of where I started, I certainly think I'm not down, I'm more up than down, but it's a strange place to be, that I'm sure those that know me have seen before, and I wonder if that's a good place or a bad place for me to be? I'm sure some have different opinions to others.

Simple it's not

2011-06-29T14:21:00.003+01:00

Should I be worried that I'm typing a second entry into this blog for the second day in a row? No, why should I be? I've done it before when things have been OK, so let's leave it at that.

I was just a bit bored that's all, it was time to do something different, and write an entry in here seemed to be the right thing to do. So I'd not even thought about not taking a AD this morning, and to be honest I don't think it's really effected me. Though of course the headache that I've had for the best part of the day hasn't gone and whilst the two are not connected, under more paranoid times I'd be claiming otherwise. No I think the answer to the headache is to take pain killers, but I don't have any and I can't be bothered to go and buy some either. So I'll drink plenty of water to rehydrate myself, though I haven't exactly dehydrated myself over the past day or so. So reason for the headache? I don't know, I don't care it's not something to be looking into really, it's all everyday stuff, though it's inconvienient.

Today has been a wonderful day in many ways, I've sat and read people posing in a forum, trying to justify or trying to make sense of some rankings that have come out today. It's always great standing back and watching people suggest or say something that really doesn't need to be said, or doesn't make sense. What is amusing is that whilst I can agree with some of the crazier stuff being said in the forum about this, I'm also opposed to some of the same stuff that I agree with. That's just plain crazy I know, but the fact is that whilst I understand how the rankings have been compiled, and how that through that understanding I can accept what the rankings suggest, it doesn't mean to say that I actually think they are correct. However I did light the fire in the forum by writing something that I knew would inflame the debate, as well as a link to another set of rankings which would add more fuel to the fire. LOL, that was a bit nasty of me, but hell it was fun.

That I guess is what it's all about fun, if I can't have fun in what ever shape or form, then life becomes difficult. I recently wrote as a facebook status, that I've seen the dark, I've seen the light, and you need both to exist. It was something along those effects and it's true. Fun is always the light side, though of course you can have dark humour! Oh I'm not going to go down that road, the light and dark is bad enough I think. Self exploration has taken place often this year, and whilst over the past month or so I've stopped looking at myself as much, as I've calmed down and started to sort my head out, it doesn't stop me from exploring myself now that I'm light. I guess that I'm never going to really be able to explain myself to anyone, not that I would want anyone to really know me, no I take that back, I mean I don't want too many people really knowing me. I think that would scare me no end. I am who I am, I have real dark periods and real light periods, though I'm starting to think that my light periods or the "good" times don't last as long as the dark, nor do they share the same intensity.

Now that is something that I really do wonder about, why do my moods drop deeper than they climb the opposite way? Why am I looking at it like that right now? I mean I'm sure in previous posts I've explained it like climbing to the top of a roller coaster and then falling off or something of similar ilk. So I've got climb, and I've got to climb higher to generate the speed to drop further as that's physics 101. However it doesn't add up. Maybe, if you recall when I proclaimed that first day that I knew things had changed, after the walk, that I was as high as kite, that I'd shot up from the depths to the top. Maybe because of that, that's why right now I'm thinking the way I am. I mean that instead of just getting to a medium place, one of comfort and one to build a platform from, I went straight to the top and I was expecting to stay at the top for as long as I'd been down at the bottom. It isn't that simple is it!

Second Thoughts

2011-06-28T13:08:00.002+01:00

I thought I'd have written more this month, and had intended to, but obviously my output has been slow and so my mood must have been good. I've had nothing to let go with. However, today I realised that I'd no anti-depressants left after the one I took this morning. I knew I had a meeting at 10am, and that the estate agents were due around for an annual flat inspection between 10.30 and 14.30. So I didn't want to miss them, so I haven't been to my doctors to put in a prescription for any more AD's.

It's with some reserve that I sit here writing this entry, I think after more than 3 months on the AD's and the situation that I was in has passed, I'm going to see if I can live without them. Of course I could go and get a new prescription and I did say that I'd give them around 6 months when I went back on them. However, I feel brave, I feel good and want to see where I'm at. Of course I'm having second thoughts about it, I don't want to fall back into the hell hole that I was in back in February and March of this year. I can just about claim to be coming out of the issues that period forged for me. Yet, I feel well enough to press ahead with this idea, and this place may not be visited as often as it has been.

To say that this place hasn't helped is an understatement, as without the help of my friends, whom have been mentioned on numerous occasions, whom have been thanked more times than I've had hot dinners, the support of other people and this place I woudln't be around for sure. Having a place to express my feelings, to have a place where I had to think about how to express them, which meant that I couldn't hurt anyone by aiming anything at them, helped me so much. Whilst the content is dwelling in me as it is right now, the need to write, the need to express myself is weak, but the occasions I do write I do so out of compulsion almost. A need to convey my feelings to one and all, when perhaps I should be telling an individual something.

I guess that this place is like a secret room for me, to tell the world how I feel, what I want and why. A place where I can be free to say things that I couldn't say face to face or where I won't offend anyone, hurt anyone or try not to favour one person more than others. I hate turning to the same people over and over, occasionally I like to write out loud to let the world to know. This place is that vehicle for me, and so it helps. We'll see over the next few weeks or so, if I need to revisit my notion that I don't need the AD's right now, and I may need to use this place frequently again to rid myself of anything that's troubling me, but the stats will show me what I need to know, the things I write will show me what I need to know. Perhaps I'll listen sooner the next time.

Lancastria

2011-06-16T14:06:00.002+01:00

Another day, another time to write! I was going to dollar, but I thought better of it. The sun is out, I've just put some music on and I'm feeling quite cheerful. I know my eyes are a little sore, but that's the dry skin on the eye lids, but apart from that all is well. I'm going to finish this post and then phone the doctors to see if the results of the tests I had last Saturday are in and if they can give them to me or if I have to make an appointment to go and see the doctor over them. Whilst I type my arm is actually starting to ache, which is unusual, but hey ho, I can cope with that.

Yesterday I went off the beaten track with my post, well just to compound that, I came up with something later that was equally as odd, and I over heard something as well, which sits in the stupid category. Whilst talking to my friend Pete, he owns the ice cream van that comes around the area, I over heard a young lad quite happily tell him whilst ordering some bubble gum ice cream with is bright blue, that earlier in the morning he'd had a blue poo. I've never heard anything of the sort in my life, blue poo?? Then for some unknown reason as I carried on talking to Pete, I decided that perhaps I should suggest he try making a new flavour of ice cream. I'm glad I stopped myself, as the thought of Salt and Vinegar ice cream isn't worth thinking about is it. I'm just going to have to come up with something different.

So today I've been quite sensible, no crazy thoughts, no reason to wonder about realities. It's been me looking for work and trying to find out new bits of information. I should say I watched a nice tv show on BBC iPlayer last night from BBC Wales. That's the third new show that I've found from BBC Wales over the past couple of weeks. They are churning out some quality, though I would say the same occasionally for Scotland and NI. Still apart from that not a lot has taken place today. I guess I should follow up the show that I watched last night, which talked about Henry Tudor, and the house he lived in Anglesey. It seems strange that the house of Lancaster, should essentially be born out of North Wales and not Lancashire, but hey who cares, it's a matter of history and lets be honest the Lancastrians that won the War of the Roses, were not all from the said county, they were from around the country and supported one claiment to the English throne, who if truth be known had little or no claim what so ever, however he did claim it and the rest is history. It's his rise through the ranks that perhaps I should do some more research into, but it can perhaps wait a bit longer, as I'm sure that I can find something else to do before I get to that bit of work.

Outlandish Realities....

2011-06-15T11:39:00.002+01:00

As I've just posted a comment on a forum about a television show that I've watched from last night, I started to think. Now me and thinking we know can go to strange places, and yet again I did. I finished the post and set about doing something else, whilst contemplating the thought I'd had.

The thought itself is simple enough, but if you combine some of the sci-fi tv shows that we in the UK have, and I'm sure that in the US and every other country around there is a chance of having there own sci-fi shows that don't get watched outisde of the host nation much what have the UK got that the US and the world hasn't? Well for one we have a time lord that, saves the country, world and everything else, 9 times out of 10 in the UK. Strange that he rarely goes any where else or that ailens invading this world always seem to attack the UK. In this same universe the UK has it's own secret ailen combat team, that again saves the world and everything in it. However they seem to save it out of Cardiff, and sometimes London. Though it does seem that we've now let the rest of the world know about it, though it is strictly British and no other country has a similar unit.

The UK again has found things called anomilies, that allows people, technology and creatures from other time zones to walk around the world posing as threats. However, as with previously we find that these are restricted to England and 90% of the time around London and the South East of England. Why these anomilies haven't popped up around the world, why we the UK hasn't told anywone about them, that we've got a top secret team of scientists and military agents working out what they mean, and capturing dinosaurs, insects and future predators that would kill everything on the planet right now I don't know. How a Sabre Tooth tiger at a theme park, or a well known tv animal expert being ate by a dino hasn't become world wide knowledge I don't know.

The power of the government to keep these things in this outlandish reality is beyond what we the public see. I for one don't think that any government could become as powerful as to keep the above secret. Only in TV land I guess. Now that I've go beyond my normal level of WTF am I going on about and why? I might as well settle back and get today over with. Not a lot to go on, but I've got enough to do to keep me busy.

Yesterday I really did enjoy chilling out, listening to music, trying to get something to work, which didn't, but that didn't bother me. I just sat back and and went back to my music. At the end of the day I decided to put a DVD on, of a concert to jack up the sound and party, a rock or indie concert, the rock won and whilst I'm sure one or two of my neighbours were not impressed I don't care. I enjoyed myself, and that's what matters, too many times I've not.

Annual Relaxation

2011-06-14T10:02:00.003+01:00

The sun is out, the sky is a crisp blue, the birds are chirping and the odd rumble of a car can be heard, and yet I'm in the middle of Salford and not some where in the country. Today is going to be a lazy day, I don't feel up to doing much at all, I'm struggling to motivate myself to do anything let alone something. So I thought I'd write in here, in the hope that it might spur me onto an activity or at least something meaningful.

Why I put the later down I don't know, everything is meaningful, just some things are more so than others I guess. The weekend passed with few problems, Saturday was busy, as I had the medical appointment in Bolton and then Trec. The medical appointment consisted of electric shock treatment to check my nerves in my arm, though I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest they'll find nothing wrong with them. I won't get the results back till around Friday, so I'm going to have to wait for confirmation, but hey ho let's wait and see. Trec was rather quiet, but none the less interesting and once I got home and had my tea, I watched a couple of tv shows before I went to bed quite early for me on a Saturday at 10.30pm.

I must have been tired as I slept very well on Saturday and woke up only once really at around 3am, before finally waking up at 7.40am, which is very late for myself. It was one of those nights where I caught up with any sleep that I've lost over the past few months, and it felt good to have done so. Sunday was spent relaxing really, I had no real reason to rush around and as the weather was poor I didn't want to venture out too much. So I watched some more tv shows I'd not watched for years. It may sound dull and boring, but it at least makes for a nice relaxing day occasionally.

Yesterday was much busier, with trips to Leigh and then Levenshulme to go swimming. It was nice to get out and also exercise a little whilst chatting. It's not too often I get to do that, well apart from the monthly swim that's it really. So it was a really nice way to end a long weekend if you would like to call it that. However, as I got home very late, it was nearly midnight before I sat down to eat my tea, so that may have some connection as to why I want a lazy day. I've no where to go or anything to do, and a day of not rushing to catch a bus or train here there and everywhere though the norm, is refreshing after having two such days so close together.

Over the years, I've found it hard to be able to approach days like today, I guess the end of the first paragraph suggests there is still a struggle, but I'm finding it easier to detach myself as I grow older from trying to force myself to be busy and doing things and being able to sit and relax. Is that a life skill that everyone should have? Is it something everyone has? I don't know, but it's taken me this long to start to learn it. So No this entry hasn't focussed me into doing anything, no this hasn't kicked my backside into gear, I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the day and attack relaxation. One day a year everyone should do it, embrace it and enjoy it.

Unfashionable old.

2011-06-10T12:35:00.002+01:00

Oh it's been a while, so perhaps that's a sign that things are good, which they are. Well I say good, they are better than they were back in March/April, though that couldn't be difficult considering the state I was in. I think it's safe to say that I'm back on a level playing field right now, I've come down from the high that I had after that walk at the end of April or whenever it was, and I'm sailing the good ship life on calm waters.

So why post? Well I think part of me has been wanting to do so, in an attempt to keep some sort of record as to where I am within myself. I know that I struggle to write here if I'm OK, and even if I've been a bit lazy of late as I've wanted to put something down for a few days I've just not done so. Today is really no different, just that I decided to do it rather than put it off till tomorrow.

Woooooo, oh the joys of being as old as I am.. Well OK it's no joy when I wish I was a hell of a lot younger, but over the past few weeks I've gone back in time to watch old TV shows and listen to some really old music, and by really old I mean the 1970's. Which is within my lifetime I know, but some of the music hasn't aged well, but I don't care, if I liked it then, there is a chance I'll like it now. I'm not ashamed to say that I've had a bit of a Carpenters revival, which is something I hadn't expected, but a real good show was on the BBC the other week, documenting the history of the group and I just had to sit down and listen again. However the start of this paragraph comes from the opening line fom the Karel Fialka song Hey Matthew, which charted in the late 1980's. It's just appeared as if by magic on my music player, and I had to put it into the blog. As for the tv shows, I've sat down and watched the complete series of Beauty and the Beast from the late 80's and apart from the obvious fashions, music etc it's some how managed to retain it's magic.

Now what else is happening? Well tomorrow I'm busy, with group in the afternoon after a medical appointment in the morning. I think I've mentioned this in the last post, but it's going to be an early start and although I wanted to use bus and trains, it seems that I can't as I can't buy a train/bus/tram ticket until after 9.30am, which is when I need to be in Bolton for my 10am appointment. I think it's slightly daft that I can't do that, but I'm guessing that it's down to the peak travel time thing that both the trains and tram operate. The buses use to do that as well, but I think they've stopped that now. So I'll see what happens, but at least I've remembered to check out my plans for the journey tomorrow, as I'd almost decided to take the train from Bolton after the appointment, however that needs to be revisited. Nothing else to report, no more news on the job front, I've heard nothing from no one, but I'm not going to let it get to me right now.

Painting Pictures

2011-05-24T14:27:00.004+01:00

Today is a blank bit of paper to which I'm trying to create a masterpiece, but as ever when one's mood is more positive than negative the thoughts of where to take this stifle. However, lets get on with this and lets see where I go.

So, last night I watched the United youth team win the FA Youth cup for the 10th time, which is a record. I guess that as I've got older and since I stopped going to games I've gone back to supporting the club rather than the team. It's all well and good us winning the league year in year out as it has been for the past 20 years now, but it's the health of the club that is important and that's in good health.

Now I had intended to go to Old Trafford last night, but due to City having a parade for there FA cup win, I got delayed in Leigh. The bus was over an hour late with the excuse being Manchester was so busy, yet from what I've heard and seen, it wasn't to bad, but no the transport system grinds to a halt... Heaven knows what next Monday will be like as United will be doing the same, and I guess that we'll see a few more than the 50,000 that City have claimed.

I've also written to my best friend today, I can't recall off the top of my head when I'd last done that, I think it was either the very start of last week or at the end of the previous week. However that's way to long and I feel guilty for not writing. I should do, but I allowed myself to be distracted by one thing or another. So I wrote today and you know what I feel better for doing so. So what if it was short, it was concise, and that is good enough. Now I wait for a reply, I hope she's OK as she's due to do a parachute jump this weekend, but what with the ash cloud heading our way I think she may be worried.

I have also finished the book I was reading, which I've really enjoyed reading, even if it was a bit of a struggle to get through. This was basically a book about a families history, which has followed the history of England since around 1000, which is an incredible amount of time. I have mentioned before how I like history, but whilst this book was well written and enjoyable, I did find it tough to get through, so it's made me happier than I think I would be to have finished it. So I'm going to give myself a break of a week or two before deciding what book to pick up and read next. I need some time to recharge the mind.

Reflection Time

2011-05-21T17:34:00.003+01:00

It's quiet, oh so quiet the birds aren't singing, a breeze is up, but not enough to blow the trees to make a noise. I've been out and about and I'm looking forward to tonight, but now I need a little pick me up. It's not that I'm down as such, far from it. I've been vindicated again in my knowledge and I'm happy with that and I've just remembered something else as well.

No, I've just sat through a movie which whilst not being a true "weepy", was hard watching, but was very beautiful in it's own way. I only watched it because I'd seen Lauren Ambrose was in it, and I adore her. However, apart from her Lisa Kudrow and Natalie Portman was in the film and it was Natalie Portman that stole the show, mind you she was the star of the film. It was just so wonderful, that I'm feeling a little sad, empathic towards the character. So if anyone ever gets chance to sit through "The Other Woman" do so, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Apart from that nothing is wrong, everything is fine. I guess I should pop my music on, or I could sit down and watch a few other things before watching Dr Who later on, and of course eating. Then the night is mine to wander the internet, watch some dvds or something. Life may not be peachy, it may not be rosey, but it will do and with that I'm happy. This bit of peace that I have enjoyed after the film is discipating, the trees can be heard the odd bird is calling and I'm about to watch something or pop my music back on. Reflection time over and now back with a smile and forward we go.

Weekend appointments.

2011-05-19T14:15:00.002+01:00

All right, lets go writing, everything is going well, I'm still cheerful, I'm not letting anything get me down, so this is the recovery that I had talked about, the one I'd hoped for and I'm glad it came. I'll be honest, I may talk about not being bothered if I live or die, but I do think we all have that within us at some point or other, and that some of us have it more than others.

Anyway, what's new? Well I've just got an hospital appointment today so I can have the nerves in my arm seen to. However, this is where things get a bit crazy. I've never had an appointment at any medical facility on a Saturday. Yes, I've been into A&E, and have spent weekends in hospital before now, but I've never had an appointment. That's the first bit of crazy the second one is that it sounds like these tests are going to be in a mobile unit situated on a car park!! That isn't sounding great, but then I've got to get up to Bolton for 10am as well. I am not too impressed by that, but I'm going to have to live with it. Yes, if I had my car, yes if I had any money to run said car it wouldn't be too bad, in fact it would be a matter of a 15 or 20 minute trip up and back.

However to add to all of this it's going to be on a Saturday when I'm supposed to be in Manchester at Trec..... Oh the joys of life! I'll find a way to get to both events, I'm clever like that, but it's going to be a bit of a push, but that's what life is about isn't it? Pushing yourself to limits? I know I'll be desperate to get to Trec as quickly as possible, but right now I don't know what the program is and nor is there any real reason as to why I should rush, it's unlikely that I'd get into the building before any of the first sessions start, so I'm going miss them no matter what. Yet, come that Saturday, those of you who know where my facebook page is, will find posts saying how unhappy about the bus or/and train journey I'm taking to get back is taking time wise etc.

What else is new? Well not a lot to be honest, I spoke with my niece last night all be it on facebook for the first time in ages. I didn't even know she's joined or has formed a band, which is really cool, she's not even 15, but she's already said that they'll be doing some recording next month. I'm looking forward to hearing the output from them. I know it isn't going to be the greatest thing I've heard, but it will be good to hear what they are doing and how well she plays the guitar on the songs. Me I'm just taking each day as it comes. I would love to be having a BBQ today, I've not had one for ages, and even if near enough everyone does the same thing on them, i.e. burgers and sausages it's still nice every now and again and something that would be nice.

I am who I am.

2011-05-11T23:27:00.000+01:00

Here I am again, not 100% sure of what my feelings are tonight. Whilst being happy, I'm also a little melacholny and also a bit angry at things. I want to cry, I want to laugh, I want to scream and shout, but then I stop, I take a breath and realise that none of these things will help me, as I'm not upset enough to cry, I'm not angry enough scream and shout and nothing is making me laugh.

So what do I do? I sit here and I type, I type away trying to explain the mixture of emotions and trying to figure out why I feel the way I do and yet am the way I am. I guess that would only be a repeat of many a post for some and for me as well, diverting around the topic, or creating new images and new answers to delude myself with. I guess this is who I am, I can't change that, and no matter how much I want or try it always repeats itself.

That's quite a bit of work in here dismissed, but I guess that when I study myself, my moods and my emotions, I possibly delude myself into thinking that I can work on the stuff that I find, and have written about and I do indeed do that work. I can't always say that it works out 100%, if it did would the recent bout of depression have taken place? No it wouldn't and so I have to accept that I am who I am. I can change things on the surface, I can change things just below the surface, and I can attack the core, but if I changed to much I might become and totally different person and that person may lose friends, and whilst I've lost friends in the past and I guess that's part of the reason why I'm feeling sad, I wouldn't want to lose all my friends, because I've changed too much.

The impossible Dream

2011-05-04T17:23:00.002+01:00

The ability to write long and profound posts in here diminishes with the strength of my moods. If I'm on a level ground I find it hard to write anything constructive, however if I'm positive or negative as has been the case over the past month or so it's really easy. That I guess leads to less writing which as I've stated time and time again is helpful to myself. So this is me trying to force myself to write.

I've finally caught up with all the tv shows I watch and feel happier for doing so. I'm not a huge tv fan, but I do watch certain shows and have missed them whilst being off line. It's always fun to be able to watch them in big clumps, but it's also a hassle as it takes so much time. Still it's done and now I have time to kill as such. That's prompted me to come here and write.

Life must be good as this isn't flowing out of me and I'm trying to say something, what that something is I'm not sure, but I do want to say something. Maybe I should look at other aspects of my life to see if that will tell me something? I'm currently going through a spell of listening to lots of 80's music, which might suggest that I'm trying re-kindle my childhood some how, but I'm not sure about that. I just know that I've rediscovered some music and am enjoying it. It's not even cheesey which I would normally consign my 80's likes to. So that's slightly strange, so perhaps I've been knocked off kilter by the down I've been on. Maybe my recovery isn't along the same road I usually follow, perhaps I'm on a different one all together which would be an experience. I don't even know if I could consider that this road runs next to the ones I ususally take, this one seems unique if I go by the music I'm using to cheer me up.

I didn't think I could get that much from the music I'm listening to, but then again I didn't think I'd get this much out full stop. Of course that could worry me, by suggesting that I've got more to say than I may have imagined, but not really I'm waffling and that's a positive. Well it's a positive as my mind is thinking clearly, though not effectivly, well not as well as normal, what ever that is.

Going back to the 80's what a reasonable decade that was, whilst many would like to consign it to history, I actually think it wasn't as bad as some make it out to be. Yes, in the 30 years since (I'm shocked it's that long ago), the world has altered beyond recognition, back in 1980 computers weren't common, in fact very rare to be honest, and life was so different. I don't think I could have imagined the world to be where we are today. Saying that though I was what? 9 in 1980, and how many 9 years olds has imagination to see this far in the future, all I can recall of imagining of the future then, was what I'd be doing during the next school holidays. I would love to go back and reshape myself, but were I to do that, I doubt this blog would look like this and I doubt I'd be in the situation I am now, but that is just guess work and whilst it would be "positive", it's only me trying to make things perfect, and we all know that peferction is impossible to achieve.

Dwelling

2011-05-03T07:05:00.002+01:00

The fine weather is continuing in the North West of England by the looks of this morning. It's been an excellent couple of weeks, probably the best we'll get this year, but it's coincided with my good mood, so I'm going to remain positive that today is going to be another good day.

I've already been out for a walk, which wasn't planned nothing should be planned for 5am, but hey it was a wonderful walk in the fresh air and the early morning glow that surrounds us. The smells, the sounds all seem to be different early in the morning, maybe it's because the rest of the world hasn't woken up, the cars haven't poisoned the air, the birds can be heard and it just feels like it's all how it should be. I do love the world at that time in the morning.

So I'm back home, after a weekend away, and it was a nice break from the norm, even if it was in Liverpool. I know I seem to comment on that place a bit if I do go there, but hey ho, I have friends over there and I enjoy the company. Last Thursday saw me return to Wrexham for the first time in years, and the place never changes, seriously the shops may alter, but the way the place looks and feels doesn't. It felt almost the same as it did back in 1994 to 96, but this time whilst I may have been recovering from a depression, the reasons behind that were different, the way I looked at Wrexham this time was different and whist back then I was just existing, now I could enjoy my time there, if I were to return.

However, that's all hyperthetical and isn't likely to happen. So why look back at a time which was both good and bad for all the same reasons? Why look at a dark point in my life, when I'm trying to recover from another? I know what went wrong in Wrexham the first time, I know why I it didn't work out and things have been dealt with. Taking a trip back now is different and the situation is different, that the issues then have little or no concern. It's time to look forward, time to enjoy the present and effect my future rather than dwelling on the past.

Cheesey

2011-04-29T20:49:00.002+01:00

A new look to this place, I did say I would but didn't expect to go that far. However, more on that another time perhaps, I'm not at home typing this, but at a friends house, but I'm trying to be quiet.

The wedding is over, and whilst it all looked nice and went without a hitch as such, I've got to say Channel 5 in the UK had a cheesey US made for tv film documenting the happy couple's romance on this afternoon. It was so bad, that it soon became the best thing on tv all day.

I'll leave this for now, and speak soon.

Bye Bye

2011-04-27T12:52:00.002+01:00

I can't recall when I last typed anything in here, I know it seems like a week or so since. However, this is I do hope the last entry from the library, all is set for me to be back online at home from tomorrow, and so I can possibly write more often, and set about adjusting the look of the blog.

The past few weeks have really been hard, and this place has seen me really hit out at my own emotions and feelings. It hasn't been pretty, but it's been a blessing that the library has allowed me to do this even though I can't get to read what I put on the screen and have had to use my phone to see it. However, that's going to change soon and whilst I may not be around much over the next few days as I'm off out tomorrow and shouldn't be back till Sunday, I shall try to get back in here either on Sunday or Monday at some point.

It's at this point I should say a thank you to the person that suggested I start writing again, it's been a great help and whilst it's not been pretty, it's been theraputic to get everything out of the system. I can't write for too long today as the library is quite busy and I need to be gone soon. I won't be able to get any extra time, but I don't need that today. I'm feeling positive, I've done things to make tomorrow easier for myself and I'm doing what's right for me at this moment in time.

So it's goodbye library I hope you've been a friend and a help over the past 2 months, I'm sure I'll see you again no doubt, but hopefully not for the reasons that I've had in this period.

Aches and Pains

2011-04-21T10:26:00.002+01:00

Here we are again, after a wonderful day yesterday, instead of walking I ended up going for a swim with a friend to the local pool. After 30 lengths, and feeling as good as I would have done had I gone walking I went home and relaxed for a while. I was going out last night to a concert and so I wasn't going to be doing much else, and guess what? I didn't do much else.

Late in the afternoon, we set off to the concert, met up with the same friend as before and headed off into Manchester on a shockingly crowded tram I must say, but once off the tram and a short walk down to the pub we met up with others and chatted away, whilst drinking and generally chilling out in a nice beer garden, the only issue was the noise of the traffic, but that was a minor consequence. The concert was wonderful, it truely was, I went to see Tim Booth, on his own this time rather than being the singer of James. I'm so glad that I went, a week earlier and it was highly likely that I wouldn't have gone I was in that sort of mood, but this week everything has begun to click back into place and I'm functioning again, all be it at now I would say 80%, as opposed to say 10% this time last week.

In December of last year I saw James play the MEN Arena and whilst the whole day was a mish mash of events with heavy snow over night, a meeting in Manchester to attend, great friends, losing my phone I hadn't really enjoyed the concert all that much. One of my friends didn't, we both felt it just wasn't quite right. I know many others who loved the show so, perhaps it was us. However last night was the opposite it was a wonderful show in a really nice small venue, which added it's character to the night I guess. So by the time I got home it was nearly 1am, and by the time I was getting to bed it was 1am.

This morning I've woken up with a small bout of sniffles, when haven't I recently if I've been swimming the day before? A bit of a sore throat, and very tired legs and feet. I guess the swim and then standing at the gig wasn't the greatest combination. However, it was well worth the aches and pains of this morning to have gone last night.

Oops.

2011-04-20T10:02:00.003+01:00

It's the middle of the week and I start this post still in the middle of a climb back up the ladder and out of the hole that I'd lived in for the past few weeks. Whilst I may put it down to exercise and the biological reaction to that, I'm sure something else should be credited with this almost 180 dgrees turnaround. However at this point in time I can't identify what that is and I couldn't care less to be honest right now. I am concentrating on getting to the point where I'm able to say I'm back, and I'm back on shore to continue the nautical analogy from yesterday.

Each day is a new challenge right now, and one I'm meeting head on with a smile. I know that I'm going to face some difficulties on the way, who doesn't? However, it's how I meet the challenges in either a positive or negative way I guess what matters. I refer back to the exercise issue, I think helped not only biologically, but also in that I thought that it would help and it did, thus giving me a positive answer to my own deliberations. To back that up the following day with the recovery of the video as I did, was a double whammy for me. It's very unusual for me to have two positives in such a short space of time and I think coupled with the walking, it gave me a rocket powered boost.

So as I come into today, I had an idea of what I wanted to do online here in the library, but that left me by the time I'd arrived so I'm just flying around various places trying to find information that I need before heading home and hoping that I've got mail. Then I can go for a walk, before starting to get ready to go out tonight. Yes, I'm off out for a change, not to any group either or swimming, but to see a concert, something different again to the norm, this week is may well go down in histroy at some point as a turning point for me. Okay, I shouldn't get carried away, but you never know?

I'm Coming Home.

2011-04-19T10:30:00.002+01:00

The dock at the port that is the real life has welcomed back the good ship Leia. I'm positive it has, I've returned back to the docks, it's still not safe to leave the ship, but I'm back in port.

I couldn't have imagined writing the above this time last week, or even as late as Sunday morning, but I'm confident that I can now. I said yesterday about going for a walk on Sunday and how it helped me feel, well I went out again yesterday and I can confirm that I feel even better than I did yesterday, confident in the fact that I've back to port, leaving all the nightmare of the past month and half out in the depths of the ocean. It's shocked me as much as it will shock anyone left reading this blog that I'm feeling so much better so quickly, but I can tell that I'm getting better and quickly, by the fact that I've already started to review this past spell of depression and have already drawn up some conclusions that I hadn't really noticed or expected.

In previous periods of depression I've always gone into work and tried to work myself through the deepest spells of depression. I've had people to talk to or at least communicate with, as I'm sure my former line manager would argue that I never talked when I was down, but communicated with others. I had my family to communicate with as well, however this time I've had none, this increased the constant feeling of loneliness that I have due to the way things are with me. I have never had to deal with this alone, and so I guess this period has probably seemed worse to lots of people. I'm not sure if it's the worse I've been, I think I've had equally worse points in the past, but I think due to circumstances I've probably felt sorry for myself even more than ever before.

That though is only the start of the review, I've got to let things settle down first before I can conclude the review, I'm not going to be coming off the anti-depressants for a while, till that day arrives I'm still going to be using a crutch as such to see me through, but there is nothing wrong with that, I can live with that. I guess that what I need to do is to sort out everything and feel comfortable before deciding to come off the tablets. In the past I've been fearful of being on them for long periods of time and becoming too dependant on them.

It's here where I need to accept that I've possibly pushed people away from me over the past few weeks, not intentionally, but through the depression and the way it's effected me. I'm sorry to all of those that I've affected over this time. It was never my intention to do so, and for some it's come at a bad time where they too have been down and whilst I'd have loved to have been there to help them, I've had to focus on myself for once. That again is perhaps a new concept for me, but I've got to now get to work building bridges and starting to help my friends and others. I've got a lot of hard work ahead of me, but for the first time in a while I can say that I'm enjoying the sights and smells of the spring time in Salford. I was in awe at the beauty of all the trees on a particular road I walked towards yesterday, and was going to take a picture, but that would have meant stopping, but hey that can happen another time soon, what was important though was that I saw the beauty and it wasn't just another image for me to process.

What a wonderful idea walking is.

2011-04-18T18:24:00.002+01:00

Wow, what a difference a weekend can make! I was dreading the weekend, and it didn't dissapoint in a way, I know the football didn't go exactly to plan, quite the opposite to be honest, but I didn't let that bother me, it can always do that even against some of our bitterest rivals. However, it was yesterday (Sunday) that has turned things around. I didn't want Sunday to come to be honest, I didn't want to do anything I was all for stopping in bed and doing diddly squat, but I realised that I needed some shopping, I needed milk, the one I'd bought previously was off, so I had to get some more and I also needed to pick up some chips, so I got up reluctantly at 10am, that was quite something for me to be able to stay in bed till then. However on getting up, I decided that I would go for a walk, I hadn't "gone for a walk" as such for some time. I walk every day near enough 1 to 2 miles, but I gently stroll that, when I say walk I mean a proper exercise 4 mile + walk. So I got home, went out for the walk in glourious weather and really enjoyed it. It blew me away, I felt so good for doing it, that I found energy to enjoy the day, I started thinking ideas rather than negative thoughts, things almost clicked with me. I woke up this morning knowing that I'd try and go for another walk today, and so I did, and I realise now that the endomorphines that were produced yesterday and today have really made a mark on me. I feel happy and up for the first time in a long time, and whilst I can't lay it firmly at the table I wish I'd not stopped "walking" a while back now. I think it would have helped me through the past few months. So I'm going to try and maintain this walking trick this time and enjoy it come rain or shine. This isn't the sole answer to everything, I know that the tablets are working now, and that the real test will come in a few months time when I come off the tablets, but if I can keep walking, keep feeling happy and good as I am today over a prolonged period then I'll be able to come off the tablets and still feel the way I am now. It's as if I hit rock bottom yesterday morning and through a break of routine, through doing something different I've come up with a solution. It's a solution that I should have thought of previously, I've posted in here how I've enjoyed the swimming sessions I've been too, all be it for what ever reason and it hadn't clicked that it was the exercise that had done it. Now it's clicked and whilst it's too early yet to say it's done the trick this time, I am feeling positive and will if it is the solution slap myself for not figuring it out earlier. So this is certainly more positive, and on top of all that I've come up with a solution to the situation over why I can't watch some of the dvd's that I've burned. I realise now that my cd rom/dvd player in my pc is faulty or coming to the end of it's life. I'm looking to see how much it will take to replace it and it isn't that much to be honest. I'd have to save hard to get it replaced with what I want, but that can wait the library has pc's with a disc drive that reads everything and I can shift them onto my flash drive and then watch them through that rather than the disc at home. I even found that I could watch an old video that I thought I'd lost forever, all 10 minutes of it. No matter how grusome it is a video of surgery always makes me think.

2011-04-15T10:58:00.002+01:00

It's Friday again, and I'm writing again. I don't know what I want to write, but I just fancy writing something whilst listening to the bbc iplayer from last night. I am at a loss in terms of things to talk about. This is so odd, normally I can find something to write about. I am sure that I have mentioned that I'm reading a book, looking at the history of England. I'm really enjoying reading this at the moment and history is something that I do enjoy, in fact I love history I think I've ignored my love of history for too long. That's probably due in part to the torrid time I had at uni doing history. As much as I loved it, it wasn't fun at that point and now reading this book and having watched a few tv shows over the past couple of years I'm rekindling my love of history. It's taking time to resurface and what aspect of history I'm wanting to explore I don't know. Perhaps I may have to take a look at the work of my aunt, to see what the family tree looks like, and see if I can find anything more, though my aunt has spent quite some time on this and I doubt that I'll be able to find much more. However knowing where I came from would be nice, in that sense. History though can be the most wonderful thing, every second that passes by is history, and whilst we may look back and think that now it's gone, it's done and dusted it never is. The past defines the present, and the present defines the future.

2011-04-14T19:18:00.002+01:00

It's been quite a few days since I last wrote anything and whilst it's been an odd few days, I've kept myself rather well, all things considering. I have been on a roller coaster ride, going up and down over many things, but have found that whilst I'm not enjoying that I'm able to cope with it a bit better. Perhaps the happy pills are kicking in, I don't know, but what I do know is that I need to remember that I'm not here to help everyone, I've got to give myself more consideration. I know I've said that before, I know that in the past I've done that and felt bad for it, so I don't know what the answer is, but I have to try for my own sake or I'll end up either hurting myself or I'll end up saying something that I regret. So I've got to work on that. So what's new? Well not a lot really, but I am now starting to tire of not having the internet at home, I can't access all the sites I want here in the library and I can't do half the things I won't to either. I am also bored of what games I've got at home on my pc, and thus that's making the days go a lot longer than I would wish them too. I can but hope that I find something to keep me busy and occupied over the next fortnight.

Honesty Hurts

2011-04-08T11:45:00.002+01:00

I guess it's time to be honest, I need to be as a way of being proud about myself. It sounds daft, but last night the bubbling sense of all my frustrations surfaced. I made a comment over on facebook, a simple comment on a friends page. It was meant in jest, but I think I upset her and in turn that flung me from the calm surface down into the depths of the swirling undertow that had been growing for the past few days. I wrote about it the other day, but couldn't quite be sure why I felt that way, and I still can't but I know it was and still is causing havoc within me. So the comment made, the realisation that I'd perhaps hurt someone, got to me and I dived into my depths to let myself free and wallow in my own stupidity. It was here that I realised I wanted to do something stupid, to do something to punish myself for the comment made, as it was obvious that no response to my appology was forthcoming. Yet what could I do to punish myself? I'd eaten, so I couldn't starve myself, I didn't fancy walking, or a visit to the bridge, it wasn't that sort of thing. No, I wanted to vent my anger upon myself, I looked at my hands, I clenched them into a fist and thought should I? Should I attack myself? However, something inside of me called out, it told me not to, to forget about it. To do something else, but it wasn't strong enough to squash the anger or the willingness to do it. The last time I did that, I gave myself a black eye, a real nice black eye. I told everyone at work that I'd walked into a cupboard at home, but I hadn't I'd hit myself in anger and frustration at another act of stupidity. I honestly don't think anyone at work really believed me when I said I'd walked into a cupboard, the black eye was too good to have been caused by a chance blow like that. I can't recall if I posted a picture of the said black eye on here, however I did make a great picture that I sometimes use as a profile picture on facebook of it. It isn't something I'm proud of, far from it, though I guess reading back it does sound as if I'm proud of it. Back to last night, I fought long and hard, before deciding to go to bed, I didn't hurt myself, I felt stupid and hope that the person that I commented to understands it wasn't meant to be a hurtful comment, just my sense of humour. I managed to get to sleep quite quickly the nervous energy that I'd spent fighting myself had worn me out and so I slept, well I say slept, I did from 11.30pm till 2.30am and then from 4.50am till 6.10am. I feel quite rested now, a lot calmer for having slept and am actually quite proud of myself for not resorting to my former habits, for be strong enough to stop myself, and for climbing another step back up the ladder to sanity. I can smile today and that's because I'm pleased with myself, it's not often I can say that, but today I can.

Wandering Mind

2011-04-07T18:44:00.003+01:00

One thinks many things at many times in the day. Be it, a simple thought about yourself, like "I'm thirsty", or a complicated task involving many thought processes. However, when one is resting or relaxing it tends to wander slightly, even if you are watching television or reading a book, you are taken into another world where the real life is almost suspended. However, the most craziest time I find my mind thinking what ever thoughts is during the times when I'm travelling, either by foot or propelled travel. I don't know what it is about travelling, but the strangest thoughts arrive to me, or some of the most sensitive aspects of my moods envelop my thought process and I assess everything. I would like to know why that is, but then lets be honest, does it matter?? It doesn't matter at all, but it's a curiosity that I thought about on my way down to the library this evening, what prompted that I don't know? That's where the idea of this post came from, and while I am thinking about it, maybe as I'm moving my mind is moving with me, and thinking other wilder thoughts rather than just the imagination of books, visual simulation etc. Maybe its the exercise is doing it good, with the "cleaner" air it's getting I don't know, but it's worth thinking about. Now then I'm trying to decide if I should stay in the library tonight and go to a presentation on UFO's, though I'm not convinced that I want to pay £3 for the rights to listen to someone talk to me for 2 hours on the subject. Still it could be interesting, yet the bigger concern I guess is that I need a couple of items from the supermarket and it shuts at 9pm when the talk finishes and I'd rather get in earlier than that to get some bargins. So no on reflection I won't be listening to the UFO presentation.

The undertow

2011-04-07T11:47:00.003+01:00

The waters appear calm on top of the surface of the pond that are my emotions today, though I know that below the waves are crashing around as violently as they have been over the past few weeks. Why I'm feeling calmer though I don't know, it isn't the pills, that would be too quick of a response, but as I set off on my journey to the library today I realised how much calmer I was at least on the surface. I know that it's going to take time, my attention span right now is fairly short, I'm not able to maintain much attention on things which is a sign that things are not quite right, I've got no energy to motivate myself to do anything other than perhaps come down to the library once a day and that's about it. I am struggling and that's without a shadow of a doubt. So we'll see how today moves on and how the next few days move on as well. Being able to identify this helps I guess, it at least shows that I'm spotting things again and I know that whilst I may not have much of an idea as to why I'm here, I can see at least read the signs identify the situation accept it and try and deal with it. So what else is new? Not a lot, I'm still as always waiting for reply's to job applications, I'm still not getting any sort of communication from my family, except my aunt in Canada. I find that hard to accept at times, but hey what can I do? I mean it's not for me to do anything as it's always been them ignoring me, so why should I continue to make the effort?? I'm not going to go down that road again, it's been done so often, so it's what else?? Well not a lot really...

great friends

2011-04-06T12:20:00.003+01:00

It's been a short while since I wrote in here, mainly due to me not coming here for a couple of days this week, or not having the time to write anything. I need to write, I need to tell the world that for someone who struggles for friends, I have some of the best in the world, if not the best in the world. The only problem I have with these friends are that none of them live close at hand, and seeing them is about as regular as Liverpool winning the league title...... It's not having people close at hand I guess that drives me crazy, but slowly I'm trying my hardest to develop friendships with people closer than 10 miles away from my flat. It's just taking time I guess. However, I've returned to the anti-depressants and lets see how they take hold, I have fought not to return to them, as I don't like having to fall back to them, it's a matter of fighting my issues all on my own and for the majority of the time I seem to figure out the issues myself, but it's when they all come together or I'm not ready to really fight them that I fall apart as I have done recently. Those of you reading, may find that the posts start to become a bit brighter over the next few weeks, who knows? However, watch this space. Arrgh, I've just spotted a little irritant of using the library computers that I hadn't really noticed before. I've been using them for a while now and more importantly to update this place regularily, as I'm still off line at home. However, just writing here and I must have pressed the caps lock as everything went caps. Now it isn't an issue I could edit it easily enough, but as my keyboard at home posts a message on my screen if I go into caps lock, I hadn't noticed. It's a very minor irritant, in fact it isn't much of one, but heck it's just the little things every now and again that tweak my senses. So with that I'll depart, I have to say THANK YOU again to my friends, some of you may know who that means, some of you may not, my list of friends is possibly between me and the deep blue sea. Though why we say deep blue sea I don't know as blue of course isn't the colour of water, it's the reflection of the sky that makes it seem blue. Oh now I'm wittering on about something I only know a little of, so I best go.

Going Up

2011-04-01T20:16:00.002+01:00

Goodness me, what a 24 hours or so I've had, apart from all my miserable thoughts that I've had, the downer that I'm on, in the last 5 or 6 hours things seemed to have bucked the trend. OK, so I don't get any happy pills till Monday, so I'm not suggesting that I've suddenly become happy. No, fortune has granted me two little things to grasp hold of. First a kind act by the guy who came to check the electrics out in my flat, on behalf of the landlord. I won't say it so he won't get in trouble, but thanks for what you did it's helped me out no end. Secondly in the ensuing period an email from the BBC, asking me to fill in an assessment form. OK, they had 48,000 applications for posts at the new building in Salford and I wonder just how many emails like that they sent out? However, as it's the first positive response to any application in about 6 months, it has brightened up the day some what. However trying to complete the assessment has taken me far longer than I could have imagined and certainly over 90 minutes as that's two sessions on the library computers, it's a good job there are only 4 of us trying to share 28 pc's right now. So I'll leave it now, I don't want to dilute my thoughts with too much negativity, which I can do and often do when writing in here, so it's a bit of a positive end to the week.

Grim times ahead

2011-03-31T19:03:00.003+01:00

Well I doubted that I'd have the internet back at home today and my doubts were proven right. However, that isn't a big issue, it's money again or lack of it. No matter how hard one tries to save, it never happens. Even with me recording and budgeting it's getting beyond a joke now. I'm looking at having next to nothing left by this time next week with still a week left before my next payment. I can't carry on like this, I'm too stressed by it. I've no standard of living at all, it's not even an existance. My diet consists of purchasing the cheapest soups, pasta and baked beans with cheap potatoes, burgers and oven chips. 7 out of every 14 days is soup and pasta, and the others are baked spuds and beans with chips and burger the other. I know I should be grateful for that compared to some places in the world, but after 6 months of the same thing I'm tired, and I know my health isn't good. The only advantage of it, I guess is the continual weight loss. However, with the money situation as it is, I'm having to consider if I can even afford to go the next Trec meeting as well as the following swimming session and they are after all my only social activities every month. I know that I've a couple of concerts I'm due to go to, but at this rate I may have to sell my Manchester ticket to survive and ask my friend if someone else can go with her, to the other concert as I'm not even sure I'll be able to afford the train fare to the concert now. This isn't good at all, and whilst trying to patch things together this morning in terms of how much money I had or would have after paying off bills, buying food and doing my laundry, I realised that I had to get some anti-depressants, other wise I'd end up doing some serious damage to myself in the next two weeks. I only hope I can survive.

Top of the land

2011-03-30T12:56:00.002+01:00

This again is going to be a speedy post, I'm not sure why today I'm feeling a bit happier than of late? Perhaps I'm just feeling a bit positive about myself, what ever it is, I'm happy, I'm good and whilst in this mood I'm going to enjoy myself. It isn't often that I get this feeling and my self confidence is bouyed as well. So hey I could shout I'm on top of the world, but no that isn't true, what is true, I'm on top of my own private land and after everything that I've been through of late I'm pleased to announce that today. I'd rather be on top of the world, but that's going to take a lot longer, everything that I've stated in this blog before hand will have to happen to make me make that bold statement, but this is a small step in the right direction. I'm not even sure as to how I've got to here, I think it was more by accident to be honest, and that being deciding it was time to change how I'd had my hair for a week or two. It wasn't even a cut or a colouring, just a different style (well almost, just reversed the one I had and for some reason it worked magic on me.), not that it will last, but hey ho one can try and hope can't we?? The need for speed has gone, I only had about 5 minutes left of time here at the library and while I thought that would be enough I have got another 45 minutes as I've got nothing more to do today, nor can I do much more with approimately £3.45 to my name till tomorrow. So I'll stop in here and type this out, and then go do some other bits and bobs in and around the net. I'm hoping that this time tomorrow my internet service might be back online at home, though I'm not holding much hope out, and won't be too down or shocked if it isn't after I've made a payment. However if it is, I'll possibly end up tweaking a few things in terms of how it looks etc. I can type a post here in the library, but I can't see the post once it's published so apart from the very small screen on my phone (as I'd lost my phone last December, which would have been easier to use in terms of the net than the one I've got right now, not that I'm not grateful for having a phone full stop.).

Fingers crossed

2011-03-29T12:32:00.002+01:00

It's been a couple of days since I wrote anything, mainly due to the fact that the library is closed on a Sunday and yesterday apart from coming in early to look for jobs and pick up emails, I had things to do, i.e. my presentation in Leigh to do. So I only came down in the morning for 45 minutes and then I left. So the presentation went OK from my perspective, however as some of the students arrived late, it left me rushing some what through the presentation, but I got through it all giving all the information that I was required to do so. I'm sure that it could have gone a bit better, but till I get a full set of feeback sheets from the students next week, I don't know how they fully feel about it. Still I'm calm and feeling fine about it. Life could be better of course, still I'm not going to complain to much, I've felt worse recently, but I've felt better obviously. That's life I guess. So this week brings it's own unique variety of ups and downs I guess and I'm sure that over the next few days I'll post stuff that is very odd, very silly and down rather dull perhaps. I'm hoping that I may find my internet connection at home by the end of the week, however I can't say for sure, but that would be a bonus I guess. Still I've got the library to use if I haven't. I'll depart on that note with fingers crossed.

Whirlpool

2011-03-25T10:24:00.002Z

So I sit here writing another post, and my emotions are running around like Usain Bolt on speed. It only takes about 10 or 15 minutes to walk from my flat to here, and during that time I went from down, to happy to angry and then frustrated. All of them very real, all of them felt by myself.

I left the flat, knowing the post hadn't been, and as I left the building itself the postman was on the other side of the road. I am resigned to not even getting an interview for the posts that I had applied for the other week, the ones I really had wanted, but as with other things when the cold hard reality of it all hits, it hurts. The hopes and aspirations of even getting an interview blown away in an instant. So with a heavy heart I walked up the road, despondant and formulating this entry in my head. I continued my ever slowing walk till I left my road, crossed over and turned towards Eccles.

That was when a broad smile errupted upon my face. What could change my mood from such negativity? Well it was simple, something so simple and yet so effective. Someone was either moving out of there house or moving in, they had a big removal truck stuck outside of the house. Either way it was the truck that made me smile, the name of the company "Mr Shifter Removals", a very simple name harking back to the the wonderful PG Tips adverts of yesteryear. Yes, they weren't very PC in the way they used the chimp's, but they were funny in the day and the Mr Shifter one always makes me laugh even today. So my mood was enlightened some what as I journeyed to the library.

At the end of that road though were some road works, they are doing major rebuilding to a railway bridge and additional support to the road bridge at the same time. All in all, 20 weeks of work, which isn't too bad I guess, though it is a major road in and out of Eccles. Still they've been some what busy this past week. However the thing that annoyed me was that after putting up wooden boards against the railings over the motorway, they felt the need to employ 2 people to paint them! Why? I mean we can all see them, we all know why they are there, it's not as if during the next 20 weeks, the people walking across the bridge will notice them. In a time where money is tight, it smacks of a waste of money and time in many ways.

Once the anger had wore away, I got to thinking about how in such a short space of time, I'd had such mixed emotions and the frustration that I seemingly am not getting any further along in my hunt for a new job, that any hope in that area seems to be slipping away, and after an encounter I had last night reintroduced me to my past, I felt so frustrated by everything once more. Life can suck at times.

The strange maze that is my mind

2011-03-24T12:48:00.002Z

It's another entry into the blog sphere that is my mind and my moods. Perhaps the weather is having an effect on me, as my mood does seem to be a bit brighter of late, though I perhaps, it's more a case of me having hit rock bottom and I'm on the climb back to relative calmness.

So I sit hear listening to a 6 music show from last Sunday which I missed, but am very happy listening to it now, I only wish I'd remembered to start listening earlier in the session at the library today as I wouldn't have had to stay just so long in the library, but hey it's all good I guess and it keeps me busy and out of the flat for some time. Still no news on the job front for me, so I doubt it will come to anything this time which is unfortunate. So I've got a raft of other jobs to look and apply for, this past week hasn't been a very good week for jobs, but hey that's the way the cookie crumbles.

I guess that as time goes on, and my mood lightens I've got to set goals to attempt not to reach the bottom again, but as I crash so often and have so many coping mechanisms, as mentioned previously I've got sit down and examine the reasons why, and see if I can change the whole situation. That isn't a simple thing, and even if the circumstances were to change and everything that I've said I would want to prevent this sort of thing happening again, I seriouosly doubt it's not going to happen again. I've said it many a time, that happiness is a drug, probably the most powerful drug known to the human race. Once tried, we all look to have some more, but unlike other drugs around in the world, true happiness isn't available from a shop, it isn't bought on a street corner from some dealer, it's something that comes naturally I guess and in many forms.

What is it though that drives me to search for happiness, what is it that comprises of happiness for myself? I have said many things over the past couple of weeks in here that I think are right, and while some may be so, others may not be, I really don't know. I look back on my life for those moments when I've really been happy, and what has taken place before those moments to establish them. It's crazy isn't it that I'm questioning things all over again when I'm proclaiming to be rather happier than before. It's a conundrum isn't it and I'm puzzled by it all, it's strange and as it's my mind then perhaps perfectly natural to be strange.

Audio recordings

2011-03-23T13:51:00.003Z

And so the nightmare that would have been has been done and dusted, it's over with and it wasn't too bad at all. I've been into the radio studio this morning and done some recording. I've not heard it back yet, but when I get home in a bit and get a chance I'm going to listen to some of it, and edit it up so it sounds fine before adding it to the powerpoint presentation that I've built up over the past 12 months. It's only a crazy idea that I came up with over the weekend, but if it works then I'll be very happy and get more brownie points off those to whom I'm giving a presentation too next Monday.

So what else? Well I've also bought myself a book to read, which sounds nothing like major news, it isn't, but as the book in the library still hasn't arrived and it's having to be re-ordered due to the error they have made with the previous order I've got nothing to read right now, or should I say I've nothing to pick up and read, I've got a book at home on hockey, but with the book I've got to read, the one from the library and one to be released in the next few weeks, I've got plenty of reading to get through before I get onto the hockey book.

Still no news on the job front, which is disheartening, but hey as I said yesterday, I don't expect to hear anything, but it does effect me. So I'll keep my fingers crossed on one hand as two sets of fingers crossed is bad luck. This blog post is becoming a bit of a pain, not in writing as I'm finding things to write quite easily even if it's a bit more positive than of late. What I'm grinding my teeth about is my lack of spelling today, which is meaning near enough every other word or so is being spelt wrong, and that's annoying. It's more a matter of finger and thumbs mind you as I'm flinging my fingers in the right direction, but hitting all the wrong keys if you know what I mean, if I slowed down I'd be fine, but I'm just wanting to keep at a fast pace today for some reason.

Still the faster I type the more that goes down, and so back to myself. I don't feel as gloomy as I could be though things aren't great and during the recording session in the studio I delved in some of my darker issues. I guess it was just good to explore them that way rather than typing today. That's also a reason as to why this could be brighter than most of my entries, however, like the weather I'm a bit sunnier today, may not be hot to trot, but it's brighter than the storm clouds of last week.

Wow mix and match metaphors my dear, I really shouldn't do that, but for a change I don't care, I don't care how this entry sounds or looks like (well I do actually, as I'll colour the text and change the fonts around when I've finished), so let's just see where this all finishes.

Just going back to the recordings I've made, when I'm back online at home, I'll explore if I can post some of what I've recorded onto this site and see how it goes. That would be nice. I think also that if I were to go back into the studio I'd like to take my powerpoint presentation and record the script for that, so that I have some sort of marker for myself as such. I know what I say in that, and the approximate time I take, however it's never the same and I could do with a marker script as such to run along with in the future, however that's in the future, let's get the latest presentation of the powerpoint done and dusted first. That's this coming Monday and so I'm hoping things go OK with that.

Melancholy

2011-03-22T12:25:00.003Z

Arrgghh, just when you think it's safe to enter the world once more it comes up, it's bites your leg, it's arm and god knows what ever else. I thought I was improving, I thought things were settling down, but how wrong was I?

Don't panic, things aren't as bad as they seem, however, coming down to the library, I had time to contemplate things and things weren't that great, and so with some melancholy, I entered the library and things just continue to hit me. I reserved a book yesterday, I checked to see if it had arrived the system is saying it's awaiting collection, but it can't be found in the library, it's a mystery. OK, it's not earth shattering, but it's an omen, things are going to continue to go wrong for me.

I am a very unlucky person, I have always been so, but at times I curse the bad luck I have it's unreal the amount of times that I've ended up feeling let down. I built my hopes up for a couple of jobs I applied for, I really wanted either of them, it would have been a complete departure from what I have done previously, but I was prepared for that, and fancied them. I have till Friday to hear if I've even got an interview, but as each day passes I fear the worse and whilst I know that I've probably been over looked, due to many factors, and being sensible about it, I shouldn't have built my hopes up, but I can't help the feeling of desperation and disapointment that I will do when I don't hear anything back by Friday.

Perhaps I've smashed too many mirrors over the years, but I can't recall smashing one, let alone enough to have lasted me this far into my life. This isn't good, the further I am writing today, the more depressive I'm becoming and I don't want that, I want to remain fairly positive. Oh well so let's cut this one short hey??

The Power.

2011-03-21T11:08:00.003Z

It's strange what a week can do to someone. I sit here writing this post, knowing that the power and the fury that raged within last week has disipated from me, I'm still lonely, I'm still down and miserable, but I'm not letting it take me to the depths it was last week.

Has writing helped? Perhaps? Has knowing people have been supportive helped? Perhaps? Have I done anything to help myself? Perhaps? I don't know what the key to it all is, all I do know is that I'm no longer on the edge of things, I'm very much calmer and yet things haven't changed one bit, I'm still broke, I've still got no job, I've still got very few friends, but I'm no longer seeing the darkness.

What ever has happened, has been good, I'm obviously in a much better mental position, and maybe by Wednesday afternoon, I may be even better, but I'm going to do something other than write, I'm going to talk about it. I hope I find that as easy as writing perhaps. Still we wait and see, but it's been good to let the emotions go, but lets wait till we get past that to see. So this week offers, little or no different to the last, just applying for jobs and coming to the library. Let's see if anything changes and I get an interview, lets see if I can get a change of luck. Oh that thing called luck, the one thing that my life has never had.

Oh and I'm being told my sister wants me to contact her, well that's strange considering how much she's gone out of her way to avoid me, to ignore me. Well it's not for me to do that it's for her.

2011-03-19T12:09:00.003Z

So it's Saturday, I've met a friend who I hadn't seen for a while, and chatted before coming into the library, but that's all I've done so far today. I was due to come in here a lot sooner and I don't know how long I've got to write, as I'm not sure how long till this place shuts down. I've got two kids on the pc opposite me, and from the rather loud conversation they are having they are playing a version of "track and field" on the pc. It's actually quite funny as one of the kids has had to ask if the person at the "real Olympics", actually fires a gun like that in real life.

How am I today, well I'm chipper, but not as chippy as I should be, but then is that not a surprise. I've got some things planned which will help me over the next few days. I'm hoping that by opening up that I'll be able to get rid of some of the tension that is building up inside of me. The one thing that I have to say is that something was said to me last night by a friend, who whilst trying to help did quite the opposite, it didn't help it was the wrong thing to say to me due to the nature of the issues that I'm currently dealing with.

I am facing my issues, and trying to address them, the loneliness one is the hardest one to deal with, as well as being to proud for my own good. I even realise that should I be lucky to be offered a job soon, I'll have to get myself into a good place to start, as it wouldn't make the best impression for me to be starting in one of my darker moods. I know some of my former managers would be able to tell me from my appearance what sort of mood I'm in, which is a bit of a shocker, but hey that's life.

Anyway, I'm not going to waffle on too much, I'm going to have to decide what to do from here today. Apart from going home and possibly watching a video, as I've started to re-watch the series "Lost Girl", it's the second time round for watching this show, even though it's only recently finished. However on second viewing I'm spotting things that I sort of missed the first time round, and that's good. What wasn't good though was missing the ending of the first episode last night as I fell asleep, it wasn't late, but I was just a bit tired. It's a shame that on a Friday night I'm in bed by 9pm, bored off my head. OK so last night I watched a Billy Connelly dvd, and then the first episode of Lost Girl, well most of it anyway. Still it's eating up time and keeping me sort of entertained. Tomorrow I may well go for a walk, a nice long walk perhaps, though that's if I can be seriously bothered.

2011-03-18T13:39:00.003Z

So having changed the style of this blog, I can now start to post. So where am I today? Apart from being in the library (of course! No chance of being at home, well not for at least another 2 weeks I'd say), I'm a bit less emotional today, a bit brighter for a change, but suffering from a headache. I've no reason for that, and the woman next to me isn't helping with constant sniffles, sighs and stuff, all at a noise level that's louder than anything I've heard in a few years. Still it looks like she's gone now, and perhaps I can have a little peace and quiet.

Maybe I'm being rather nasty by saying that above, but it was just situational, I've started a new project at home, to fill in some time that I've got, this is project Queen, much similar to the earlier project James, that was completed just before Xmas of last year. I've got quite a bit more work on this project, though it isn't all bad. I've got roughly a 16th of it done today, just another 15 or so more to go. It's about time I started this project, but to find the motivation after finishing the James project was near enough non-existent.

I guess that's a good sign, that I'm becoming motivated to do things, I've sent emails to people that I'd been putting off or forgetting about today, I've been sorting other things out as well. This is a good thing, it's keeping me active and away from my issues. (oh no the woman is back, but she's no idea on how to use a photocopier now, which is oh so easy.). However by not looking at the problems that will only keep them at bay for so long, I've got to address them at some point or other. If I don't then I'll just find myself here again at some point.

I'm sorry that I can't continue, the yaking and distractions are stopping my train of thought, I'm going to have to leave this for now.

New Look

2011-03-17T19:37:00.001Z

I've decided to change the look of this blog, it's been the same near enough since I started it, and now it's time for a change. I hope you all like the brighter schemes, and I certainly hope you all can read it. If there is a problem with the colours and fonts let me know and I will change things around again to make it easier.

2011-03-17T13:55:00.002Z

It's never easy to write a post for this, not when I'm surrounded by people, but hey who really cares, no one is really watching me, it's only my own opinion that someon will be reading this and if I'm bothered about someone reading this over my shoulder, why should I post what I write??

So what of today? Well it's nearly 2pm, I've probably done enough today as it is without doing much more. However, I've not got a lot else on the agenda other than be here and then go home and do nothing. I guess when I do get home I'll write one or two job applications out to be sent tomorrow, but that's about it. By the time they are complete it will be time to eat and then I've got to decide if what I want to watch from my video collection. Last night I couldn't find much I wanted to watch, I'm almost scared of starting watching a series from scratch for some reason. I guess I don't want to become attached to it and don't want to put any emotion behind it, being as fragile as I am.

I am fragile, very much so. Today has been tough, I just want to break down and cry at every opportunity, I'm not allowing myself to do that, I'm tougher than that, but it's interesting to be like this. I wouldn't really mind, but I have very little idea as to why I'm like this today. I should be happy, I've been paid today and thus I'm solvent for the next week or so. I do need to get a job soon, to help cheer me up some what. I should thank my best friend Lisa, for the phone call last night it helped so much just to chat to some one rather than typing out the message. Anyway, that's me for today I'm going to keep it shorter than of late, as my creative writing jucies are nt sparkling at this moment in time.

Hey ho.... more sense today.

2011-03-16T14:46:00.003Z

So I've a little time today and a little less distraction to write this post, I guess after yesterday when I felt a bit better, the crash has taken place, I'm back amongst the fringes of the dark. However, I'm more focussed, I'm not as rooted in it, but I'm there.

It's really difficult to provide an answer to everything, I shouldn't be looking to find one really, as knowing the answer would only lead to further problems. Life isn't supposed to be perfect, I'm well aware of that, if it was perfect what would the point of it all be anyway? No the issue is trying not to let things get in my way. I know that this isn't always that easy and I'm rubbish at trying to look away, however I do try.

I guess the problem is whilst sorting one or two issues out in my life, and then wading through the mess of them, that I've taken the eyes off other problems. I've had to curtail my social life, which has meant pulling away from one support group, because I can't afford to go to it, and that hasn't helped one bit either. So trying to sort out the money aspect of life has led to other problems, i.e. the loneliness. Which when I've examined it, has been compounded by other issues along the way. Of course being able to see that is a good thing, but being able to prevent it taking place would be better, and how would I do that? Well a job perhaps? Yes, that would help, but having had a job previously I didn't feel the need to attend support groups, I thought I was out of that arena, but obviously not, but then the groups I've been too I've enjoyed so I would more than likely remain with them. So what is the answer? Who knows? It really is a quandry, and one that I constantly battle.

A light bulb moment has just taken place and some serious introspection is about to take place. I have just realised that I some how always seem to find an anchor to my problems and circle everything back to it. It seems that after one was replaced another, has appeared. I know plently of people, but now here lies the question, a friendship is a two way issue, and means communication between people, be it mail, talking over the phone or face to face, going places and meeting up etc. Now I know that money is tight for me and I can't do much, but the sheer lack of communication, and lack of seeing people is an issue. I feel and this is how I see things, so if others wish to tear me apart or fall out with me, fair enough, but I make an effort to talk to people, I'll write, I'll phone and in the past have gone to see people, but when that isn't recipricated I do get slightly concerned, is the friendship one sided, do I see too much in the friendship? Why have I only ever had 4 friends ever come to see me at my flat? That's not to bad considering I've been in that flat now coming up for 8 or 9 years. My maths is OK, so a friend pops around to my place once every 2 years or so. Phone calls are almost as rare, it says something when the person to have rang me the most over the past 12 months is my aunt from Canada. This is why I get lonely, this is why I feel I impose on others, it's based on the facts I can see, it isn't some mashed up logic.

Maybe it's the cabin fever striking, when you consider my flat is one room, about 3 yards by 2. I can just about swing an ant around in it. I'm stuck in it for so long with nothing but my PC. I must be stronger than I think to have lasted so long. Still hey ho..........

Coping????

2011-03-15T12:27:00.004Z

So here we are, lunch time on a Tuesday, sat in the library about to set about a post on this blog again. Listening to Just A Minute from last night, with a smile on my face, it's amazing how a simple concept can create a beautiful quiz show.

That though isn't where this entry is about to go, I fear I have to explain myself to the world or to those that have been reading this blog recently. Over the years I've seen councilors, I've seen psychiatrist's and they've all helped me in terms of problems I had, and how to deal with others that may arrive over time. I've got lots of coping stratagies, on how to help myself in times of need. I've recently been going through a bad time, a dark time in which I've been searching through all of them to help myself cheer up. Most of them haven't seemingly worked to help me and whilst I'm feeling slightly better today, I'm not sure if it's just a slight bump or the start of the recovery.

However, I just want to talk about what I have written recently here. I've said I wanted to divorce life. I don't want to die right now, I'm quite happy living, I don't fear death as we are all going to die at some point so why fear something that is going to happen? What I do want to alter the way things are and why they keep returning to the same issues, I don't want to keep trying to impose myself on others in an attempt to be a friend, to stop my loneliness. This is how I see myself, I am a social animal and like to mix with others, but of course my social life is non existant, so I've got to try and create one. Yet, there are few friends close by, there are few people close by to even contact. To a point talking on facebook, on any variety of internet chat programmes, is fine, but it isn't exactly talking face to face, or over the phone where one can hear the expression in the voice.

So if I have to change my life to achieve this then so be it, I want the old one to go, to depart, I want to divorce it from myself and get a new one.

As for trying to cope over the past few days with my moods, I talked about the bridge, and whilst to many that may sound as if I wanted to kill myself then I need to point out that it isn't. I said before that I'm happy to live and I am. The bridge is a challenge to myself, it would be easy to throw myself off the but for me it's the looking into the abyss that helps, I find that it helps train my thoughts on the issues that is causing my problems. It always helps, it may scare others, and I know from experience that is the case. I should say sorry to those that it has, but this is for myself, this is my coping strategy and if it works woo hoo. However, it didn't this time and so I'm still searching for the way forward for myself.

So it's near the end of the entry, I've probably waffled on more than ever before, I've gone through the whole episode of Just A Minute and had to contain my laughter at an excellent episode, which has distracted me some what, but hey that's the way it is. I'm happy with this waffle today and if others aren't the boo hoo. I wasn't going to write too much on any one entry at the library for fear of others reading what I was typing at that one moment, but hey ho. I've done it now and I've got to decide on the technical aspects of it now, like colours and title.

Dark Times

2011-03-14T09:22:00.002Z

It's not the greatest day, I'm struggling to maintain even a modicum of a cheerful personna to the world. It's increasingly difficult, I'm alone, I feel rejected by the world and nothing seems to be getting any closer to completion. I hate the way my life has gone so far. I want a new one, I want a new life, I'm looking at divorcing the current one to find a new one, but how one does that I don't know.

I even ventured to the motorway bridge again last night, I made sure it wasn't the same one as the last time when I was nearly sectioned, and I was also very aware that at 11pm, it would be highly unlikely that I would cause as much panic. However it did help a bit, and I felt a bit better for it, once at home. That though isn't the answer to my problems, and what would it achieve? I only know when things are going to go right for me, when I can say something positive in here.

Oh well only a short post, it's not easy typing these sort of things in the library.

Old Favourites return

2011-03-10T11:50:00.004Z

This isn't going to be some great post, I didn't have any intention to write, but here we go. I'm feeling OK, looking for work and trying to keep cheerful, however I'm finding things a little bit tough if I'm honest. I guess it's something to do with being alone again.

Yes, it's that thing again, but I guess it's hit this time due to circumstances beyond my control to be fair. I could not imagine things taking place that have done, though I should have expected them to happen as we all know that I'm not exactly the luckiest person around, but for a change I wasn't expecting things to go as badly as they did. To say badly isn't the right thing to be fair, it was more unfortunate, though of course with my way of thinking on these things then it was always going to be a disaster.

Anyway not to worry, perhaps this weekend will make things better, who knows. I'm off out into Manchester during the day for a group that I attend, and that should at least take away some of the loneliness. Yes, it's only monthly but it does help. I also know that perhaps watching too many tv shows or films which are centred on or have a central relationship strand too them hassn't helped, but hey I'll sort myself out and ground myself again.

Anyway, got to run time is running out here. I'm at the library, as I've had my internet service suspended at home and I can't stay in the library all day. So I'll be gone soon and back to the confines of my flat. I'll have to post some more now I know I can do via the library.

Promotion

2011-01-23T11:43:00.004Z

I was going to write a post as to why some days seem to drag whilst others fly past, but I'm sure that I've done that one before. Today is one of those days that's dragging along slower than a snail. I'm not sure why this is the case, if anything it should be flying by as I didn't get out of bed till around 7.45, which though only 30 minutes or so later than I would normally I felt as if I was behind on the day before it started. However when I look at the clock and find it's not even midday I'm puzzled as to why it is. Maybe it's because since I woke up, apart from becoming brighter outside, the sky outside has been a mottled grey coloured all day, seemingly no change.

So another day another post this is almost a regular thing at the moment, but I guess it isn't a bad thing, I've said before it's good to write. So the past few days, I may have not been too creative in terms of what I've written, but I don't care. I've been able to spend some time here typing away, forcing myself to think either about me or about an emotion or even just to try and think of something to write. It's giving myself some time to do something other than read or contemplate comments on a forum.

Mind you it also free's my mind to explore other things like the up coming presentation that I've got. I've altered it from the original version that I had from last year, not much but the change is there. I don't know if it's going to be taken as well, but I need to change it before I can promote it elsewhere, I need different version to keep it fresh. By looking at that and also doing some research into it, it's widening my train of thought which again is good. Though of course as the forth coming presentation gets closer the more inclined I am to want to change the presentation completely and try and do something completely different with it, however that would be crazy right now, I'd have to do so much work to do that and why would I want to change something that worked well last year completely? I think that's the insecurity within me, perhaps it's why I've not gone out and tried to get other places to take a chance on me. However I've had others say it's good, and not only the tutor from last year, but from those in the community. I just hope that I can get enough confidence from the upcoming performance to say yes, it's time to expand this.

I guess the above is showing my own levels of insecurity and nervousness about self promotion of myself. I've never been much good on that and whilst I've tried to boost my self belief, self confidence, I guess that all the crap that has taken place or gone against me or the perceived bad luck etc, turns me into a negative person when talking about myself. I shouldn't because I know I'm not as bad as I claim I am, but yet I like others probably knock themselves down rather than build themselves up. Though I doubt others would knock themselves down as much as myself, but with everything that has taken place (there I go again), I just seem to want to put myself down at the bottom all the time.

If I'm honest, I'm proud of the presentations that I did last year, I haven't had a bad word about it yet, and so why should I be so unsure of it's worth outside of where it's been seen? I don't? I think it's more about me selling me rather than what I can do. That's the issue, more than keeping the presentation fresh as such. It does the job it's supposed to do on the label and of that I'm sure. It's the selling of me, the lack of confidence in me that's the issue. So I'll be positive and set myself a little goal, once the presentation is done at Leigh this year, I'll ask for a testament from the tutor to it's effectiveness, to which I'll glean a quote from and add that to or the whole thing I'm not sure yet to a letter and I'll send to at least 5 colleges with a view to doing the presentation there either this academic year or next. I may even ask for a testament from one of the students as well.

Dream

2011-01-22T11:27:00.002Z

When I grow tired of all the visual images that I digest in a day I know it's time to rest, it's time to stop looking and sleep. Yet, I've never been a big sleeper in my life, I went many years with roughly 3 hours sleep per night, I can happily live off that, but would rather not. Sleep is a wonderful thing, it rests the mind, the eyes and body, something that no matter hard one tries you just can't do voluntarily as well as sleep. So why go on about sleep today? Well it's something that whilst I'm getting enough of, of late I'm not sure if it's of great quality.

Still one sleeps more now than I used, so no matter how good a quality sleep I get I shouldn't complain. This isn't a complaint either, it's just that I know my sleep isn't great, I don't think I hit deep sleep as often as I used to. Perhaps due to the small amount of sleep I used to get, I'd hit deep sleep quicker and would feel way better after say 3 hours than I do now after 5 or so hours. I guess having stresses keeping one awake possibly made sleep better. So would I swap stess for longer sleep time? A simple answer that isn't it, No I wouldn't.

It's the weekend now, and I have often wondered why the weekend has a different feel to it. It's odd isn't it, in that even if you are working it's slightly different to Monday to Friday. I'm not sure what it is that makes it so different, if I could pinpoint that difference I'd possibly make a fortune in the book that describes the reason why. I think it's the same with holidays, most people take them, and feel better for them, yet they are just ordinary days, but perhaps you just spend them doing different things. I'm sure it could be described due to people being a bit more relaxed, but I'm not sure that's the only reason as to why holidays and subsequently weekends feel different to 'normal' days.

Waffling, I'm waffling, I just want to write something that has some meaning, but am struggling to write anything. I could have written about my visit to my former workplace yesterday, but I didn't want to do that, and so I've waffled to try and find inspiration as to something to write, something that perhaps means something or stirs up emotions inside of me. I like writing stuff that stirs up emotions in me, they dont' have to be happy or sad, they can be any emotion, I'm sure or at least I hope that comes out in my writing. I've said many a time that writing is cathartic for myself, it eases away the emotions as I write about them. I think it's the thought process and the options that I present myself when writing about what ever that is the important thing. I'm not saying that I ever follow what I've said I'd do, or if I do it's not always the correct thing to do, but it's perhaps important at that point in time to do something rather than nothing. I've got nothing to explore and hence the waffling, but I just want to write and I'm not one for writing fiction, I've tried and whilst I used to be rather creative or at least I thought I was when I was 9 or 10, that was soon banished into the oblivion. I have plenty of stories to tell, but none of them would be original, or should I say none of the story lines would be original, perhaps the story would be, but too many stories have been written before hand, to make anything original these days.

Wow this has sounded rather negative considering how I stated that I wanted to be more positive, but I am being positive, I'm not trying to kick myself here, this is just me being honest and whilst it may seem to be hurtful and self derogitory, I don't take that way, I look at what I've put and say yeah that's me, but I'm so much better with other things in my life, I know I'm good at those things and whilst I want to improve like we all want to improve, there are things and times when one has to accept that the margins for improvement is less than perhaps we would like or expect of ourselves. We have to accept who we are, rather than continuing to imagine that perfect reality that we dream about, reality is a dream, only dreamers think they don't have any problems.

Domino Days

2011-01-19T19:47:00.002Z

Crumbs, things do happen all at once don't they? Like this blog, I don't add for ages and then along come a small flurry of posts...

Well, today has been just one of those "Typical Days", in the life of me. I was being positive in yesterday's post and I'm trying to stay that way, however I sit here and wonder where half of that positivity has gone. OK, so this morning was going to be predictable, I went down to Asda to purchase some printer cartridges, which are the cheapest I can find, so off I trots on a gentle couple of mile walk, only to find they didn't have any of the own brand in, but the official brand ones were there, both of them were virtually £10 dearer than the own branded versions. So I didn't buy and so on the way back I detoured to my mum's to pick up a Christmas present from my niece, what a lovely present it was too, a mug..... Not any old mug though it's got Blinky on it!!! Now who's Blinky?? He's the red ghost from Pac Man, yes I've got a pac man mug!!! Pac Man is my second geeky obsession along with Star Wars. Sad I know, but Blinky, Inky, Pinky and Clyde are cool, I guess the only thing for me to do now is go and find the rest of the collection of mugs with the other ghosts and Pac Man himself on it.

That's one good, against one bad, nothing too problematic I guess, oh and a card from one of my aunts was with it. So with that in my bag, I set off for home, thinking I'd find something for tea at the new Tesco's on the way home, well we know what thought did, so that didn't happen. I got home, started to watch a couple of tv shows, only to get a phone call from my mum, telling me the aunt that I'd got the card from today, had died today... two down, so that wasn't the best news I'd heard.

Later on I got another phone call, telling me that for some reason the insurance brokers I had my home insurance with had decided to renew it even though I'd told them not to, and that they think I owe them money... I'm sorry but I said no, so why it was renewed I don't know, and I've not got the money I'm alleged to owe them. So that sort of killed the day completely. What started out as any other day, collapsed under negativeity, luckily I'm in a position to deal with it, and writing about it helps. All I am going to say is FU*K the lot of it, tomorrow's another day and it's going to be better. Well it will be after paying some bills and carrying the washing to the laundrette.

Looking Forward

2011-01-18T19:59:00.002Z

As the last entry was a review, this is a look forward or should I say an evaluation of 2011 before 2011 has begun. Now it would be easy to say that I would like a better 2011, and that I would love to be able to pick the numbers for tomorrow's £10m lottery roll over, and that I'll live happily ever after. It ain't going to happen though is it? I mean what are the chances? So 2011 is going to be the year I try to stay positive.

I'm going to continue to lose weight, as and where I can I'll do some big walks, and hopefully that will include the Manchester Shine Walk, all 26 miles. I've got my targets in that department, but of course I don't want to rush it with a mad diet and lose lots of weight in one go. I've enjoyed losing it slowly and being able to eat near enough what I've wanted over the past 7 or 8 months. Not having enough money to buy lots of food has helped, and plenty of pasta is good anyway for giving me energy to walk further and quicker.

In terms of employment, of course that would be nice, I've one or two things that I would really like to do, but it's waiting fo them to appear. If I can get the post that I know is coming I'll be happy. If not perhaps I'll start to do more presentations and to different colleges, however I'd like to get a couple of accounts on how it helped the students to help with my marketing. That may not be a regular income and won't be able to pay my way, but it would be a bit of extra money in the pocket I guess.

So onto my personal life, well the later months of 2010 were better in terms of socialing, and I hope that I can continue that through 2011. I'm making new friends, I've made up with old friends and so things are better than they were this time last year. I'm going out more to see people, which at least means I'm not trapped in this place on my own forever and a day, I'm actually engaging myself. I need to do more of that, only last night I was wanting to play Trivial Pursuit or Monopoly, or even Scrabble to engage my brain and challenge it to do some thinking. That's given me an idea to propose to some people....

Here's to 2011, let it be full of positives, let it be full of the number 19, number 12 and number 4, and if that's the case then it would also include number 2..... Now I doubt any of those who pass by will understand that, as it may be codes, but hey I'll wait and see.

Looking Back

2010-12-28T11:55:00.003Z

I guess the end of the year always leads to people reflecting on the past year and looking forward to the following year, with aspirations and hopes of wonderous things happening to themselves. I'm not ashamed to do this, I think it's good to reflect on the past, looking forward isn't healthy as it leads to abject failure which then needs to be dealt with and after all the failings that have befallen myself I don't want many more in my life.

However 2010, what will it mean to me in 5, 10, 20 years from now? I think I'll look back on it as a horrible year, one which dropped me further than ever before, took me to places that I hadn't seen for years and further down to an abyss that nearly swallowed me. I don't know what stopped me from going that next step, that next step had I taken it that fateful day in June would have been death, suicide. I was close to it, I haven't really said much about it, but to be stood peering over a motorway for way over an hour, trying to find a positive in my life and just increasingly finding a negative wasn't healthy.

Whilst the police stepped in, and did little more than remove me from the bridge, and ask a few quesitons, it was the stark reality of what would happen if I didn't drag myself away from it all that brought me to my senses that day. Perhaps I didn't really want to take the step, otherwise why would I have spent over an hour thinking about it, maybe it was nothing more than an extreme cry for help. However, what help did I get? A sympathetic police officer and then a chat with a nurse, and later my gp before getting some anti depressants. The rest has had to come from within myself.

Since that day this year hasn't exactly been a bed of roses, far from it. It's been a struggle to get through it, physically and mentally, it's been like trying to plough a field with a spoon. Yet, amongst it all, my decision to join the trans swimming group or at least give it a go was probably the biggest single event of the year. Found by accident ploughing through lots of LBGT stuff, possibly looking for stuff either for union related matters or for my personal trans presentation. I can't recall the reason that I was looking through what ever page I was, when I found mention of a trans swimming group. That I decided to go was a bit of a shock, but then it was around the time that I was walking daily in prep for a sponsored walk that I did, and wanted to do something apart from walking.

Exactly why does that rate as being the biggest single event? I think it was me accepting that no matter how hard I didn't want to accept that I was acutely lonely, I was and that perhaps I may find a common ground with the other members. Even if that was only once a month, it would be some interaction with people, who wouldn't judge me. The fact that I have returned to one group and joined another group as such has taken me into a position where by I can go out and meet people two or three times a month, as opposed to perhaps two or three times a year. It does make a difference. It's that difference and a totally new set of people to interact with, that perhaps have provided me with the most positive memories of the 2010.

The whole family situation is still bleak, yes I've got a chink in the issue, but that's it a chink. I doubt it's going to get any bigger any time soon, but it's a start. I do hope that 2011 may be the year that I can see something more than a chink in all of this, but I can't. If anything I can see 2011 bringing more heartache, genuine heartache and possibly a conclusion to part of it. It's something that those who are aware of the current situation may read what I've just written and perhaps will understand what I mean by this. I guess that I've been proved wrong before when it comes to drawing this type of conclusion with this person, and I hope I'm wrong again, but I don't know this time.

Looking forward to next year, one or two things are in the fire, which I hope to prove a positive, however I'm so geared to failure that I'm not going to build myself up for them. I dare not, and will not. Yes, if they come good I'll be shouting about it and telling the world, either here or else where, but first things first the last days of this year and the start of next has to take place and with 24 hours in each day to endure one can not start to plan further than 24 hours in advance.

Xmas time

2010-12-27T10:39:00.003Z

It's been almost six months since I posted last and whilst the last post was poor in terms of grammer it did convey the hurt I was feeling back then. In the time between the posts not much has changed, though I've been on a much more even keel than I was expecting. I've worked through issues, I've forced myself back into going to groups in Manchester, as a way of making friends, who'll accept me for being me, rather than accepting me because they have to. I must say that it has helped and I've actually enjoyed going back. It seems odd for me to say that, considering how much I've said no and stopped myself from returning. It took a lot for me to do so, but out of the misery that has been 2010, that has been a positive.

The situaiton with my family is still bad, I've been in contact with my mum, only because she has been quite seriously ill, and whilst I have explained to her the reasons why I've kept myself away, and as I said in the last post she's denied the ignorance. Well I'm going to have it out with her once more, it's not funny anymore and it has to stop, others in the family are trying, at least my mother and sister can try. Though I guess if I did what I wanted to do, it would drive a knife even further between us. Still if no change is forthcoming by February I may well resort to it and see how it's taken.

So on with today I guess, having not been out since midday on Friday, I think I should go out and interact with the world. Apart from a couple of phone calls, which are OK I guess, but isn't true interaction, I need to step outside and face the world. I'm not afraid of that, though at times it's frustrating and energy zapping, however this is a forced choice otherwise I'd be in a pickle. I need to go to the shops for some essentials, and so the first contact with others is needed.